Problems getting them to be more dominant?

I have embarked on writing a manual. It is going well. At the moment the manual title is:

Gratifying Domination and Submissive Contentment: A manual.

The manual will be for dominants and for submissives. It will be for female or male dominants regardless of the gender of their submissive(s). I have already, during the requests to me that I write such a manual, received comments on the topics of advice and guidance that should be covered and I have also helped a number of Dommes in the past who have set out their problems. However my blog gives me an opportunity to seek further comments. So, if there is a particular sticking point or problem that you would like me to cover, (large or small), please leave a comment on this post with the details. If you do not want the comment published, just include that fact and it will not be published.

A brief synopsis of the manual is as follows.

It will not just guidance but also a myriad of ideas, techniques, protocols and inspirations. It will be for beginners and for the experienced. In particular: A section for submissives who want to persuade their partner to become a dominant; A section for partners of submissives who want to learn to adore dominating their submissive partner; and; A section for dominants who want to maximise their satisfaction and advance and perfect their domination.

Then a huge section on ideas, protocols, techniques, etc.


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17 Responses to Problems getting them to be more dominant?

  1. Lower says:

    That is really a wonderful title, the best I’ve ever seen anywhere near the topic. It’s evocative of ideas, ideals and really ultimately that of lifestyle, choices of satisfaction.

    I’m most interested in the supposed paradox of domination as retold in the joke: The masochist says to the sadist: “Please abuse me!” and the sadist says “No.” I think there is a very tricky line between power and pleasure that you seem to have figured out but that many get snagged on. Dominant women, or at least women who find aspects of domination appealing, can get caught in a kind of performance feeling. They one way or another end feeling like they are actresses in the submissive’s fantasy space. I think this is terrible in two ways. Firstly, and most importantly, this is almost the antithesis of power and control, feeling that you have to measure to something someone has dreamed up, or even that you yourself have dreamed up, can be debilitating. It disempowers in so many ways, and ties into larger social themes wherein women feel like they are acting for the benefit of men. It’s also terrible in that the submissive is robed of the genuinely transformative qualities of the exercise of real power against them. Both lose. I suspect that a lot of D/s relationships run aground on this reef, at one time or another, whether it be because of topping from bottom, or a female dominant feeling obligated to their submissive through their own caretaking qualities or moral code. What I would be interested in is your exploration of that line, what you’ve learned through your experiences and through those you’ve talked to. How do both partners steer away from that pitfall? I sense that this is somewhat related to the also common question of How Much? A submissive might really fantasize about a 24/7 relationship, or sessions that are really hardcore. Just the existence of these fantasies seems to put pressure on the dominant who cares, and could rob real power. If you could give a map, or even give suggestions on how a dominant could draw their own map, of what a mix of “normal” or “vanilla” time and “dominant” time would look like, for them, I think that would truly help. I think a lot of dominantly inclined women struggle with the fact that they just don’t feel like dominating most of the time. Dominating could be mood they are in, it comes and goes, and this probably won’t match up with the dreamworld of the submissive, which could really be expansive. How is this serious clash of realities sewn together so that the dominant feels, well, the most gratified (as in your title)? How are these non-dominant stretches best dealt with in the relationship? Is it through communication? If so, is this communication D/s communication, or more as equals? I know this is long-worded, but I think these two spaces, the vanilla and the D/s space, as they overlap, can produce lots of miscommunication and hidden pressures, and a manual that could help both people learn how to transition between them, not only practically but psychologically, would be of great value. I do understand that you do take your vanilla space with your submissive whenever you like, but how does one get to that point where a couple understands these differences, while they are exploring the lifestyle for the first time? Should time be blocked out? Or is it a responsibility of the dominant to constantly set the tone and choose (sounds like more work)?

    On the other hand, as you’ve written about, there is a lot of work or responsibility that falls onto the dominant. As dominant, they are leading – and the submissive is always looking for cues of where to go (at least one hopes they are). But suggestions to submissives on how to relate to their own fantasy space, a space that is probably much invested in from a young age, such that the fantasy space does not become a burden to the dominant would be of help. There are the usual suggestions: this isn’t about you, this is about being of service, or it’s about raising the dominant up. But are these suggestions enough to push the submissive far enough out of what can really be a pure selfishness of their fantasy? What are the techniques that a submissive can practice to transform what is often a solitary, indulgent in fantasy, to a fantasy that serves the dominant, and does not work against her?

    I would also be interested in the positive role of religiosity in D/s relationships. From reading you it seems that this is not something that you or your submissive are invested in (unless I missed something), but it is something that many in the femdom community are drawn to, whether it be the vague notion of the Goddess, to varying rite-like practices of submission and worship. One could argue that in the history of humanity culturally Religion is the ultimate D/s relationship, and through the thousands of years it has produced countless methods and protocols to train the submissive mind to a point of meaningful contentment. Would not these protocols be helpful in the promotion of the modern D/s relationship? If so, how would these techniques be best applied or drawn on?

    Lastly, what is the possible beneficial role of concepts of Female Superiority, as a political or sociological belief? In societies that have been largely shaped by omnipresent Male Superiority assumptions/indoctrinations, most being extremely subtle though many are very stark, how does a dominant woman hold her identity without some sort of counter-force of beliefs? And in the case of men, can beliefs in essential Female Superiority aid in a submissive finding more meaningful commitments to their submission?

    I’m sure I have 100 more questions, most of which you probably would end up answering in your manual which sounds fantastic, but these are a few big ones that come to mind.

    • Thank you for your supportive and evocative comment. If you do have 100 other questions I am keen to hear them.
      My manual fully covers your main issue which you have put several ways and I will use shorthand – topping from the bottom linked to the Domme not realising the sub, to be content, must endure things he/she does not like (and she does like, and that it is OK for her to be that cruel. Being that cruel is an indication of her love, not being that cruel because of her love for the sub is misplaced love. There is a series of compromises. The sub can’t have his/her fantasies which the Domme does not enjoy and the sub has to endure some of the Domme’s pleasures, the sub might not like. (But then the sub does ‘like’ them because of the dynamic created!) I can’t sum it up in just a few words here but I cover it in the manual.

      I do also deal with where on that spectrum of 24/7/365 to one day a month does a couple find ideal and how to make the spaces between full on sessions still somewhat affecting for both parties without unrealistically disrupting real life.

      I will not be looking at religion in any way. Most religions have subjugated women, some appallingly, and still do. I am afraid I have a very dim view of children being indoctrinated as part of their upbringing to believe in things without proof. Children should be taught to be sceptical where there is no proof. To analyse deeply and think for themselves. To rise above tribal sates of mind. If this was a primary aim of education, Trump would get very few votes. Religion appears to rely on tribal states of mind and indoctrinating children.

      I will not be looking at societal or political implications. My manual is about intimate relationships that work for all parties involved and I do not speculate at a more grandiose level.

      • Lower says:

        Yes. Forgive me for being unclear. I did not mean that contemporary religious belief systems should be incorporated, but only that if the techniques of submission used by religion, in so many of its various manifestations, could be appropriated. For instance the tedium tasks that you put your submissive through could also be used to train a mind, as an end, for instance monks tediously wrote out copies of the bible. Confessional behavior, modes of worship of the dominant, or rites (like the curtsy to shoes) might appeal to some in a D/s relationship, or make effective protocols No worries though, just something that crosses my mind. But coming to think of it, I’m not really like this but in terms of beliefs some women, or even men, may have difficulties adopting a D/s lifestyle if they also come from a conservative religious background. One way of addressing this may be to simply say: You are better off without your religious beliefs. But perhaps there are meaningful integrations too. I thought I came across a born-again Christian woman’s blog who was in a FLR, I may be mistaken.

        As to my 100 questions I’ll try to come up with a list and send it your way if it is helpful.

        • I can see borrowing from religious indoctrination techniques and rituals could have a role. In terms of integrating with current religious beliefs I just get too annoyed to engage because of the hypocrisy of people who say they belong to a religion and then twist the religion’s rules and doctrines to suit the lifestyle they want to lead, when they should reject their religion for its illogicality and intolerance if it prevents them leading the life the want to lead. Your list of more questions would be helpful – yes please.

          • Lower says:

            I could probably get to 100, but this is my first 10:

            1. I don’t know if Governess Lexi is technically a switch, I’ve not read enough about her, but how do you read her urge towards and gratification through dominance compared to yours? Does she come from the same place as you do? Or does this dominance pleasure come out of her experiences of submission to you? Can you draw conclusions about switch impulses in women in general? And do switch impulse women need different guidance than do “true” female sadists?
            2. Could you conceive of a progression of dominance wherein your submissive becomes simply worthless to you? Does your submissive though all the experiences you have shared increase in value? Or, as you progress, and you become more and more elevated, does he simply become eventually replaceable or discardable from a point of logic? Should prospective D/s relationship couples have these extremes in mind?
            3. How important is the public (or semi-public among friends) domination of a submissive in cementing the relationship?
            4. Does the inclusion of a second submissive under your control somehow more fully realize the essential D/s relationship you have with your submissive.
            5. Is the drive towards the Little Girl humiliation that makes up much of your protocols towards your submissive more oriented around his hatred of it, or your own particular fetish? In choosing themes for humiliation or control, which is most important, and to what portion?
            6. Do you feel that FLR D/s relationships are healthy enough that families, children, should be raised in them? What are the dangers or pitfalls?
            7. From your familiarity with the scene do you feel that dominant women in D/s relationships tend to come from strong, matriarchial backgrounds (examples from mothers and grandmothers), or are there other tendencies in backgrounds that you have noticed?
            8. As a dominant female with bisexual orientation there seems to be a difference in the kind of sadisms you exact on a woman or a man. Would you say that bisexual dominant women get different sorts of pleasures from each sex in any generalizable way?
            9. What would you say is the greatest burden placed on the dominant?
            10. Have you ever gone “too far” with your submissive, and what is the best way to recover from that if you have?

            • Great questions.

              1. Lexi gets no sexual pleasure from dominating bitch-boy, but loads of cruel pleasure. She really enjoys it, especially on her own if I am not there. As it happens she gets no sexual pleasure from domming other women either. I think she is a true submissive in that she only is SEXUALLY affected when being dominated. Her pleasure when dominating is non-sexual, but still significant. I know there are switches who get sexual pleasure dominating and are sexually affected when being dominated too. I would never draw conclusions about switch impulses in women

                in general

              That would be speculation. It is a minefield generalising. So I would not give advice on whether switch impulse women need different guidance than do “true” female sadists? My manual just takes people through experimenting with roles and how to experiment including shedding societies fettering boundaries.

              2. I do deal with the progression of dominance but I think there is a simple determinant on whether your submissive becomes “simply worthless to you”. This is whether or not you enjoy their vanilla company so want it from time to time, or can completely disregard it. If you can completely disregard it, then I think that becomes an exhilerating scenario and the dominance becomes extreme and 24/7/365. I do not think they would then be disregarded because that would be a time to really enjoy and experiment.

              3. Certainly having other people present increases the subjugation of your submissive in any secanrio. At home, at a munch or club. I deal with this and also avoiding really public scenes which might result in violence against you or arrest.

              4. The way Lexi enhances my domination of bitch-boy is because despite her being submissive to me she has full power over him, so he is dropped down to the lowest of the low in a very overt way! In addition. when she and I are in bed, she is allowed to do things to me, in front of him, that he is never allowed to do.

              5. The Little Girl humiliation is oriented totally around his hatred of it. I thought od what he would find more humiliating than ANYTHING ELSE. So it is the cruellest humiliation I can use, especially combined with tedium.

              6. I don’t think children should be exposed to DS relationships. However I would not hesitate to explain to my nieces when they are about 18, that submissive men exist and they should try one before settling on a man for marriage. One who is great during vanilla time too.

              7. To be honest I have not asked any of the Dommes I have been with about their matriachal experiences. So I don’t have enough data to surmise.

              8. I get the same sorts of pleasure whether being cruel to a woman or a man.

              9. I deal with the burdens a lot in the manual. Most burdens that some suffer can actually be managed away and come from the woman not actually realising that it is not a game and she must take REAL control, then most of the burdens fall away. There are some responsibilities that come with the pleasure of being in charge.

              10. I have never gone too far that I am aware of. How would you define too far? I am interested in what you answer.

              • Lower says:

                regarding: 10. I have never gone too far that I am aware of. How would you define too far? I am interested in what you answer.

                That’s a very interesting and unexpected comment. There are lots of ways to talk about “too far”. Let me go through a few of them. I imagine that when women are exploring their own dominance in the early stages there would be a sense of “what if I go too far”?Something might occur to them to do, dominantly, but I presume there would also be another thought: “that may be too far”. It could be too far for the dominant (Would I be the kind of person who would do that?) or for the submissive (Would I damage this person in a lasting way?). I would imagine that growing one’s sense of dominance is finding one’s way between “I want to do this” and “too far”. In this sense I assume that you do things now with your submissive you did not do in your first 6 months with him, there is a degree of intensity or investment that you have both grown into. “Too far” might very well have been to do those things then, prematurely. Then, there are other senses of “too far”. There are irreversible things like the removing of body parts, or irreversible social things, in terms of the public.

                I’m curious though. You’ve never had a sense of any idea, any imagined protocol, that it may be going too far? Does not your imagination stretch far beyond what is appropriate, either by situation, in terms of development or convention, an imagination which you draw back from into a kind of compromise? Or, is it that you have found that whenever you seek to find that balance between what is appropriate and what you imagine, you have never erred on the side of being too extreme?

                • I guess because (believe it or not) I am a naturally cautious person, I have never held back at any time because I have taken baby steps over the last 15+ years. Except, one massive step change was when I became clear that bitch-boy is not made of porcelain, I could not physically permanently damage him with cane or paddle or Deep Heat or nettles, etc. That realisation really changed things for me/us. In terms of damaging him mentally, I have never thought that possible and never held back at all on his subjugation to me, or his humiliation in front of others, him physically trembling with the ordeal, etc. On this issue, I have to say he is mentally, the most tough person I have ever come across. In the vanilla world he is unstoppable and can deal with a huge crisis or trauma with ease. His mental fortitude is off-the-scale. So I guess I have always considered him mentally unbreakable. Perhaps that is/was a risk but I have been proved right fortunately. Perhaps, also, that is why it is so thrilling to seriously humiliate him, because he is falling so far from his vanilla persona when I do.

                  I have taken as a given my hard limits, which I should have spelt out to you initially. These being, off the top of my head, No chance of transmission of a serious illness. No resulting permanent physical disability. Nothing that could get him arrested. Nothing that could damage his business. Nothing that could expose the BDSM to his family. No children or animals.

  2. slave1 says:

    Some problems we face:
    1) She loves penetrative sex and often gives in to letting me cum if it is at a good point for her, even if I tell her I must stop to avoid it
    2) She loves me too much to treat me unfairly in most cases. Example, she wants me to have all the nicest and best things, from clothes to gadgets to foods
    3) She tends to forget to utilize me on a very regular basis — and will start cleaning or doing laundry or making her own breakfast

    In general I think she views domination as something that requires a lot of attention and consistency that she doesn’t have. When we really try to get into it, she tends to set a long period of no orgasm for me (15-20 days) and then we live largely vanilla for the entire time (just without me having an orgasm). There is very little of actual domination, teasing, chores, etc.

  3. Pam says:

    The letter from slave 1 seems to be what a lot of us have problems with. It seems that once we start we get sidetracked with life and have a tendency to let things go. It seems like you need a system to get things done or a certain way to get the training done so that it is actually gets easier as time goes on. As Ingrid bellemare put it once you get them trained its like a dishwasher just set it and let it do it’s job. Sounds easy but it’s not. I hope your book is instructive and not just another book on suggestions on how to get the job done.. Can’t wait for the book so keep us informed. Pam

    • My manual is a lot about living in the real world 90% of us have to do, while still making it work. Ingrid’s book wasn’t really for the lives most of us have to lead.

      What would you say the difference is between ‘instructive’ and ‘making suggestions’? I am interested in how you see that difference.

  4. Sweep says:

    Point 2 from your reply of the 8th June, “…I do not think they would then be disregarded because that would be a time to really enjoy and experiment.”

    I would LOVE to know what you were thinking as you typed that, Ms Scarlet!
    Very much looking forward to reading your amazing-sounding manual.

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