Submissives sustain BDSM

It has dawned on me that in civilised countries with equal rights and the rule of law, the BDSM community and the numerous lifestyle relationships there are, must be sustained by submissives rather than dominants. I know both types are required, but if there is a dominant going around tying up and torturing and using and abusing a non-submissive, that would result in an arrest and a prison sentence. But a submissive voluntarily serving and worshipping a vanilla person and pushing and pleading to be dominated by that person is no crime at all.

So the dominants can only do their thing when they hook up with a submissive. It is the existence/supply of submissives that allow the BDSM community to exist. It is submissives that convert many initially vanilla people to become dominant. You will know if you are a regular reader of my blog that I am convinced, (despite the ludicrous 50 Shades Of Grey), that a non-submissive person CANNOT be converted to become submissive by a dominant.

So we all have submissives to thank for the community and lifestyle. Slightly ironic that our pleasure is down to them. However before all the submissives get all puffed up with pride, I am not going to give them any credit! They need and crave dominants. This extract from a recent email from Play-toy to me, sums them up I think.

…………..I am obsessed with you. Since seeing you the other weekend I have just been feeling desperate to see you again. In theory I shouldn’t feel like that as I hated everything you put me through!  ………………………….

My published journals.

 

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14 Responses to Submissives sustain BDSM

  1. Steve says:

    What you say may be true in the USA but here in the U.K. It is assault both to inflict “pain/punishment” and to co operate or consent in receiving it. This has been tested in court in a case where Members of a Club (consenting adults) were prosecuted and found guilty of committing a crime and colluding in its execution

    • I think you miss my point.
      (The Spanner case was part of a long discussion on here a while back.)
      It seems clear to me the Spanner case was only taken forward because the individuals in the prosecuting services at the time were homophobic or pressured by homophobic politicians. Since then I know of not one single case where a prosecution has taken place when the person on the receiving end of the ‘domination’ did not wish there to be a prosecution. In other words, as far as I can see, in the UK, if the person being dominated does not want to give evidence, there is no case to answer. So in, non-fee paying, BDSM relationships the submissive sustains it by not going to the law and not wanting to go to the law. (I am not talking about cases involving professional Dominatrix here.)

  2. houseworkboy says:

    Dear Ms Scarlet

    I think its so difficult to determine when consenting to be punished and going that little further is decided that its abuse. Clearly there is no exact point that can be defined as it will vary so much between subs. As you have written yourself several times you like to push BBs boundaries further, and at the end I’m sure he loves you all the more for it.

    One of the blogs I read is Lady Contessa Pat. At times this is uncomfortable to read but always compelling where consent is often pushed beyond the limits.

    http://ladycontessapat.blogspot.co.uk/

    • The blog is interesting.
      I think you miss the point of my post though. I am making the point that if dominants do their thing with vanilla people they will get arrested. But submissive people want dominants to do their thing. So submissives maintain the existence of the BDSM community and are essential. BU they cannot be content without dominants.
      (And a second point, submissives are born as submissive. You cannot turn a vanilla person into a submissive. But you can turn a vanilla person into a dominant.)

  3. Ottoman27 says:

    This is interesting. Maybe it’s because of my submissive position, but I hear lots of stories of submissives bringing out the inner domme or top in their partner, but very rarely hear of the opposite. I’m sure there are plenty of cases, but I wonder if my own personal media bubble that prevents me from reading about them.

    • You are wrong.
      As I wrote in my post, (and I detail in my soon to be published manual), there are NOT plenty of cases of a dominant changing a vanilla person into a submissive. I don’t think there are any. Submissive people are born submissive and they know they are submissive; most often before puberty. You cannot change a non-submissive person into a submissive one. Some dominants are however born dominant and in addition almost all vanilla people can become dominant in the right circumstances.

      • Ottoman27 says:

        That’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read more about it in your manual.

        I’d actually love to see a lot more research on the topic. I know of people who started as submissive and became dominant, so I wonder if it’s less of submissives being born that way as it is dominants being born that way.

        • I think your analysis has faltered. Someone who started submissive and became dominant EXACTLY fits my hypothesis and the evidence. That person was born submissive, but as my hypothesis states; anyone, including a submissive, can become dominant. Submissives are born, dominants are made.

          • Ottoman27 says:

            Ah yeah, I apologise. I got mixed up in my own logic. I guess my original point was yes, I’ve never heard of someone who became dominant and wanted to go back to being submissive.

      • Andrew says:

        Submissive people are born submissive and they know they are submissive; most often before puberty.

        This is so true. I am such a person, and with the exception of a few people like my wife and a couple of close friends “in the scene”, I don’t talk about that, because people can’t understand that I would have these feelings as part of my identity, or that they could emerge before puberty. There are far more roleplayers in BDSM than people looking for D/s relationships in earnest. There is nothing wrong with that of course, but one of the reasons I read your blog is because I know that you and your husband are among the few people who ‘get it’. The internet is such an amazing thing for allowing people to find each other. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on your life with us!

  4. doggie says:

    I think, with all respect, that you are right, mostly.

    I was introduced to the “non-vanilla” world by my Owner. It was her interest to pursue this lifestyle and I agreed very reluctantly, to say the least. Although sex was very exciting all of a sudden, the aspect of being owned was not only foreign but frightened me beyond anything.

    I have heard of BDSM and of course seen some videos and read some stories and such but it never related to me by being aroused. It was more a educational point of view, I had.

    To give up my perceived security and safety in work-life and in private was difficult to even consider.
    My Owner understood that my submissiveness can be achieved by administering pain during intercourse to which I reacted with great arousal and never before felt pleasure. Punishments followed suit, rules. Apparently it worked because my love has deepened, my affection to her is stratospheric.

    But, of course, you’re right that I understand today that our way is not the norm.

    In general I think that most persons are either dominant or submissive (seen from a vanilla world perspective). “Behind every successful man is a strong woman”, “If you visit you wife, do not forget the whip”, “thumbs rule”; what else could that mean? Still, dominant women usually do not use a whip, they use their emotional intelligence to get their man to do what they want.

    My mom was a person like that, she made my father successful, he trusted her advice completely.

    Personally, I think the world would be a better place if more people would e in a D/s relationship. The bindingness is at a higher level than in normal relationships, where “searching for the new” seems to be prevailing.

    Sorry for the long post!

    Wishing you two all the best!

    • You may not agree but I think you were submissive all along. Many deeply submissive people still have a huge fear of being owned and losing all power despite being and knowing they are submissive. In addition vanilla people would not react with great arousal if pain were administered during intercourse. They would react with horror and repulsion. It is so important for all of us in the BDSM world to remember that most vanilla people do not ‘get’ BDSM and are horrified by it.

      On that theme I have to caution against saying vanilla people are either dominant or submissive. It is true that often vanilla people are either assertive or powerfully manipulative or are weak or subservient but the HUGE difference between them and us is they get no sexual arousal from being assertive or powerfully manipulative or from being weak or subservient. I think the words ‘submissive’ and ‘dominant’ used in the BDSM context must never be confused with what they might mean in the vanilla world.

  5. Chris says:

    I think that given the rule of law (and the thinking behind it), the submissive person holds the ultimate ace card in any D/s relationship. However I would disagree that it is purely the supply of submissive people that allow the BDSM community to exist. I think that there is a symbiotic relationship that exists between Dominants and submissives, one cannot live a fulfilled and happy life without the other. Removal of either the Dominants or the submissives would result in the BDSM community transforming into something entirely different.

    I do wholeheartedly agree that you cannot ‘convert’ a vanilla person into a submissive, and in the same way I believe you cannot ‘convert’ a vanilla person into a Dominant. You can however awaken something inside of someone that stimulates their inner core, resulting in sexual pleasure from certain types of interaction with others. I successfully awakened something within my Wife that resulted in her taking the reigns so to speak. When we met there was no indication that she would ever be a Dominant, she was however intelligent, confident, emotionally mature, open minded and had a healthy interest in receiving sexual pleasure; I considered these traits to be the ideal building blocks and the best basis for any relationship. In the early years I did think I had ‘converted’ her, until she started to reveal her own innermost desires and fantasies, and then I realised she was a Dominant all along, but had never been exposed to the possibilities, and had never had a chance to try anything out previously.

    I do hope that society continues to be more accepting of consenting (and harmless) ‘alternative’ sexual practices. I would like to think that future generations can find a partner and enter into a BDSM relationship with far less difficulty than that of my generation.

    • I can absolutely assure you that you can convert a vanilla person into a dominant. That is a fact. That is me. In addition, a number of my Domme friends were 100% vanilla until being converted into dominants.

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