Domination Manual – decisions

Given the comments I have received, I have decided to write a manual. I received one suggestion which was on a topic I continue to struggle with. Should there be two manuals – one for beginners and one for the experienced. Otherwise, if a single manual is for both beginners and those with experience, will ‘extreme’ sections of it scare the beginners away from domination, and sections for beginners bore the experienced?

Well although two manuals sounds like a great idea in theory, I have tried it and I have found it does not work in practice. For two reasons:

Firstly, activities from the mild to the ‘extreme’ run on a spectrum At what point on this spectrum can one draw a line and say everything to the left is for beginners and everything on the right is for the experienced. Clearly there is no obvious or practical demarcation line on this spectrum.

Secondly, I have met a few ‘beginners’ with very bold personalities and a voracious hunger for life experiences. A bit like extreme sports addicts but there focus comes to BDSM. These type of people can count as beginners but quickly need to move to more ‘extreme’ activities.

So, I am working on how to structure or sign post my single manual so that ‘extreme’ sections of it will not scare the beginners away from domination, and sections for beginners can be skipped  by the experienced, so as not to bore them.

On a related topic, I would be grateful for additions to my list of fetish items/objects. Wool, leather, high heeled shoes or boots, flat heeled shoes or boots, a pony tail,  hair tied back, tight clothing, long finger nails, bare feet, shaved genitalia, heavy make-up or lipstick, anklets, body chains, corsets, balloons, fur, satin.


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29 Responses to Domination Manual – decisions

  1. fluffy says:

    great news – as for your list, please accept the following humble suggestions:

    pet play
    slave bells
    blow up girlfriend (sheep or or lady)
    outdoors fun
    food play
    CBT – nettles & interdental brushes etc
    cleaning chores
    outdoors femdom
    speaking in the third person or communicating as an animal
    denial, chastity, teasing etc

    respect from

    • These are not actually fetishes, I don’t think, although they will all be covered. I understand a fetish to be a sexual arousal from an inanimate object. For example, since my post, I have in addition thought of mini-skirts, pleated skirts, riding boots, ankle chains.

  2. mark says:

    I would say two books as I beginner, I could go through this one and see how I get on with it and then after time get the other one, I would add to the list
    pvc and plastic clothes

    • Thanks for the fetishes.
      Did you not read my blog post?
      Although two manuals sounds like a great idea in theory, I have tried it and I have found it does not work in practice. For two reasons:

      Firstly, activities from the mild to the ‘extreme’ run on a spectrum At what point on this spectrum can one draw a line and say everything to the left is for beginners and everything on the right is for the experienced. Clearly there is no obvious or practical demarcation line on this spectrum.

      Secondly, I have met a few ‘beginners’ with very bold personalities and a voracious hunger for life experiences. A bit like extreme sports addicts but there focus comes to BDSM. These type of people can count as beginners but quickly need to move to more ‘extreme’ activities.

  3. rudysroost says:

    I’ve always been aroused by permanent markers. Just seeing a woman holding a marker gets me started and if she decides to degrade me by marking me up with the marker I get very close to orgasming.

  4. Al says:

    With respect to the Beginner / Expert divide, I would suggest that the main distinction is over the fundamentals necessary to play in a safe and enjoyable manner.

    As analogy, think of something like kayaking. Some beginners might just want to paddle around on a calm lake somewhere; some beginners might want to go whitewater kayaking. But regardless of intention, everyone needs to know the fundamentals of using the craft safely – how to roll the kayak if it capsizes, how to get out in pinch, what to do if you get in trouble, safety information, how to avoid injury, etc. It’s boring stuff, especially for seasoned kayakers, but a necessary prerequisite to going out on the water.

    Similarly, when it comes to BDSM, there are a few concepts that should be reiterated to newcomers – how to negotiate a scene, the importance of establishing limits, how to establish consent and provide for safewords (very important between strangers!), and general medical or safety information (how to do bondage safely, etc.). Veterans who have been doing this for years ‘should’ be familiar with this sort of thing, but beginners absolutely need to be introduced to this before anybody picks up the first riding crop.

    So, the difference between beginner and advanced guides isn’t so much an issue of ‘intensity’, as it is going over this sort of boring, introductory stuff. Beginners need to be told things like “Check if a sub has a medical condition well before starting a scene” or “Be really f**king careful if you tie a rope around someone’s neck”.


    Also, to add to the fetish / Clothing List:

    Fetish Activities (Non-exhaustive, in no particular order):

    Ponygirl / Ponyboy, Clothed Female Naked Male (CFNM), Cuckolding, Forced Bi, Small Penis Humiliation (SPH), Body Worship, Training (slave / protocol / pet / domestic / sissy / etc.), urophilia / watersports, Smoking, Exhibitionism, Corporal punishment, Baldness / Hair shaving, Muscle worship, forniphilia (submissive as an object or furniture),

    Fetish Objects:

    Ponyplay – See bridles, harnesses, ‘tail’ butt-plugs etc, chastity devices, whips, floggers, canes, paddles, Gags (tape / ball / ring / bit/ etc.), spreader bars, sleepsacks, armbinders, cuffs, hoods, speculums, penis sounds, enema kits / bags, cock rings, strapons,

    Clothing Types:

    Latex, ‘heavy rubber’, Gas Masks, Gloves, Catsuits, Leotards, Swimsuits (Both one-piece & Bikini), Spandex, Jeans, Eye Glasses (See: Meganekko), Collars, Long (knee-high) Socks, Yoga pants, Garter Belts and Straps, Cosplay


    Uniform fetishes: Military ( Army / Navy / WWII German / etc.), Police, Medical ( Doctor / Nurse / EMT), Nun / Religious authority, teacher, school uniform (Incl. Japanese, Catholic), Cheerleaders, Coyboy/Coygirl. Airline Steward(ess), Office attire / executives, French Maids,

    • Thank you for the very helpful advice which I will incorporate. However, I beg to differ on the issue of why two manuals are needed. The difference isn’t just about safety and negotiating. I want my manual to provide lots of new techniques and ideas for the experienced, (which it will), but very importantly to me, I also want to create dominants from people who do not know they can be dominant, and who have an innate submissive as a life partner. These people need to see the practical real life approaches and how escalation can be spread over years – so it need not involve the ‘scary’ stuff if they don’t like the look of that. I also want to provide advice to the innate submissive who wishes to coax dominance into their vanilla life partner. There appears to be a huge demand in these areas and almost no published advice to deal with it.
      I am working hard on a structure that will work with one volume, (allowing the experienced to simply skip what they do not need), but I do not rule out two volumes just yet. It is a case of seeing what can be done. Theorising on which is best did not move me forward. Thanks again though – you have been very useful.

  5. Lower says:

    The key to the dilemma of the Two Manuals question is perhaps found in the core principles that lie behind both light, or beginner dominance, and hardcore, or advanced dominance. If you can successfully draw out light-shedding answers to simple questions like: What is dominance? and Why dominance? (and I’ve seen you write beautifully on this), then each and every manifestation of the How? of dominance becomes more interesting. Beginners might see deeper into the What? and Why? of dominance if they read more advanced methods or lifestyle choices, and advanced believers might even enjoy seeing elementary methods of dominance in the new light of those abstract principles or final reasons. It might be “light” to never let your husband get up from the table before you, for instance, but if in fact it comes from the deepest reasons behind the lifestyle choice, this in fact could be advanced. At it’s most ideal, dominance should show itself as meaningful at each level of investment. If techniques are again and again matched up to the deeper motivations of dominance, shown how they accomplish the Why?, they will be all the more interesting regardless of level.

    • I have found your comment very helpful.

      • Lower says:

        forgive me for extending, but your core reading of the needs of submission, boiling things down to the fact that some kinds of men just sleep better at night having been forced by a dominant woman to do things that do not want to do, and that they do not rest easy in their soul unless this happens, is one of the most insightful and succinct summations of dominance I’ve come across. I have to admit that I have not read all of your writings, only a substantial portion, but I don’t believe I’ve come across the same kind of succinct reading of the Why? of dominance from the woman’s perspective. On the male submissive side it appears as a kind of inborn, or very early quality or need almost in the soul, something the dominant woman addresses and in a way relates to, but when you write about the Why? of the female perspective, there rather seems a spectrum of motivations: from having your cake and eating it to, to experiencing a much wider freedom of choice and fulfillment, to getting in touch with true power, which can be an aphrodisiac. Perhaps there is no matching, essential motivation in a dominant woman like that of a true submissive male, but in reading your manual I would be hoping to catch a glimpse of what that might be. You write that you finally accepted your sadistic nature at some point. Do you feel that such a nature found in many women (hidden by cultural pressures)? Is there such a thing as a true sadist, in that there is a true submissive, different than many in the population? If so, what does being a true sadist as a woman entail? What are her deepest needs or satisfactions? What makes her sleep well at night? Would your manual be to help women to discover their inner true sadist? Or is this not necessary to have a happy D/s relationship? Are the simple benefits of greater freedom motivation enough?

        I do think that women in dominance would be served if they grasped your principle of the needs of a truly submissive man. They can then relate to a clear, core quality. In the same way submissive men might be better within their submission if they too could identify core motivations or needs of a dominant woman…the essential thing that makes all seem right with the world.

        I don’t mean for you to answer these questions here, only to suggest that these are the kinds of questions that arise for me when I think about your possible manual. Basic needs expressed through techniques.

        • Thank you for an excellent, intelligent comment focussing on the core issues. I am currently now working on a single manual and I think I have cracked the problems. Many thanks.

  6. longpaz says:

    First a confession: I have been lurking around your blog like a moth lurks around a flame – his continued existence ensured not by his instincts or his actions or his will, but by the darkened window pane that lies between him and his thirst for that light.

    How long I have been lurking I can’t say for sure. At first I was appalled. Horrified really. That a man could be broken so completely. That a woman could be so utterly comfortable “destroying” a man for her pleasure. I read deeply. Transfixed.

    I left your blog with a dark new awareness of the world. I had seen too much. I was myself, in a way, broken. I would not return. For weeks.

    But I could not stay away. I longed to hear more. Of your pleasure. Of his pain. I longed for a glimpse of your ankle, your calf, your thigh. Oh – the little twist of pleasure on your lips as you recognized the perfect awe in my eyes as you would break me for your amusement.

    So, as a man not yet reduced to the condition and status of your man, I am – in part if not wholly – grateful for the window pane of a continent, an ocean, a worldwide web and a lifetime that separates my fate from yours, for without it, I’ve no doubt I would unavoidably immolate myself in your flame.

    But I have an offering for your collection of fetishes: the black turtle neck. The look of authority this item gives a woman makes my knees go weak. Make it ribbed or cashmere (or sleeveless) to intensify the effect but really there is no need. Show me a shapely woman with a black turtle neck and I just want to get on my knees for her. And a bonus: it bends my mind just as thoroughly in public as it does in private.

    One more: I am from the western United States, so this is a little colloquial, but a cowboy hat on a good-looking woman? Wow! Tight jeans (try short cut-offs) and boots? Stick a fork in me, I’m done! (Can’t wait for rodeo season)!

    OK. One more fetish, because I just discovered this: Crochet.
    Turns out Crochet has a completely unexpected power over me that I had no idea about till I recently stumbled across this

    on Pinterest. My theory (I know: you didn’t ask) is this: When I was a little boy my grandmother crocheted. And she was one who had no with issue punishing a child when he was bad, and of course in her estimation I was a very bad boy. So I deeply associate crocheted things with female (is there another kind?) authority. Now I discover that this archaic art form is being used to adorn and enhance the (already forbidden to me in my mind) beauty of women, and I find myself suddenly and unexpectedly riveted and aroused.

    And I should have begun with this: I have to confess that I enthusiastically agree with and support your appreciation of sweaters as an extremely sexy and powerful look for a woman.
    Thank you for your blog (and of course your excellent Tumblr site).
    With Respect,

  7. ems sub says:

    Ms. Scarlet, BTW, I truly do love both your relationship with BB, and your blog. I quote you often in my own blog, and you are an inspiration to both myself and my Mistress.


    slavetoem (

  8. Pam says:

    2 volumes wouldn’t be bad. If you go with a step by step instructional for the training, degradation, removal of the man that was,rebuilding into the slave of your making, and finally the new person or slave that you have been wanting. It may take more work but a work like this needs to be written and made available to us women that need that type of help.
    Some other fetishes might include piercing, tattooing,branding and other markings that make a slave a personalized object. Thanks, Pam

  9. B says:

    Re: the number of books. A suggestion. Instead of thinking of the book(s) as for beginners and the more experienced, think of them as for the curious and the adventurous.

    • That simply rewords the problem because the spectrum from curious at one end to adventurous at the other does not have a place between them where a line can be drawn.

  10. Chris says:

    I’d certainly be interested in reading this – but mostly because I like reading everything by you. The only fetish i have I would list – and it’s one you see very little mention of – is bangles, chunky and the more the better.

  11. Sissy Debbie says:

    One you’ve touched on in the past, and bitch boy seemed to be alluding to in some tumblr post, nappies. My Mistress being very found of the misery it brings me, yet she has a hard time explaining it to others she brings in.


    Sissy Debbie

  12. Sweep says:

    I can’t walk around a hardware shop without thoughts turning to the inappropriate. In particular, cable ties and super glue (although I’ve never experienced either – lots of potential for difficulties!). Also ankle warmers and buns (the hair type, although I understand the bread top works for some…).

    I like to one manual decision. That’s what Haynes would do.

  13. Thinking about fetishes -it doesn’t really matter what they are- they are limitless. I remember reading about prosthetic limbs and vacuum cleaners as fetish objects back in the ’80s. The key thing is to recognise the psychological process at play here and to know how to make full use of these objects to the dominant’s advantage.

    This list might be of use for your research:-

    I look forward to reading the manual when it’s published.
    Best wishes
    Mistress Alecto

    • Thank you for the link to Wikipedia. My inclusion of a sample list of fetishes including the most surprising, is just so that fledging dominants can understand A) the scope out there and B) to ready them for what their submissive might admit to.

  14. Sissy Candy says:

    May I suggest a book plan which might help deal with some of the issues raised?
    I would suggest that, as your goal is to encourage nascent dominants to realise their potential, that you write the book in which each chapter is a themed lesson-plan or ‘DIY workshop’. Each reader could gain experiential knowledge, rather than just ‘reading about’ the DS lifestyle.
    The lessons could have undermined duration, so a particular reader can have a quick taste and then move on, or dwell on a particular lesson for weeks if she chooses. A reader could skip chapters, or revisit them to suit her needs and (evolving) desires.
    To deal with the beginner/advanced issue, each chapter could offer a range of activities, ranging in intensity. For example, a bondage chapter could help women explore levels of immobilisations from light scarf ties or fluffy handcuffs, right through to TSD/sleepsacks, riveted steel and so on.
    It might be a nice touch to have a section of each chapter with instructions to submissive partners, and something from the submissive POV – perhaps from BB. (If this was boxed text, it could be ‘From the submissives’ box’!)
    A common trend which you might wish to take advantage of is to have an online readers’ forum to facilitate learning, support and mentoring.
    Possible chapter themes could include:
    Goals – defining, achieving, evolving; Health & safety; Consent & limits: dominance vs abuse; Dominant & submissive mindsets; Household dominance; Financial domination ; Co-dominance, community & mentoring; Bondage; Discipline – rules & ratcheting, rewards & punishment; Chastity & sex; Fetishes – how they work, enjoying & exploiting them; Humiliation; Torture; Futility, boredom, and helplessness
    I hope that is helpful.
    (I have not listed any fetishes, as my Mistress – Ms Alecto – is writing to you separately about this.)

    • Very helpful, thank you. Perhaps you could give me some examples of futility.

      • Sissy Candy says:

        Examples of futility from your practice might include the rotary dryer duty, building a tower out of blocks only to have it repeatedly kicked down, begging to be excused some torture in the absolute knowledge that such begging is pointless, or struggling against obviously inescapable bondage. I am sure there are lots of other examples.
        The underlying patterns appears to be to create ‘learned helplessness’ in the mind of the submissive by creating a ‘fixed game’ so that no matter how much he tries he cannot overcome the will of the dominant. Indeed his efforts only serve to demonstrate and reinforce his powerlessness.
        And, of course, the dominant (I imagine) also learns about her own power, and revels in creating such ‘no win’ situations.

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