A perfect novel for introducing ‘it all’ to a vanilla partner

One chapter of my manual, (to be published next month), deals with the best way to introduce that you are submissive to a vanilla significant other – with the aim of seducing them into become a long term satisfied dominant. The right things to do and the ABSOLUTELY wrong things to do. A small part of that overall strategy is about useful DVDs to watch together, and useful novels for them to read, which might prompt introductory discussion on the topic. When it comes to novels, I have to say I can suggest none at this point that are really appropriate. To quote from my draft manual:

‘ ……Do not give your partner a BDSM book or DVD or show them a BDSM website featuring extreme and bizarre lifestyles and behaviours. This is lazy, insensitive and crass. (What you might consider mild and harmless, they might consider perverted and horrifying.) It is not being brave and throwing your secrets on their mercy. It is lazy, insensitive and crass…………………………………………………. There are also books to avoid. Venus in Furs by Sacher Masoch is probably unhelpful because it has no artistic merit ………………… Owning and Training a Male Slave by Ingrid Bellemare has something to offer but is not suitable as an introduction for a wholly vanilla person; it is too extreme. …………………….. Equally, The Story of O, both book and film versions, are probably too extreme and somewhat misleading on the psychology issue. (The Story of O is about female submissives dominated mostly by males and a little by females. )

So my question, dear followers is; do you know of any books that would make a good introduction to the dominant and submissive lifestyle THAT WOULD NOT HORRIFY A COMPLETELY VANILLA PERSON!

I am considering writing a novel, perhaps one volume of two or three short stories, written with the sole aim and purpose of being a non-scary book a wholly vanilla person could read which would then prompt useful conversation on the topic. An ice-breaker? Is this too manipulative? I think not if the result is a contented submissive and gratified new dominant, and the closest relationship its possible to have.

I am thinking of three short stories so it is in keeping with  the gender-free applicability of the manual. One short story on a sub male with a female partner, one on a sub female with a male partner and one on a sub female with a female partner. (I am not sure I am up to writing realistic fiction on a sub male with a male partner, although a male pair will still find my manual useful I believe.)

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23 Responses to A perfect novel for introducing ‘it all’ to a vanilla partner

  1. Sue says:

    Yes please. I have a semi sub male but I desperately want to go further. Thank you.

    • Hmmmm. My proposed novel was to be a tool to enable a submissive to introduce the concept of a submissive/dominant relationship to their vanilla partner; whom they hope to turn into a dominant partner. So that might not help you as much as my soon to be published manual should.

      I would be happy to enter into email exchanges with you if you have any specific questions now. Let me know if so, by a comment, and I will email you. Otherwise please continue commenting anyway. Comments from other women are so useful to me.

  2. darkhorsesub says:

    Will the manual itself be suitable for someone who is vaguely familiar with the concepts, but still instinctively vanilla in outlook?

  3. submissive_D says:

    I bought my wife 2 books to help give her an idea. It’s not like I just sprung it on her, she knew I was into kink and she wanted to learn more about it. 1. The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelei 2. Female Domination by Elise Sutton. Both are good for different reasons. I would say, out of the two, that The Mistress Manual is probably the best for a complete introduction. My wife actually enjoyed both. She said she preferred Female Domination, but lately she’s been reading tips from the Mistress Manual as well. Hope this helps!

    • Hmmm, both are pretty good, but these are not books I would suggest giving to a woman who had no idea at all about her man being a submissive or knowing about BDSM, if you know what I mean.

  4. Dear Mistress Scarlet,

    I would like to respectfully ask for your advice. We have spoken once before, but I have a different question/s this time.

    I am a very submissive male. I have met pro – dommes and tried to meet some lifestyle dommes too, and one day, to be with the latter is my ultimate aim. However, I frequently change my mind on this, I am effectively somewhat indecisive on the topic. I adore the idea of being a maid, and have acted somewhat on those desires; and I know that submitting to a dominant woman is literally the only way I can be in a functional relationship. That said however, I am still indecisive, and frequently tell myself that I ‘am not into BDSM’, that I am ‘normal’.

    I think this is because I have been put off ‘the lifestyle’ and I think this is about 25% my own fault, and 75% that of other peoples. I have met several high end pro-dommes and done some quite heavy things with them, at my request. I really wanted to push my limits, and not just dip my toes, thus there was a lot of pain (even for someone whom the dommes all said could take a lot). Consequentially, I feel in hindsight that I went too far, and should have explored some softer things too, or instead. This along with a few other things has contributed to that 25%; I have damaged my perceptions of BDSM by being too extreme.

    Regarding the other, more significant 75% however – that’s down to the lifestyle dominants I have tried to meet. On collarspace and a few other places, every woman I have met has demanded lots of money from me right from the outset, before even giving me much beyond basic communication. Foolishly (or perhaps just because I respected their position that offering a tribute is justifiable to show that I am serious and not a time waster), I obliged, several times. The ultimate goal was always to meet each of these woman, which was discussed by both parties from the outset. However, each time after these initial occurrences, I was then asked for more money; purely for its own sake; or for ‘punishment’, which arose for a variety of reasons. Meanwhile, these people want the world from me, I haven’t ever heard their voices, and I question if they are real. Yet, when I state this to them, they manipulate the situation and say that eventually, if I just keep trusting them, and paying them – we will meet soon (I live in London and recently one of the women I was due to meet also lives here, apparently).

    They have also been relentlessly cruel, never doing ANYTHING nice, whilst, summarily; unjustifiably wanting my absolute and wholly unquestioning loyalty, my money and the right to do almost anything to me. I understand in a BDSM context that is somewhat normal, but that’s when trust is established for real, after a period of time, when people actually know each other – and that’s where the difference lies with these people. Thus, each time this has happened, it always reaches a point where I end the communication, for their abuses of that rationale. I have taken chances, which I do not regret, but none of them have paid off and now I’ve had enough of the abuse of my trust. Resultantly, as this has happened with nearly everyone I have met – I’m now left with a negative impression of this whole lifestyle, which is disheartening and a source of frequent inner conflict. So my questions are:

    As a very true and active lifestyle dominant; are you ever nice/rewarding to bitchboy, or at least, has he been suitably developed to be able to comfortably (relative to a BDSM context) withstand your behaviour towards him if you are not behaviour if you are not? And by extension, am I right to think that the people I exampled were at least initially too harsh?

    If I look in the right places, such as club pedestal, how common is it to find REAL dominant women like you, that, given I have the right credentials (decent salary; housekeeping skills; etc etc) would be interested in a relationship akin to yours?

    Thank you very much.

    • I have to start by asking why on earth you think the women you met on collarspace and a few other places, who demanded lots of money from you right from the outset and never agreed to meet you, were anything to do with the lifestyle. They were con-women (or con-men) out to dupe gullible submissives. It is actually offensive to suggest they are part of the lifestyle I and many others lead.

      There are genuine dominant women out there who want a submissive male as a long term partner or spouse. I know two myself who each have looked for such a male at one time or another. They would not charge money at the outset, or ever. They will talk on the phone if early IM chats show potential compatability.

      You say you have the right credentials, but obviously the right credentials go beyond decent salary; housekeeping skills; etc etc. There has to be a connection.

      I am afraid I have no idea how many there are like me. But we do exist. If you go to fetish fayres and munches you will observe many profoundly happy DS couples.

  5. Ade says:

    Dear Mistress Scarlett,

    During my surfing, i stumbled across this article : http://sodangerouslycurious.tumblr.com/post/24970790733/an-introduction-to-female-led-relationships
    I am not sure, if that is soft enough, but it might be some kind of a 2nd or 3rd step. The safest way to introduce any kind of BDSM seems to be simply by subtle additions, testing the waters if the partner is interrested in such acts. Since BDSM is such a wide term, stealing chores from the partner might be a good part for the DS part, coming up with new exciting things in bed would be good place to go with the SM part.

    Have a wonderful day,
    Your Humble fan,

    • I will have a read of your link material.
      I think a really key thing is for the spouse of a submissive to be told that a submissive is born that way and can never stop being a submissive. See my comment response to Robbi.

  6. robbi says:

    Great post. I love your blog, and i have purchased all of your books. But, here is the real question. Is it possible to “turn” an otherwise vanilla person kinky?


    • I believe all real submissives are born submissive. They all seem to report having had submissive fantasies before reaching adolescence. I believe submissives are like gay men. Born that way. The only route to complete contentment for a real submissive is to have a life in which, for a good amount of the time, they are dominated and treated cruelly. It is the only way they can be. Spouses of submissives have to be taught that their spouse is submissive and always will be and nothing can be dome to change that.

      However, I believe anyone can enjoy being dominant and cruel. I think this is part of evolution. We are mammals evolved to live in packs like lions or chimpanzees. In these packs both the males and the females must attempt to dominate all other of their gender on order to find their level in the hierarchy. Once their level is established they will from time to time lash out as those below (cruelly and unfairly) just to reaffirm their dominance. So we have evolved so that performing acts of dominance and unfairness releases a reward pleasure chemical in the brain.

      I am an example of a vanilla person turned kinky! What more evidence could be needed than me? So I do not think a vanilla person can be turned submissive, (The ridiculous 50 Shades of Grey!), but I do think a vanilla person can be turned dominant and cruel. I write extensively on suggested processes to make this happen in my, soon to be published, manual.

      ps. I know a group of lions is a pride and a group of chimpanzees is a troop!

      • robbi says:


        Thank you for your very well written reply. I cannot speak for anyone else, but, with that said, I have to say what you wrote regarding submissives is eerily similar to me. I knew before puberty where my own desires lay, and that I was very submissive.


  7. Irv says:

    Put Him in Panties and Brassiered:a Complete Guide to Brassier Discipline are both available for free @ brassiered.com . Obviously they are both reliant on forced feminization as a central theme but I find them to be very insightful looks into the submissive males mind. I had my wife read them both in an effort to introduce her to the FLR lifestyle and she has been very receptive so far. While they may be too tame for you and Bitch-Boy, I think they are a good way to introduce the vanilla to the lifestyle.

  8. Lower says:

    “There are also books to avoid. Venus in Furs by Sacher Masoch is probably unhelpful because it has no artistic merit…”

    wow, i have to say i’m a little surprised, everyone of course has their opinions, but some consider this an masterpiece, including inspiring the authoring of one of the anchoring philosophical books on Masochism:

    Masochism: Coldness and Cruelty & Venus in Furs

    and Roman Polaski make a pretty incredible modern adaptation of it “Venus in Fur”:

    I’m not sure Venus in Furs makes a good introductory book, but it is kind of incredible in what it is.

    • I think you have very much forgotten that I am looking from the perspective of a vanilla person who has never been exposed to BDSM. I think such a person would find the plot of Venus in Furs utterly repetitive and somewhat unbelievable. I also think the main reason people think of it as a classic is because it is the very first book ever which dealt with Femdom and FLRs. Respect to Sacher for that!

      I CAN’T BELEIVE you think Polanski’s Venus in Fur is good. I found it AWFUL. Just nonsensical. Putting that aside anyway. Again I think you have very much forgotten that I am looking from the perspective of a vanilla person who has never been exposed to BDSM. What would they think of the film!?!?!?!?!

      • Lower says:

        Yes, was only surprised by the phrase “no artistic merit”. Lots of things that have artistic merit are not enjoyable or easy to read, watch or decipher. de Sade 120 Days of Sodom is like this, brutally repetitive – but consider, the repetition is like your coloring book assignments.

        I tried though to make clear that I agree that it would not make a good introductory book, I should have emphasized my agreement.

        The movie I found to be amazing, and my dominant wife did as well. But we are both big fans of Polanski, who is always topping from the bottom in his films so to speak. The movie was more or less about topping from the bottom, male fantasy, and tried to use subtle humor to get its point across. But I can completely see how its border with satire could produce all the wrong effects. The way I see it Polanski is kind of making fun of male submissive fantasies, and how men sometimes don’t really want what they think they want, i.e., true power transfer. I took it as a kind of self confession from him.

        But no, I would not suggest it, or the book as an introduction to the scene.

        • I am afraid I do not agree with your stated ‘fact’ that ‘lots of things that have artistic merit are not enjoyable or easy to read.’ I hope you don’t think I am being offensive and I truly mean not to be when I say that I consider that particular contention to only ever be contended by those few academics and would-be intelligentsia who strive to become elitist by appreciating unartistic untalented crap.

          I, like the other 95% of the population, consider books, films and art that are not enjoyable or comprehendible to be absent of talent or merit. The argument put forward in defence of such crap by academics and would-be intelligentsia that; if you don’t get it, its because you are not intelligent enough to get it – just does not wash I am afraid. As you can tell, you have touched a nerve! LOL! For thousands of years art equated to talent and comprehensibility, then in the last 80 or so years, alleged art intellectuals appeared and largely ruined the art world. I find it sad.
          I am left with the issue that there appears to be a complete vacuum when it comes to good films and books which would be helpful introductary works for wholly vanilla people.

  9. David says:

    I’m a born submissive who “came out of the closet,” so to speak, when my vanilla marriage failed. After my divorce I vowed that in any future relationship, I would be honest and open about my submissive nature early on. I dated two women who clearly were not happy with my honesty, and those relationships went nowhere. Then I met a woman who found my declaration of submissiveness funny, and she didn’t let it bother her. So I laughed and went along, and we kept dating. She was vanilla as ice cream and utterly ignorant of the BDSM or Femdom “scene” but we had discussions about submissiveness and feminine power, among other things. Over time, two things happened. First, we gradually fell in love with one another; and second, she gradually came to enjoy being treated like a Goddess and Queen, something I began on day one and kept on doing. To make a long story short, she began to love being pampered and served, and I am now a 24/7 live-in domestic slave living under strict discipline — and I couldn’t be happier. I did not give her a book about female dominance until about 18 months into the relationship for the simple reason that I couldn’t find anything that didn’t, at some point, start using BDSM terminology and extreme male fantasy that I was certain would be difficult for her to accept. But the one book that did help was Dvanna Hightower’s “The Hesitant Mistress: A Guide to Claiming Your Feminine Power.” I highly recommend that submissive guys give this book to their Mistresses, but with one proviso — no book, not even this one, is something to hand to a woman and then expect her to suddenly change into your dream Mistress. There is no substitute for love. And there is no substitute for devoted, selfless service — for treating your partner as the superior being that she is, day after day after day. Once that is established, Miss Hightower’s book can really help. When my Mistress read that book, she did indeed embrace her feminine power — along with a riding crop and a superior attitude that I adore. For the first time in her life, she feels empowered. I absolutely adore her. And Iook forward to your new book!

  10. Sweep says:

    Dear Ms Scarlet,
    It doesn’t exactly fill your brief, but just wondering if you’ve come across the “Sunstone” graphic novels by Stjepan Sejic? I’ve just finished volume 1 one and ordered the other 4 as soon as I put it down. If nothing else, it’s a great read (based on volume 1 and the other volume reviews, anyway), and shows very nicely that we’re all normal people really. Normal-ish, anyway.
    Hope you like,

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