Becoming a Domme

I had a comment/question which I took a while deciding how to answer. I thought the question and my answer may be worthy of a post.

The question.
Speaking of the submissive mind it’s amazing what a feeling I get from her just telling me she wants me wearing her panties for the day. That constant reminder through the day is the closest thing I get to having a real bitch status in our relationship. But then this is shot down by her not doing anything dominating while I am in this state. A text message, a comment….anything to reinforce that she has that power over me would then complete what I think putting me in panties was meant to do in the first place. I’m trying hard not to “top from the bottom” as they say, but it’s so frustrating to start off a morning with a command like that from her and not get any more mention of it again through the whole day. You would think she’s just not that into it, but she does have such a dominating type of personality. She just seems content enough to use my submissive side for constant back and foot massages. She never really orders the massages, more like asks me to do it. The simple “can you” at the beginning of her words makes such a big difference. Maybe it’s from being exhausted from work & then taking care of the kids after that she just doesn’t have the energy to want to “play”. I can’t figure out why she’s so reluctant. She knew of my submissive side before we got married and has bought “toys” herself for us, including a whip and collar. But she has never really used them on me. Writing all this down it makes me think she is doing all this just to make me happy. What do you think? Is there any way to get her to the next step? Thank you for taking the time to respond to my first comment/question. Again, from reading your blog, the way your mind works is the “perfect storm” for a submissive mind that can’t resist giving in to anything you desire. Your ability to put it on paper is the icing on the cake.

My answer
I have thought for days about how to answer you questions. I have decided that all I can do is relate to you elements of the progression of bitch-boy and I.

Bitch-boy has always loved me completely and unconditionally even before our DS ‘got serious’. There was a point when I was very similar to your wife. One day he sat me down and said to me that I was missing out on just how much adoration and devotion he was capable of. That he already knew that I felt utterly loved by him and that that would never change, but that as a submissive at his core, he was capable of outrageous and absurd levels of adoration and devotion and that I would really love that if I had it. (He was careful to make it clear this was not an ultimatum and that I would lose nothing of the wonderful relationship I had, if I stayed the same, but that an even better life for me was possible. I did already love my life.) He said I could try it and see if I liked it. That would mean a step change in my behaviour. From your examples – the text messages, the comments, the instructing instead of requesting. He made it clear, if I tried it and it did not work for me, then I would lose nothing and he would not resent me in any way. So I tried it. I loved this new level of adoration and devotion. Flowers and gifts for no reason. Offering to help me in all ways. Spotting ways I had not considered where he could make my life easier or better. I also found that I did enjoy issuing a curt instruction, rather than a request and seeing it eagerly obeyed.

There were times I slipped back to the old me and he would gently remind me that the outrageous and absurd levels of adoration and devotion could only be maintained by me having my new persona. That this was not a threat or blackmail – but how he was made. If he was dominated ruthlessly, he could not help himself but proffer the outrageous and absurd levels of adoration and devotion. Without the ruthless levels of domination, these would fade from him but he was keen to point out he would still love me every bit as much. I soon found myself in the habit of texts and comments and instructing, not asking, and enjoying the feeling of such dominance and the benefits of the outrageous and absurd levels of adoration and devotion. The next stage became punishments for disobedience. I learned that the punishment had to be so bad that he genuinely with all his heart would try to avoid the punishment. And I learned that it was OK to be a sadist during this phase. It can be very difficult for some women to accept that it is 100% OK for them to take true pleasure in inflicting physical or mental pain.

Two things your wife might really like. AUTOMATIC REPLENISHING and TIDYING UP AFTER. Automatic replenishing means nothing your wife wants ever runs out. So if chilled wine in the fridge is running low, a new bottle is put in the fridge to chill – ready for when needed. If her phone battery is running low, it gets recharged. Fuel in the car is low, it gets a refill. Basically nothing she ever needs runs out. Once you have experienced this as a wife, it is hard to go without it. It can also be a great way to invoke punishment. So many things need replenishing each day/week – if the slave forgets one ever – serious punishment time! And it is the slave’s job to predict what and when – not the wife’s.

Tidying up after is also addictive. I use the bathroom and leave it in a mess, it had better be tidied to perfection before I use it again. I change out of my work clothes and throw them on the bed – they better be hung up and tided away PDQ. I do some baking which I enjoy – and leave the kitchen in a terrible mess – it gets tided up PDQ. I read the weekend papers and supplements and throw those I have finished with on the floor or wherever – they get tidied up. I do my exercises and drop sweaty clothes and socks and trainers on the floor wherever I take them off, they get put in the laundry. I open a package received in the post and drop the packaging to the floor – it gets picked up and dealt with. So anything I leave out gets put away, any mess I make gets cleaned up. In your situation, this might help your wife feel less tired too.

Of course, bitch-boy would now like to turn the clock back! Be careful what you wish for, should be the mantra by which bitch-boy lives. Perhaps it is!

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20 Responses to Becoming a Domme

  1. John says:

    Thank you so much for the detailed response to my question. Hearing some perspective of your journey to the stage you & bb are in now and that you mentioned there was a time when you acted very similar to my wife is very enlightening. In my research of how to have a female led relationship I always found a common instruction. Patience. It’s a simple instruction, but it’s so hard for a submissive to practice it. We want the full Domme / slave treatment right from the start. By your experience, reaching a level most submissives dream of, it’s nice to know that it’s true that it does in deed take time. It gives me, and I’m sure others, hope. Those two suggestions (automatic replenishing and tidying up after) are brilliant and might turn out to be very useful with the situation we are in (too busy to “play”). I try to do some of those on my own, but according to the way you put it, she needs to start realizing I am doing it and then expecting it. Which leads me to the part of the puzzle that you mentioned that is going to be most challenging. Punishments. At one point in your relationship you broke this barrier where you felt comfortable dishing out a punishment if you were displeased. It’s one thing to serve your wife, hand and foot, but another to get to the understanding that if she would get upset in anyway with my performance then I could expect serious consequences. Do you remember how you broke this “barrier” with bb? Did he ask for it to begin with when he confessed his desire to be your slave or did you start disciplining him on your own? Thanks again for your insight and keeping up with this blog as you do. It’s nice to communicate with you as a real person and not having to talk to you in a “slave” tone.

    • I would suggest you might even tell her you are starting a new default of tidying up after her and of replenishing all things to meet her needs – because you want her to feel like a queen. So she can feel comfortable just leaving bathroom, bedroom, kitchen in a mess or dropping stuff to the floor where she stands or sits, knowing you will pick it up after her. And explain that she should tell you if you ever fail with either of these two things. You have to judge the timings, and possibly once she has got used to this new level of decadent lifestyle and expects nothing less, you might suggest she punishes you when you fail on either default. (She should have already got used to pointing out when you have failed by that point.

      I learned that punishment, of an intensity which the sub truly tries to avoid, is an essential to keeping the sub’s soul and mind in the right place – so they sleep well. Somehow she needs to become aware of that IN GOOD TIME! PATIENCE! I had a step change for punishment and sadism when I realised that bitch-boy was not made of porcelain, that I would not break him or damage him, even if I made him cry. That he would recover from harsh punishment within an hour or two. That marks on his body would be gone in two or three days.

      • John says:

        I will be discussing that suggestion you made with my wife. It sounds like something she would like, especially because of how busy she is. She gets so aggravated with clutter around, which includes her own things, that she most likely will love having me accountable for picking up after her. You are right about the endless possibilities of the “automatic replenishing” thing and you should put a patent on that because I’ve never heard a website use that term before…brilliant! The idea of these things spark that submissive fire in me too because it’s something exhibiting her power over me not in her presence. This is what I’m searching for. More of a lifestyle change, not acting out a scene and being done with it. Thank you. I will keep the blog updated on how it’s going so maybe it will help another reader. Also, I will heed the warning you made another time……BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

  2. donald says:

    I have a question for you. Have you ever tied up b.b. to a point he cann’t do anything to stop you from teasing the living hell out of him. Like he may be wearing mitten gloves,legs spread wide and edging him over and over again. Getting blue balls and pleading with you to stop. And what kind of high do you get out of all this. Do you just laugh at him and continue with no end in sight? And tell him if he cums he will be punished. I can only wonder what that mush be like not to be able do stop it, and just go crazy knowing your doing this just for your fun and not mine. One more thing do you plan in the future to have play toy play a part in tease and denail.

  3. S'sbitch says:

    Dear Mistress Scarlet

    Another wonderful entry! Thank You for Your wonderful blog. Quite my favorite thing on the internet!

    i do admire Your elegant turn of phrase which always seems to strike a chord deep within my submissive soul. Your phrase ‘outrageous and absurd levels of adoration and devotion’ particularly resonates and makes me smile as it is exactly the way i feel about my beloved Mistress! She is entirely selfish, cruel, pitiless and strict with me and yet the more She is so, the deeper my unconditional and quite ridiculous feelings of love, gratitude and adoration for Her become!

    Anyway i am sure that is quite enough about me. i just wanted to give sincere thanks and express my admiration. Looking forward to Your next update..

    Thank You!!

  4. donald says:

    I would like to ask your opinion on forced feeding if I may. First off I was married for 6 years to a very dominating wife. She enjoy humiliating me in every way possible. One thing she liked doing to me was strapping me down to a special chair “made by me”, like a baby chair. Made for feeding me. I would be put in diapers and plastic panties, strapped down good, could not do anything to stop her from any food she choose to feed me. If I rejected any food she made for me I would be locked down in that chair all day and she would add more foul ingredients to it. Most of the food she prepared would be in a blender. Items like bananas, fruit, beans, etc. Always with her piss. She would mix items that do not go together. Believe me when I say terrible tasting. I would have to watch as she prepared my diner. Oatmeal was another flavor of hers, ofcourse with her piss.
    Do you do anything like this to b.b? If so can you tell me some of your tactics on forced feeding?

    • bitch-boy hates sweet corn. I have force fed him that often. Obviously he gets force fed my piss and my friends piss on an, at least, weekly basis. Liquid or Ice Chunk. He also is force fed semen/water mix Ice Chunks. Cigarette ash added to his food is a common thing for him, sometimes including the butts. Eating food from the floor and the soles of my shoes, or my friends shoes is a pretty regular occurrence. So he gets food mixed with piss, spit and my toenail clippings on a regular basis. Whenever possible I make sure he watches it being prepared. So his misery can begin before the first mouthful even passes his lips. And he is always bound, as a minimum, wrists behind back.

  5. Gerard says:

    I would love to be tortured on my bottom by you two. Have been spanked and caned before, but never had stripes left on my bottom, which I would love – and sell to an antique shop!


  6. says:

    Dear Ms Scarlet,…..with a deep curtsy

    If I may interject, please? Eight years ago I had the great pleasure of sharing a wonderful old city home with a lovely, very impressive and understanding, Professional Dominatrix whose “dungeon” was in the basement. Although our arrangement was base on economics and a new friendship I took great joy in keeping her home clean, and cooking for her as often as I could. One lovely pleasure I enjoyed regularly was bringing her hot tea,to her taste, as she work in her upstairs office. I would stay in the background when clients came but also, got to learn a little bit about what and why people seek a professional Mistress. By you, Ms. Scarlet, graciously answering the question for this post I was reminded of one couple who came to visit every few months. The husband had desires for greater discipline but his, obviously lovely, wife had difficulty delivering such tactics for reasons I don’t know. Their solution was to hire my friend. The three of them would descend into the basement and the wife would witness his severe discipline. I always suspected that he was well behaved as his wonderful wife drove him home. Perhaps other couples reading may find this helpful.
    Thank You Ms. Scarlet, With deep respect and a deep curtsy, pantymaid

  7. tiffanymaid says:

    Mistress Scarlet *curtsy*
    This post is most interesting & insightful. i trust others will take note (Domme or sub))

  8. deafenedbyquiet says:

    I’ve been meaning for some time to commend you on being – in my humble opinion – the most authentic voice in ‘real life’ femdom today. Having recognised the sub-gene in myself in childhood, I’ve spent more than half my life (I’m 33) trying to find things which resonate with me. To call the results of this quest “disappointing” would be an understatement; your work, along with the occasional video from barefootprincess (now obeymelanie) are more-or-less all I have discovered. Your work is marked out by a particularly deft touch with the paradoxes of what I’d call the ‘submissive urge’.

    Enough with the the fan mail, I’m sure you get plenty.

    What caught my eye in this post was the parting shot:

    “Of course, bitch-boy would now like to turn the clock back!”

    That being the case, what do you think he would like to turn the clock back to?

    • Top of the list, he would like to fuck my beautiful body. That’s never going to happen. He is a born again virgin and will remain so all his life.

      Other things, off the top of my head. He would certainly like less of the deep humiliation suffers, especially in front of others. Shorter denial periods. Less dickie-disciple.

  9. Callie says:

    Hello Ms Scarlet, call me impatient or irrational but it”s been a number of days since your last post and the the tumblr hasn’t been updated for a few days, I hope everything is alright! Yours faithfully, a daily visitor

  10. westfal says:

    This post answered one of my brewing questions about your relationship MsScarlet, regarding its genesis and how and who primarily got it started and going. Compliments to bb for being so self-aware of his own real core psyche, that he was able to explain it to you in a way that enabled you to try this dynamic out and progress it so deeply for your both benefits.

  11. hikerdave48 says:

    Ms Scarlet,
    I love hearing about your relationship with your sub.

  12. Pingback: Day to day regime | Real Life Female Domination

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