Being a Domme

I was asked the following question:

You have published detailed descriptions of the lifestyles of a number of dominant women now, who are (or were) clearly very dedicated to what they do – Pamela (Candyfloss), Geena P (Suzette), Mary from Maxstoke, Carla, and Christine M; as well as your good self and bb. Obviously they are all individuals whose practices differ, but I wondered if you have any thoughts on what (you and) they have in common. In other words, what are key characteristics, behaviours, or mindsets of highly-committed Dommes?

Here is my answer:

I would be pleased to learn from other committed Dommes where I am wrong or have left  omissions in my views on this. I would list the characteristics, behaviours, and mind-sets of highly committed Dommes as follows.

Firstly it is the strength of mind to reject three of the constraints of  some of our societies’ morals and rules. Our societies would have it that women are the weaker and submissive gender and, that it is wrong for people to be cruel and unfair to others, and certainly people should not take pleasure in being cruel and unfair to others; sadism.

Obviously there are many truly submissive males who are very weak and submissive when confronted by a dominant woman. A matter of simple fact. And these males are only truly content when they feel they are helplessly in the power of a dominant woman.

So, far from it being wrong to be cruel and unfair to these males, it is in fact a kindness. In order that these males are comfortably without doubt that they are helplessly in the power of a dominant woman, things must happen they truly do not like. This might simply be many hours of chores, it might be deep humiliations, it might be physical punishment and pain. But when these things are all over, and these males settle down to sleep that night, they sleep deeply contented sleep, safe in the knowledge, and with no doubt whatsoever, that they are helplessly in the power of a dominant woman!

The next characteristic, behaviour or mind-set is  decadence and hedonism. Dommes have to be able to be unashamedly decadent and hedonistic. They have to be comfortable and relaxed taking pleasure from the situation. LOTS OF PLEASURE! It is amazing how many people don’t commit, without guilt, to spending time on pleasure. I will make a link here with my view, I have expressed often, that sadism is a natural trait in humans inherited through evolution, as a means of clarifying relative statuses in a pack of mammals. It’s form in humans is taking pleasure in inflicting  physical and/or mental pain. It took me a number of years to accept having the word applied to me although there was NEVER any doubt I was a sadist. Now I treat it as a badge I am proud of. It takes independence and strength to reject the behavioural shackles of society to the extent of acknowledging one is a sadist.

Although there has been much coyness on the evidence for sadism being natural,  I am about to mention, recent posts and comments from Dommes have revealed that, like me, Dommes become very physically sexually aroused when being sadistic. Physical sexual arousal takes place in our genitals and orgasms are quick to arrive and huge and frequent. If sadism was not natural, how could it cause physical changes n our bodies over which we have no control????

The next characteristic, behaviour or mind-set is ruthless, pitiless, guilt free determination. The relationship will be set up how the Domme wants it to be, whatever that entails for the submissive male. This often means there are hurdles to overcome and solutions to problems to find and objections from the males to be ignored or crushed with ruthless determination and NO PITY! And in my experience, over the years, how the Domme wants the relationship to be set up will evolve to become more extreme and so there always remains the need  for objections from the males to be ignored or crushed with ruthless determination and NO PITY.

And no guilt either. The male needs cruel dominance to be contented at the deepest level. The Domme must be allowed to gift him that in whatever way she pleases. He gets his deep contentment but the Domme decides how. Her whims, her selfishness, what gives her pleasure, what makes her life easy. It is the Domme’s right to exploit the situation for her benefit, not satisy the fantasies of the male. There can be some small compromise here as another benefit of being a Domme is to have another human in awe of you and addicted to you. Powerful stuff believe me! This may mean doing things to obtain that awe and addiction that one would not have thought of without hearing of the male’s fantasies. NEVER though, doing anything one does not thoroughly enjoy!

So in summary:

  • strength of mind to reject three of the constraints of  some of our societies’ morals and rules,
  • to be unashamedly decadent and hedonistic,
  • ruthless, pitiless, guilt free determination.

I must mention one more important, related issue. I have found there are two types of DS relationship. The first type, like mine, is where the Domme still finds a great deal of pleasure in the vanilla company of their sub male. Watching a great movie, fine dining, travel, etc. I use bitch-boy, (and I tell him so), in his vanilla mode often on such occasions. The second type is where the Domme has lost all interest in the vanilla company of her sub male. The second type is always MUCH, MUCH MORE EXTREME! No let up on the male for one second.

Well these are my thoughts. I would love to hear from others on this topic.


7 thoughts on “Being a Domme

  1. Mistress Scarlet
    I think this very much covers the power dynamic, though to an extent, the choice of words may convey different aspects to each relationship.
    Firstly, I think a key point was made when you wrote, “… things must happen they truly do not like.” This is what truly establishes a genuinely dominant relationship, the submissive doesn’t get a say in what happens.
    In our case, my ‘boy’ would never choose to write hours and hours of lines when travelling, never drink alcohol, endure serious chastity, and be subject to all the restrictions of a strictly raised youth of Victorian times. But, he does sleep peacefully at night, as it provides a needed layer of deep security, which arises from being strictly controlled. Which is perhaps a rephrase of your note, “helplessly in the power of a dominant woman.”
    At work, he is a senior manager responsible for many employees. He runs a budget of millions of dollars and must make decisions. At home, he does not even know what is in our bank account, he has no access to it and basically he has only one decision to make, to do as he is told, or not; and if he chooses the latter, he is severely punished! He is told how to do things and when to do them, and is permitted no input into the process.
    Though I have never thought of myself as a sadist; I do enjoy such total power, and I live such a wonderful lifestyle, free of chores! So perhaps I am!
    Pitiless? Definitely! I simply don’t care about his suffering, feelings, pleadings, tears, frustrations, tiredness, etc. I adore it when he sheds real tears.

    1. I am so pleased my post appears to have been accurate. Wow, I ADORE your last sentence.

      I’m going to write a post on the term sadist. Why do us ladies have a problem with being labelled with that word??? I did for many years and you do now it seems. Oh Christine!!! : -)

    2. That is awesome. I hope real soon all wives and girlfriends have this type of relationship. Women are superior and I am glad you have claimed your power.

    1. All are Disney Princess items. Of what I can remember – board game compendium, umbrella, recorder, paddling pool. He has other other princess items, but not disney like his pencil case, colouring books, dolls, etc.

  2. Interesting thoughts, Mistress Scarlet. I would be curious to hear where you feel the difference lies with a Domme who still finds pleasure in the vanilla company of their sub male (in our case, I’m ‘princess’ rather than ‘bitch-boy’).

    My Goddess seems to have become increasingly decadent and hedonistic as our lifestyle grows (her growing comfort/confidence is so wonderful to see), but she is certainly lighter on the ruthless/pitiless aspect. Is that, perhaps, our relative inexperience, or do you see that being a bigger part of the second, more extreme relationship?

    1. I am confused by your comment and need clarification.
      If you Goddess has become increasingly decadent and hedonistic and her comfort/confidence is growing, how is she not also more ruthless/pitiless?

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