Advice to a Domme

I received a request for advice from a fellow Domme. Although I am not sure I am qualified to be dishing out advice to others, having received a request I am happy to give my view and hope it helps. An excerpt from the request is below, followed by my answer.

……..The problem is I feel now he is just not truly submissive to me until about 5 minutes before we play. He has become bratty, dismissive and not very obedient. You seem like you have your submissive exactly how you want him. I was hoping you could offer up some ideas on what i need to do with my submissive to change his mindset and make him understand that I am the supreme being in this relationship. Ideas on punishment, what actions that I can take to make him feel submissive in our home.
 He is not a huge fan of bondage, however I like it and i am very good at it (used to teach rope bondage classes in Los Angeles) So he spends the majority of the time tied up, usually gagged with a leather paneled penis gag and a vibrating remote controlled dildo in his ass. Controlling his hole’s are very important to me. Spanking with my crop is usually his punishment and time out corner time in a standing kneeling hogtie with leather hood and penis gag is the other. But thats all that I can think off.
I realize that taking a break was my decision, however I just can’t live without his submission and feeling worshiped by my husband. I am just not creative enough and stern enough in my punishments and my overall treatment of him but I want to be and hope that you may provide some insight into achieving my goal……


I had a similar situation many, many years ago. I followed the advice in a book – Owning and Training a Male Slave written by Ingrid Bellemare. It is really a case of conditioning the male.

Two things are needed. Consistency and real punishment.

CONSISTENCY means if you have a rule you must enforce it 24/7/365. If you enforce it one day and not the next (because one of you is not ‘in the mood’) the slave does not know where he is and will not feel submissive 24/7. To put it another way, he will not feel you are dominant enough to ‘deserve’ his submissiveness. Whether the rule is opening the car door for you, kissing your footwear whenever you are about to leave the house, curtseying whenever entering a room you are in – whatever the rules – any infraction must mean punishment.

Moving onto REAL PUNISHMENT.  Punishment must mean punishment. That is something that the slave does not like to the extent that he is truly frightened to commit the infraction again. For practical reasons, the punishment type adopted needs to be something that can be delivered fairly quickly. While he may hate being put into TSD bondage for 8 hours, say, that requires waiting for the opportunity to do that. The wait between punishment and infraction will sometimes be too long. I consider that the punishment must be within 12 hours of the infraction whenever possible. I chose to give a caning. And not just half a dozen strokes which may cause begging and pleading, but might nonetheless be quickly forgotten and be relatively easily coped with. I probably applied a minimum of 25 hard strokes during each of the canings. A punishment bitch-boy was truly, truly afraid to receive. Not a playful punishment. Not a punishment type which was a turn-on for him. It was a punishment he wanted to avoid at all costs.

So, in the beginning of this regime, there is the most awkward atmosphere and you must use your resolve to get through it. In the beginning he will need to be punished when he is not feeling submissive towards you. When I was dishing out 25 strokes, then, possibly during the first 12 strokes say, the atmosphere was awkward and his submissive buttons where not being pressed. But I had told him that an infraction would result in the punishment and I was seeing it through. By the last five or six strokes, his submissiveness would appear, in the face of this obvious, pitiless, determined dominance. Probably within around a week of this regime, and after perhaps four such punishments, his full submissiveness to me and worship of me had returned to satisfactory levels. (It does then have to be maintained with consistency and punishment.)

It may be that you have to deliver two or three punishments that he is truly, truly  frightened of, before you get to this position. Obviously the punishment does not have to be caning as long as it is a punishment he truly, truly fears and wishes to avoid at all costs. Some masochistic slaves might adore a prolonged caning so then something completely different may be needed such as, repeatedly extending their sexual denial period or only giving/allowing spoiled orgasms for a period. Hopefully you get the idea.

There are some caveats.

My toy and slave, bitch-boy, has a deeply submissive soul. He has been this way in the face of any truly dominant, cruel woman since he was around ten years old. If a slave does not have such a soul, the regime may not work, ever.

A particularly stubborn slave may also need deterrent punishments to speed up the process. These are punishments awarded when there has been no infraction, but you advise the slave that he is in need of a reminder of what would happen were he to commit an infraction. As my bitch-boy works from home, I used to, and still do, sometimes dish out a deterrent punishment before I set off for work in the morning.

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8 Responses to Advice to a Domme

  1. Mike says:

    Here is a link to a downloadable PDF copy of Owning and Training a Male Slave.

  2. fluffy says:

    your words really resonate Ms Scarlet, which i guess comes from your experience and insight into how best to deal with Bitch Boy.
    I don’t get to live 24/7 service to my Domme and partner, but I am submissive to her and we both know our place/role in our relationship and wouldn’t want it any other way both in the home and when we visit scene venues/events like the glorious Club Pedestal. Being submissive and devoted to a dominant, mischievous woman in a relationship is something I have longed for and I have been into femdom for most of my late teens/ adult years, though not able to explore the depths of my submissiveness until the past 3 years.
    But despite all this, after a vanilla date night or period of mostly vanilla time due to circumstances, even I take a period of adjustment to get back into what I have heard described as subby space and take not being permitted to kiss anything but her feet/shoes, take a beating or electric zapping on those most sensitive places my Mistress always seems to seek out.
    During vanilla time or a period away from any femdom time, I don’t think I get unsubby, less obedient and certainly not bratty (though I would confess prolonged denial and thus cumless days, weeks does make me irritable and huffy, which only devoted full on service helps with) though it is not my perception of how I am at this time that counts, so please accept this is only my view and I am being open and honest here. I would confess to getting a bit more cheeky (but never rude or disrespectful) in situations where i know the cheekiness can not be dealt with, but again I feel this is done playfully, fully knowing that “a just you wait till I get you home” look, squeeze of the hand or whisper in my ear is part of our femdom/relationship dance.
    So I fully get and agree why you would highlight consistency and consequences as a way to deal with the issues your fellow Domme raises. I am not sure if Bitch Boy is a product of the British Boarding school system, as I am, or indeed if this has any bearing on why I evolved into a submissive male slave; but as a male perspective, us guys are fairly simple in our approach to life and welcome consistency and consequences, it keeps things simple, provides clarity, so we are not guessing at the meaning of anything and in the case of an ex-boarding school guy familiarity of knowing exactly where we stand on matters. Well actually these days, where I kneel.or belly🙂.

    respect from

    fluffy, a devoted and very happy male sub

  3. monique sissy says:

    Hello Mrs really liked to read this, shame I can not help my Domme Sra, because in my case I who want her to Master 24/7 without leaving gaps, hope one day I can help Mrs, or rather help my Owner. kisses

  4. jester says:

    I would also like to Thank Mistress Scarlet for her wonderful advice and guidance.

  5. Barry says:

    Here is the link to Owning and Training a Male Slave written by Ingrid Bellemare

  6. westfalen says:

    Even from my good (or trying to be good anyways:)) male sub perspective, this is a not uncommon challenge for both F and m, alike as the relationship goes on with its natural human highs and lows over time…….key as MS notes is that for this to work and for the overall relationship to truly be and become M/s with all that implies, is that the sub bloke must/should develop a genuine and deep submissive nature which La Domme can then run with…… It’s impossible for Her to impose that on him despite whatever Her Domme-ly skill set might be, for long if he does not have that necessary base slave nature.

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