Community is not helping itself

Because of a number of comments on recent posts of mine I have been thinking more about how marriages involving domination and submission could become more mainstream, more attractive to potential dominant women, and more acceptable to society. (I guess by marriages I also mean long term relationships.)

It became apparent as I thought about this, that within our community, misleading words and phrases are used all the time and misleading pornography dominates as a misrepresentation of what our long term relationships are actually all about. So it is hardly surprising those not in the community are usually unable to understand what the relationships are all about and they get the wrong end of the stick.

You could argue it all began with the interpretation by idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s very famous book, Venus in Furs. The first book ever to hit the mainstream about an overtly dominant submissive relationship. The book is about a man obsessed with wanting to be the slave of a woman, to be dominated and owned by her. But the idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists of the time, invented the term masochist as a result of the book and so the concept of submissiveness was replaced with, arousal through receiving pain – masochism. Leopold’s fictional character was seen as a masochist by mainstream rather than a submissive.

Leopold’s male character was a submissive. He NEEDED to be controlled by a cruel woman. He needed things to happen to him he did not like while they were happening, as a means of him having no doubt he was helplessly in the power of a cruel woman. Being in physical pain was not his goal, being truly dominated was. BUT because of the idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists, the first ever famous submissive seeking a cruel dominant to rule him, was misrepresented and misunderstood by the mainstream as a masochist.

There are masochists; I know that. People who actually seek pain for arousal and who are often not submissive, but their number is dwarfed by the number of submissives there are. A dominant woman does not want a long term relationship with a masochist. They want a long term relationship with a submissive.

Then we come to the terrible term coined for one-night-stand type get togethers. Safe, Sane and Consensual. I have come across so many people in our community who ironically dislike challenging the norm and who therefore try to shoehorn the square pegs of Safe, Sane and Consensual, into the round hole of dominant submissive relationships. Obviously I have no problem with safe. But Sane! –  Of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill.

What one person may find insane another may find completely sane. A Sharia law Muslim male or Hasidic Jewish male would find the notion of women having equal rights to men to be mad, to be INSANE. So we have a subjective, meaningless word which should never be used to further any useful discussion or to define anything.

Then we have the worst offender. CONSENSUAL. When meeting a stranger at an orgy, yes, activities must be consensual. But long term dominant submissive relationships are not about orgies with strangers and more importantly a submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent. In order to get the feeling of being helplessly under the control of another, they need things to happen to them for which they do not give consent. Enduring things they would not, and do not, give consent to, proves to them they are helplessly under the control of another;  and they subsequently sleep soundly – wrapped in their cocoon of helplessness to a cruel woman. The cocoon they need and crave.

Then we come to POWER EXCHANGE. Again, I have come across so many people in our community who dislike challenging the norm who  try to shoehorn the square pegs of Power Exchange, into the round hole of dominant submissive relationships. Dominants do not exchange power with submissives. Dominants keep all their power and submissives give up theirs. There is no exchange, (which implies a consensual situation). The submissive’s power is REMOVED. No exchange of power is involved.

So for those of us interested in long term dominant submissive relationships, let’s all try to not use the word masochist when we mean submissive, and never ever use the phrase Safe, Sane and Consensual. And never use the term Power Exchange.  And beware if you use the term,  BDSM, that that does include masochism.

Let’s stick with DS relationships. – Dominant/Submissive. And the submissive surrenders all power to the dominant.

Then the issue I bang on about often; misleading pornography dominates the net as a misrepresentation of what our long term relationships are actually all about. Few of us have a stone-walled dungeon or empty warehouse, few of us spend much time in PVC or corsets or thigh boots. Simply wives  or long term partners, dressed comfortably, possibly sexily, in our homes relaxing and being tyrannically dominant and rather cruel.

There is still the issues of abusive relationships where someone has no power, is abused but is not submissive. We all agree that is illegal and should be prosecuted.

And there is the issue of hard limits; and definitions of these truly test the notion of the submissive giving up all consent. My solution is to define hard limits as activities that stop the submissive feeling submissive. These are different activities depending on the submissive.  If the dominant wants to indulge in such activities, they need to find a different submissive.


38 thoughts on “Community is not helping itself

  1. This has to be one of the best explanation of the different terms being used in the D/S community. Good stuff!

  2. Great comments. You are completely right. We submissives (or at least me), long to be cruelly dominated at the whim of their Owner. We long for a totally one sided relationship where She has all the power and we have none. It is all about Her pleasure. If it pleases Her to give pain, we accept it as Her toy to play with. Whether we like it or not has no bearing on either the activity or our submissive acceptance of it. We are happy to suffer for Her enjoyment. And if all She wants is to lounge in comfortable clothes and receive domestic service, foot rubs or whatever—it is Her right and our pleasure to provide that.

  3. very well said! and agreed upon!
    one very very hard limit this slave has is ballbusting for the simple reason this slaves submissiveness would go completely out the window.
    for this reason,slave uses the phrae put your cards on the table.
    no misunderstandings and hard feelings.
    this slave uses this method for the simple fact no one knows slave better than slave knows itself.the same goes for dressing in female clothing.
    all that would happen in that situation is a lot of hard feeling and no pleasure for either participant.
    hop my words give an insight on just how far i am willing to go!

      1. This response just goes to show how out of kilter your mindset is to the broad D/a community. You’ve just dismissed someone’s genuinely held hard limits (as described by your explanation in your post) in order to make yourself look really extreme. Yawn.

        1. You really have misunderstood where I am coming from and what my intentions are. I do not wish to appear hardcore or extreme and indeed I am not. There are so many much more hardcore Dommes than me. Dommes who get nothing from their sub’s vanilla company are far more hardcore than me. Why so much aggression toward me? Why abuse other commenters too calling them sycophantic?

          It might be helpful if you read what I wrote. I didn’t dismiss his limits at all, not one bit. I was asking why he felt telling us all he had such limits implied he goes a long way for his mistress. It doesn’t make sense.

  4. Your analysis of Venus in Furs is spot on. Severin’s is a submissive who can only show and receive love through enduring “unpleasantries.” I don’t think the writer even fulling comprehended what this meant. Otherwise, the ending of that book might be a little different. 

  5. I realise you’ll disagree because anyone who shows any different point of view to you is generally talked down here or made to feel inferior by all the sycophantic responses from desperate ‘slaves’. But hey, here we go.

    Whilst I do agree with a lot of what you say here I think you are treading on dangerous territory in denigrating the safe, sane and consensual aspects of D/s. You’ve misinterpreted it to suit your own perspective.

    Safe is obvious. Don’t do anything to hurt people that isn’t safe. Obviously this varies from person to person. Some think a light spank is too much, others are happy to have their nut sack nailed to a plank of wood. As long as both are done in a safe way that everyone agrees to turn that’s cool.

    Sane is about the state of mind you are in at the time. You ever hear about people ending up in hospital with a wine bottle lodged up their rear or a guy found dead in a hotel room with a belt around his neck and a satsuma in his mouth? When people are aroused they can do things that wouldn’t normally be considered sane or safe. To dismiss this word and it’s sentiment is foolhardy and misleading. Your example is totally out of context too.

    And then onto consensual – the worst offender in your eyes. I get where you are coming from in terms of a Dominant having ultimate power over the fate of a sub, and an element of boundary pushing enters into this. You also slightly contradict yourself in your last paragraph about hard limits. I agree with you and think this is a good definition. Hard limits are when a sub stops feeling submissive. The fun stops. And this is where consent comes into play. You both enter into a consensual relationship. The sub may not ‘enjoy’ what they are made to do but gets something from it in terms of their submissive response. We’re they not to consent to it because they genuinely don’t want to do it and get no submissive payoff then that must be respected. Going further than this edges into the realms of abuse.

    The three terms are also not meant to be used in isolation. They combine to provide a genuinely simple to follow approach to a D/s relationship. Ok, so your relationship is more ‘hardcore’ than anyone else’s. Well done you. However, D/s, BDSM and any other closely related lifestyles are not well understood by the mainstream media or public at large. It is complex because it sits outside the easily described social ‘norms’ that we are all raised in. Safe, sane and consensual is a way to make the lifestyle more approachable. Anyone suggesting it is rubbish is doing so for their own agenda, be that abuse or just to be a contrarian and garner some attention. The next time the media blame some abusive relationship on BDSM or D/s it will be because of poorly thought through ideas that you have described. Stuff like this causes more damage than you might imagine.

    1. So much aggression when all I’m trying to do is have our lifestyles be more acceptable to society. I might be wrong but I’m having a go. I’m amazed you think I wish to appear hardcore. It could not be further from the truth.

      We both agree on ‘safe’ so why comment on it as though I have been controversial?
      Given sane is a subjective word and you agree what one scene person would say is sane another think is insane, how can a term with no precise meaning be helpful when society is so confused about our lifestyle already? That’s my point.

      You make a good point that the word consensual has benefit regarding to vanilla society. My point is though that the word causes massive confusion for people who want to truly understand the mind of the submissive and I’m particularly thinking of women who may decide to try being dominant. The comments on my post from all the subs seriously confirm my view on this.

      You suggest the three words make our lifestyle more acceptable to society but the words have been around for decades and there has been no serious movement in our acceptability which suggests to me the words are not helping in any way.

      You have so misread my intentions and me as a person and abused my commenters. Why?
      The last thing I want is to appear hardcore or extreme. I am clear my relationship is far from hardcore and I am quite happy with that. I could list 50 ways my lifestyle is less hardcore than many others.
      I am confused as to what has given you these false ideas about me and my intentions. I have no idea why you are being so aggressive.

      I think we should all be sticking together. Perhaps if you could explain why you have these ideas about me, I might be able to show you what I am really like.

  6. The commonly held misconception that all submissives are masochists has bugged me for many years Thanks for clearing that one up. I also agree that there is no power exchange and that indeed, the submissive’s power is removed. The power belongs to the Dominant.

    As regards consent,
    ‘…a submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent. In order to get the feeling of being helplessly under the control of another, they need things to happen to them for which they do not give consent…’
    In my opinion that is spot on.

    Being careful when using the term, BDSM, is also a valid point. Very thought-provoking.

    1. l am masochistic but can be submissive if l am subjected to sufficient pain and humiliation. Once broken l am a devoted slave. I am sure many dominant females find the challenge of breaking a masochist appealing and would be happy to consider a long term ds relationship to explore this particular dynamic. Having said that, mistress, l pretty much agree with your assessment of the terminology used within our community.

      1. Thank you for your comment. My only concern is your words, ‘… I am sure many dominant females find the challenge of breaking a masochist appealing….‘. I am afraid I am doubtful that is the case. Apart from actual man-haters, I think almost all dominant women simply want a submissive to use and abuse and having one, without going through the hassle of ‘breaking them’, would be the preference. Obviously there is training them, but having to break them first, to make them submissive, before training them, sounds like unnecessary hassle. If you see what I mean.

  7. Totally understand what you are trying to convey and it is accurate. The social acceptance of the lifestyle is far out weighed by the misunderstanding and ignorance of the majority. Long term relationships between partners evolve. Just like vanilla relationships evolve, the D/s relationship evolves. This most commonly pushes the needle in the more extreme direction, as you have described happening in your own relationship. Even a submissive by himself through fantasy progresses to a higher level of acceptable degradation as he/she ages. But it is a shame that the women of the world have not tapped into how many actual submissive men are out there. I would bet the divorce rate would most certainly go down if all women realized this. So I agree that the labels and terms the public have used in the past to describe D/s relationships ARE NOT WORKING period.

    On another topic, I don’t know if you have observed what has happened in the twitter world since a MTV real life series showed an episode featuring a real life “financial dominatrix” Jasmine Mendez. She has made a career out of not only dominating men in the old school way of having a session with a submissive that pays her, but through Twitter posts she has men from around the world just sending her money by her demanding it and posting dominant things. This has given the idea to hundreds of young women to do the same. All over Twitter you will find “fin dommes” who just have men sending them money by posting pictures of themselves in full view or pictures of their feet/shoes and by “acting” dominant. I only bring this up because it truly shows how many submissive men are out there (evident by the number of followers they have) and what they will do just to get a small taste of being dominated. One positive thing that may be happening through this is that young women are realizing sooner how many submissive men are out there. They gain a sense of power from this and it will become more the norm to see long term D/s relationships because a lot of the young women will enjoy the power they get from it. Some of the women have stated that they have turned their real life boyfriends into slaves since starting to “fin domme”. That goes back to the original thought here of “evolving”. I know the flip side of this is that a lot of these women are just after money, but anything that promotes dominant women is always going to be a plus for the submissive male world. I was wondering what your thoughts about this would be?

    1. Great comment, so many excellent points.
      I hope you are right about the publicity for Findom. I too can only see it increasing the number of women who want to be dominant as a lifestyle.

    2. overly optimistic; its easy to just send money. every twitch girl selling gamer girl bathwater gets piles of money for nothing. personally ive never felt prodommes really dom and those subs buying services/sending money really submits, its a performance on both ends. involving money is nice for amateur doms but also brings fakes out of the woodwork.
      frankly, mixed feelings about prodommes.

      1. You are right, but I can speak with experience and say while some pro domes and Findommes are ‘fake’, there are others who create situations where the dominance they exert is 100% real for the submissive. And most of these end up with a lifestyle slave sub.

        But I think the thrust of my point was that more females are getting involved in being dominant (fake or real) than ever before and it can only be a good thing.

  8. It looks like the issue is You have developed a extreme level of intimacy over an extended period of time and have high level of expectations, communication and understanding and trust because of that. Others can only have aspirations for this, and thus have to rely on basic communication and points especially if we are novices at BDSM or don’t yet have that level of trust.

    1. Yes I did write in my post that safe words are required in the early stages of a DS relationship. And I agree basic communication is critical.
      So it should use unambiguous words I am sure you agree. Thank you for your considered comment.

  9. As a vanilla reader who finds your blog shocking but hard not to be fascinated by, I am only concerned with the consent aspect. I know you say a sub feels the desire to feel that things happen that they do not consent to, but most female sub blogs emphasize how they want to be serve their dom or have their dom tell them no on occasion, but they rarely would claim that they do not consent or want to give consent, especially in the long term — even in so-called TPE relationships. . You come across as extreme in this regard in my opinion. Maybe your sub wants the FEELING at times of accepting not being in control, but if they are truly not consenting and cannot stop the action AT LEAST in the long term, I feel it is mental/emotional abuse. I would go further and say that mind games / playing with a subs psyche so that they change what they would consent to is a slippery slope. Would they originally have agreed to such mental conditioning? More broadly, is that foundational consent (which you may not even agree with) freely given and not coerced? For this not to be abuse there must be at SOME underlying, foundational level the ability to consent and withdraw consent, or else it seems to me to be abuse. Maybe in the day to day the issue must arise, but if you are truly using operant conditioning to make someone change accept something they never wanted to be trained to accept, it is abusive in my opinion unless they agreed that they wanted to be so conditioned at an even more “meta” level..
    I think/hope perhaps that your sub wanted you to push him and agreed to some discomfort/misery — consented to it in fact. If he never wanted this and you systematically pushed him to accept your psychological and physical torture, how can it not be abuse? Sorry, but a some deep-down level I hope your husband actually does WANT THIS and hence consents. Otherwise I pity him if he is truly mentally unable to break free from you. I am not quite sure of where craving it = consenting big picture, but the day to day illusion of lack of consent should not be the same as truly not consenting. I hope your husband is not a kind of victim of Stockholm syndrome…

    Finally, most blogs I read indicate that the dom respects the sub, even in Dom mode or even if providing erotic humiliation. Yours comes across as you despising your sub when not in your vanilla-time mode. If you get your pleasure out of this, I hope your husband does too and is not simply too afraid to leave because he is afraid he will not find another Domme. That is in my opinion a sad reason for you to be gleeful that he accepts what you heap on him and is hardly free choice on his part. Many women stay with physically abusive men for a similar reason — they cannot see a better light at the end of the tunnel. ONLY freely given consent at some makes what you do not abuse, All just my opinion, of course. I am no legal or psychological expert, but I believe in human dignity even of a sub not to be sucked in where they permanently CANNOT choose differently, even if they think they want that at first.

    You say you are not that extreme relatively but your views on consent strike me as extreme. If your sub thought he really wanted to lose consent, maybe it was unethical to give him what he wanted… You should perhaps not have consented to that, as I see it. Sorry for the diatribe but I had to vent my feelings on this matter.

    1. You perhaps fail to notice how disrespectful and insulting you are to submissives. Believe me you are. And your comment is full of inconstancies and contradictions.

      I am unsure why you seem to completely ignore or misrepresent the most significant issue. Throughout your comment you seem to suggest, normal males are tricked into a subordinate role and then Stockholm syndrome occurs or wilful conditioning occurs to change the male into a submissive who craves to be dominated.

      Did you not read the submissive males’ comments on the post? If you had you would have read submissive males stating they would cherish having bitch-boy’s life. Their choice; their sexuality. Unless you think gay men are seduced into ‘gayness’, why do you insult submissive males by suggesting submissiveness is not their sexuality, but that they must be converted into it; and they are so weak they can be so converted.

      Have you also not read what I repeat often. I knew nothing about femdom until I met bitch-boy when HE INTRODUCED ME TO IT. Not the other way around. So I would be interested if you would reassess your position taking account of the fact that sexual submissiveness is a sexuality. It is how submissives are and want to live. This is a FACT. Not something up for challenge. They do not want to be ‘converted’ to not be submissive. Are you someone who supports conversion therapy for gay people?

      You write, ‘….you say a sub feels the desire to feel that things happen that they do not consent to…’ I do not ‘say’ this. Read the comments from the other submissives throughout my blog. It is a fact, not something I say. Why do you ignore that this is a fact. other than it does not suit your prejudiced position to accept this fact. Why do you think there are hundreds of thousands of dominatrix professionals? I do wonder what you think about that FACT. They do their best to help submissive males experience, at least for an hour or two, the feelings they would prefer to have in a full time relationship but unfortunately the demand for dominant wives far outstrips the supply.

      You write, ‘…….but I believe in human dignity even of a sub not to be sucked in where they permanently CANNOT choose differently, even if they think they want that at first…..‘ If you had read much of my blog, you will have read that I consider bitch-boy the most intelligent person I have ever met; and also the most charmingly assertive, when in vanilla mode; which all made him very successful in business. But you are able to use phrases like, ‘even if they think they want that at first.’ As though he is or was some naïve dullard, innocently having no idea what he was asking for. And do you think he really has the weak mind-set of an abused woman who does not leave an abusive relationship?

      If he did not need our relationship, he would leave in a heartbeat. He is very strong, like many submissive males, and you insult them deeply suggesting they could be so weak. Obviously you also insult bitch-boy, writing you pity him if he is unable to break from me. You should be ashamed. He does not want your pity, nor need it. He wants you to accept his sexuality with an open mind instead of pitying him as though he were weak. I have already set out how he is literally the opposite of weak.

      And you think, because of your prejudiced values, I should not give him what he wants. I should deprive him of being at peace with his sexuality and his lifestyle needs. Shame on you.

      And when it comes to my lifestyle being extreme. I will state what I have stated often. I spend a good amount of time in vanilla mode with bitch-boy, because I love his vanilla company. Extensive travel, good food and wine, a good movie, great box-sets, visiting or entertaining vanilla relatives and friends, etc, etc, etc. But there is another level altogether when is comes to ‘extreme’. Those Dommes who get no pleasure from their submissive’s vanilla company. Their 24/7/365 truly constant dominance is at a whole different level to my lifestyle. Those are ‘extreme’ relationships. But of the submissives I have interacted with who are in those relationships, even they would not change anything. The needs of their sexuality are being met and they are deeply content.

      I would very much appreciate you coming back to me having taken on board the following facts:
      ## Submissives are made that way. Not their choice. Just like gay males, it is their sexuality.
      ## They want to live a life according to their sexuality, just like gay males do.
      ## They are mostly very strong and intelligent people. Not weak or naïve or simpletons.
      ## If they are lucky enough to be in a DS relationship, they can walk away any time. They choose to stay because they are content.
      ## They need stuff to happen to them they do not consent to or else they are not being dominated. If they are not being dominated, they are not living a life according to their sexuality. Like a gay man with a female wife.
      ## They want respect from people like you, not judgment and condescending pity.

      1. Thank you for posting my comment and replying. I am not arguing against submissiveness being innate or something someone desires (nor dominance for that matter). I was arguing about the coercive aspect that you highlight. “If he did not need our relationship, he would leave in a heartbeat.”and “If they are lucky enough to be in a DS relationship, they can walk away any time. They choose to stay because they are content.” Great. But I had read other places on your blog (just searched and cannot find, it was a while ago) that you have conditioned your husband that he is so in awe of your dominance that you he could not leave no matter what you do to him anymore. Sorry if this is a poor paraphrase, I could not find the original post. Even here, “submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent.” vs “If he did not need our relationship, he would leave in a heartbeat.”

        That seems to me almost like hooking someone on drugs in a sense. I am again NOT arguing that submissiveness is a bad thing equivalent to drugs!! It is the coercive aspect that concerns me. Maybe in is a matter of semantics or your tone that concerns me.. But you also have written that he is permanently locked up in chastity and he has indicated that he regrets/rues this aspect of his life as well even if he accepts it in the bigger picture (he will never have intercourse with you for example). Did he want this in the beginning as a permanent feature of his existence? He may have approached you at first into D/s, but as you have written rather sadistically, in places, be careful what you ask for! That hardly strikes me as retaining free will. Are you still thinking of his well-being in the big picture as you have grown more sadistic?

        Perhaps my concern is semantic. There is such a paradox of wanting to not want something that it is hard to unravel. “I want humiliation in a scene or to obey you” is one thing, but “I want to never have a choice (even to choose to exit this)” seems to conflict with ” he would leave in a heartbeat.”. Your husband is no dullard, but you seem to have systematically tried (perhaps at his request) to strip him of his free will, not just to play the game of FEELING that way, and that is all that concerns me. I will not keep writing to argue this, because it may just be a paradox I cannot resolve. How can he want/need this when he cannot consent to it, yet he in consenting by staying in it, yet you are conditioning him to crave it when you indicate that earlier in your relationship he might not have, etc? The mind-twisting aspect of this paradox is perhaps too much for me, and I hope that at the deepest levels your husband remains free to choose… not just his sexuality but his ability to walk away if you get too severe, that it has not been conditioned out of him for your sadistic pleasure alone.

        In short (hah, sorry): “submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent.” vs “If he did not need our relationship, he would leave in a heartbeat.”. He needs it at this point I guess, I fear, but does he want it? I truly hope he is happy at the deepest level, and this is not just for you, no matter who initiated it.

        1. You cannot condition someone to be in awe of you. I have never written that.

          I can see no conflict at all between the two statemments, “….submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent.” vs “If he did not need our relationship, he would leave in a heartbeat…..”

          Again you imply bitch-boy was not submissive before meeting me and I hooked him to it. Would you ever say a gay male got hooked onto being gay by someone else? No, of course not. bitch-boy was ‘hooked’ on being dominated before he was 10 years old. He found himself to be submissive and fantasised about being under the cruel control of another from then on. Thirty years before he met me! He was a submissive. Having met me and INTRIDUCED ME to it, he no longer needed to fantasise. The life he had dreamed of for thirty years he finally got. Where is my coercion????

          Now you insult me. Am I thinking of his well being? He is very precious to me. Half of a pair in perfect symbiosis. He sleeps contented sleep every night BECUASE I dominate him. If I did not he would not. It is the wives of submissive males who do not dominate their males that are not thinking of their well being surely?

          Of course his free will is curtailed otherwise he would be dominated would he? Duh! And if he was not dominated he would be frustrated and sad. It is a paradox that he needs things to happen to him he does not wish to, in order to feel whole and content. But that is him. He does not need to visit one of the hundreds of thousands of dominatrix around the world . He has his dominant wife. (I notice you did not respond about why there are hundreds of thousands of dominatrix around the world.)

          Why do you say he does not have the choice to exit. He does. He chooses to stay. I am not conditioning him to crave being dominated. He has craved being dominated since he was 10! What are you taking about? He needs it even though there are many aspects he does not like. But without the aspects he does not like, he would not feel dominated and would be lost and discontented. It is actually a simple paradox. You simply refuse to get it because you don’t like it. Well shame on your closed mind.

          Below are excerpts of comments from yesterday from two submissives. Does it sound like I am wrong when you read what they right. Or are you wrong?

          1. ………Finally I found my Domme who I am currently married to. We both love your writings and she has read your manual (also let me read the part for subbys) Both often comment on how well you understand the sub psyche. This writing particularly hit the nail on the head for me as it felt as you were describing my submissive mind exactly as the thoughts are in my head. I am now living as my wife’s sissy maid serving her in whatever way she asks and we couldn’t be happier. I just wanted to thank you for all you do here. I appreciate this blog so much….. And word to anyone looking to produce femdom material be it professional or amateur pornography to consult the writings here because there is more understanding here about being in the head of a submissive than anywhere else I’ve seen.

          2. ……I write simply to attest the accuracy of Ms Scarlet’s theory. There is no question it is a sexuality and she is unbelievably eloquent in describing the contradictory dynamics and detail………… Thank you Ms Scarlet for your writing, I do envy bb and your writing has helped me personally (and I suspect others) more than you could possibly realise. And my thanks to bb too as he no doubt is the source of your understanding.

      2. I am a born submissive. My wife knows but has no interest in the lifestyle I truly crave. We have two children. I am very assertive, sometimes necessarily aggressive professionally and hold a very senior position paying high six figures plus bonus and benefits. I have no interest in receiving either respect or pity from any party. I regularly visit an expensive but incredible and wonderful Dominatrix, I would prefer that I didn’t have to.
        I write simply to attest the accuracy of Ms Scarlet’s theory. There is no question it is a sexuality and she is unbelievably eloquent in describing the contradictory dynamics and detail. But frankly, I neither have any interest in ‘submissive’ rights, joining the campaign.
        Thank you Ms Scarlet for your writing, I do envy bb and your writing has helped me personally (and I suspect others) more than you could possibly realise. And my thanks to bb too as he no doubt is the source of your understanding.

      3. Ms Scarlett,

        I think one observation is that we are all readers of this blog, and have only a very narrow perspective on the actual mix of Vanilla and D/s in your relationship with bitch-boy. As readers, it as if you go from the Ralgex stick, to the nettles the next day, and then tea time with dollies followed up with a vicious deterrent caning. We only see the D/s highlights of your lifestyle, which is as it should be since yours is a D/s blog.

        You make casual asides about all the vanilla time with bitch-boy, but as an audience we don’t hear much about that at all. After all, you can’t really blog about binge watching Downtown Abbey with Bitch boy next to you on couch, rooting on the Dowager Countess.

        As an audience, some of us accept that there is adequate vanilla downtime to counterbalance your tyrannical dominance of bitch-boy. But, some readers don’t see it that way – they focus on every kinky activity you write about, and downplay all the vanilla time that comes up in between. And if a reader doesn’t see the intervening vanilla downtime, or the care and consideration you show outside of a “scene” they will start to think that the relationship has become so one sided that it has crept over the boundary to abuse. So inevitably you are going to get some pushback from where people draw the line, and it is made even worse by the very filtered perspective we get on your time with bitch-boy.

        Let me ask you a question: did you get a Christmas Tree this year with bitch-boy in attendance? Was it basically a vanilla expedition? If it was, tell us about it. If it was kinky we would all like to know. But if it was rather boring and mundane, please tell us all about it, because it is that slice of life of a “normal” couple that makes all of the rest of the D/s activities more appealing. While the male readers of your blog are enthralled by every wicked and cruel action you take, fledgling female dominants might be more interested in the interplay between vanilla life and D/s, and the ways that Dominance can create a context that transforms how those vanilla times are experienced.

        1. A very intelligent and perceptive comment. Thank you.
          I did make the conscious decision, when I began the blog, to make it all about DS activity. I had seen so many lifestyle Mistress blogs where posts are all about minor illnesses, pets, sports teams’ performance they follow, mundane boring stuff, etc. I started the blog 9 years ago, as I could not find a blog I wanted to follow that was exclusively all about real life DS without the boring bits! I wanted to have other women see it was an exciting, life changing, amazing lifestyle.

          I do fairly often mention that I spend pleasurable time with bitch-boy in vanilla mode and I even mention in my manual that there is a DS aspect when I tell him, ‘until further notice I am using you for your vanilla company’. So I still feel like I own my puppet and he still feels like he is owned and controlled. I do not then go into fine detail describing that vanilla time. I don’t think I will begin to do so. Hmmmmm?

          But perhaps, once a month? I will publish a post mentioning the sorts of vanilla things and time that have occurred the proceeding month.

          I was thinking about creating another website, linked to my intended communication with mainstream womens’ magazines as I had recognised that this blog is not suitable for fledging dominants and might scare them away. Perhaps I build that site and make reference to it frequently, where vanilla time will be made clear.

          I will post today about your comment and the vanilla activity of the buying of Christmas tree. Thank you again.

      4. “They choose to stay ..”
        you cannot choose without consent!
        you cannot choose without consent!
        you cannot choose without consent!

        if you half jokingly suggest he takes his eyes out with a fork to make himself blind, he will, for he has no consent.

        he will kill himself if you jokingly say so, if he has no consent.

        no consent talk is a rubbish jerk-off fantasy without reality. none of those subs talking would really be for it, for they want to say anything you say on the internet, they would say moon is cheese if you said so! does that make “moon is cheese” a fact?

        if reality, its abuse to be without fundamental consent.

        you can be plenty sub with some basic consent, to compare to gays is insulting to gays, gays can practice being gay safely, too, you are saying gays head will propably explode if they practice being gay, as you conpare, as it can possible explode on no-consent, if he kills himself with a shotgun, because of possible off-colour joke of ” go kill yourself”. he cannot do anything else, for he has no consent, so he graps the nearest firearm…

        even you and him practice some basic consent, or its abuse, and you are abuser and he is abused. no matter of how much money either made, not an argument, plenty of rich people killed/seriously permanently injured themselves or/and others.

        without consent, you could say to him to rape a baby to death and he would do it, for he has no consent. ridicilous. DANGEROUS!

        i hope you wont write that.. foolish to say the least, no-consent thing on your manual, it would be a disaster, and i hope you would be criminally prosecuted.

        have a merry christmas, you troll.

        1. Were you drunk when you wrote this?
          You speak for all gay men? Are you gay? The gay male friends I have discussed this with, agree with me.
          Why have you begun to follow my blog as I am such an idiot and all those that comment are even worse than idiots?

          1. okay, so one of dozens(!) ( normally on your blog posts just a few comments, 36 comments on this post, of mostly highly critical) who question you, you claim that such a thing is so outlandish ( to criticize you), that you claim him drunk, because otherwise its just impossible someone would criticize you. you imply having no consent is as good as having free healthcare from nordic countries.

            one of us might be 24/7 drunk, drunk on their own unwarranted self-importance. guess which one?

            what exactly did you ask of these hypothethical “gay people?”
            did you ask them how would they feel if consent was taken away from them? if they could be beaten up ( hey, its theoretical impact play for him/her ) or raped or money taken away (findom), or anything, because they had no consent, and other one wanted it?

            or did you ask like this, and did they take it as this as I suspect: ” would you like to have sex without legal repercussion from contractic other person HIV? ” because that is what I think you made them understand.

            Gay people suffer from higher rates of violence, robberies, rapes than average people. Because of homophobic people. I doubt the “gay people”, of who you claim to talk to, really said:
            “oh yeah, i like to have NO CONSENT. its just great that i have no protection from anything. yeah, love it. its totally no insane thing at all. thanks for suggesting me that, i totally understand what you meant, and you totally did not left out critical information out, then claim you are not lying, because leaving critical information out does not make you a liar technically, like some slimy lawyer would say – I just totally love to have no consent of anything! not even in my own affairs. thats just what us gay people do – we love to have no consent over anything. yup yup, thats what we dream of, thanks, random woman!. just so some single woman could use us as their shield on the internet, the gay people TM, on some silly internet argument and claim, where we hypothethically claim, that we love having no consent, even though every sane person does in everywhere, obviously. we just love so much shilling for this random one dom woman, yup yup. this is totally realistic thing that happens and gay people love this universally, having no consent, i mean.”

            give me a break.

            you just like for completely selfish reasons of your subs to have no consent and you claim it with totally nuts arguments, that are only so nutty and fake, but also.. just pitiful, and a bit laughable. its okay to just admit, that you dont want your subs to have consent, because you like it, but i do detest, that you take random people as your shields, like gay community as a whole.

            1. People who seem to disagree with your view of me:
              ………Your blog and writings not only inspire the community and guide the community to find their own ways to express their own needs of love but also it takes away the loneliness in being, or feeling, like a minority frowned upon or misunderstood……………
              ……………….. your core reading of the needs of submission, boiling things down to the fact that some kinds of men just sleep better at night having been forced by a dominant woman to do things that do not want to do, and that they do not rest easy in their soul unless this happens, is one of the most insightful and succinct summations I’ve come across……………..
              …I absolutely adore your blog and your style and for myself personally, Your blog is the best thing to read for Femdom…

              …I absolutely love the idea of a manual written by You, Mistress Scarlet! Your methods, Your innate sadism, Your full and complete understanding of the submissive psyche make You uniquely qualified to write such a manual, Ma’am! As a submissive, I absolutely adore You for Your understanding of, and Your ability to describe in words the true nature of the submissive…how he/she can only be contented when his/her submissive nature is fully exploited…

              …This is absolutely brilliant advice and I plan to implement it. I am a fairly new Dom and I try my best to come up with restrictive positions for my sub, but figuring something out on the fly and just “winging” it doesn’t work for me. This advice is pure gold! Thank you!..

              …First, I need to say that every idea and thought you post is amazing! The ideas shared are intoxicating…

              …A BIG fan of your site and of course Your Journals. I do have a questions about Your fantastic approach to the TSD…

              …I am a huge fan of you and your writing. Thank you for everything…

              …Your style of Domination has always fascinated me…..… because it is real……. not fluffed up like so many others…… and Your writings are superb…

              …Such a key and insightful diagnosis of the major fall-down point for beginning F/m-D/s relationships…

              …Such wise words spoken again by Mistress Scarlet – I can totally understand where You are coming from…

              …Although now historical – but as always excellent advice. I am doing my best to catch up 6 years worth of posts /entries of this truly excellent Femdom blog. It truly sets the standard as to how all Blogs should be!..

              Ms. Scarlet, BTW, I truly do love both your relationship with BB, and your blog. I quote you often in my own blog, and you are an inspiration to both myself and my Mistress…

              …This is wonderful how You pointed all these aspects out. And, i immediately see how totally right you are! Why should She have to be bothered with all the clothes changing and such? Better She just be able to be comfortable and “roll out” to a party or BBQ, as you say! Wow, had never thought how true that was. Thank you…

              …You are the most amazing dominant in thought and deed that I have seen represented on the Internet…

              …I humbly follow your blog and tumbler, finding them both inspiring and enlightening…

              …Your blog and Journals have proved to be a boon to our relationship…
              …Just wanted to take the time to thank you for sharing this image and your thoughts. It’s so easy as an un-owned submissive male to believe the lifestyle is nothing but 100% pure fantasy based on most images around. But your blog and Tumblr do an excellent job of showcasing the reality of the lifestyle, which is much more exciting than any of the “fanciful material” out there. Your curation on your Tumblr is fantastic.
              …I’ve been a long time reader of your blog and just wanted to express my thanks for taking the time and energy to share your lifestyle with the world. I assure you it’s made a difference in helping me examine my own submission, and I’m sure countless others on both sides of the whip as well…
              …Thank you for your awe-inspiring blog article…
              …Greetings Mistress Scarlet and thank you so much for the continued blogging which makes all our lives that much better…
              …You’ve been so very generous to grace Your followers with 11 wonderful publications…simply the best femdom literature ever published!..
              …Thank you for reading this and your ever educational and articulate expression of thought…

  10. Miss Scarlet,
    I am a long time reader of your blog first time commenting. I grew up reading this blog as a young man. Shamefully I was using it to fulfill a young mans fantasy. We all know what that implies I was doing while reading. As the years went on I matured and I begin to make sense of why your writings were so affecting of me. You understood and spoke so much to the submissive mind that it was like you wrote out all the thoughts and reasons I felt the way I did better than I ever could articulate them.

    I tried in my younger years many times to “fix my brain”and quit cold turkey this submissive fantasy but it never worked and only made me more shameful and confused. My first serious relationship failed in part that my partner could not accept that part of me and it made me feel terrible. After we parted ways I decided this was something I needed aided by your writings I set out with a better understanding of why I needed to submit, and that my brain didn’t need fixing.

    Finally I found my Domme who I am currently married to. We both love your writings and she has read your manual (also let me read the part for subbys)
    Both often comment on how well you understand the sub psyche. This writing particularly hit the nail on the head for me as it felt as you were describing my submissive mind exactly as the thoughts are in my head. I am now living as my wife’s sissy maid serving her in whatever way she asks and we couldn’t be happier.

    I just wanted to thank you for all you do here. I appreciate this blog so much.

    Also your picture blogs timblr/bdsmlr. And word to anyone looking to produce femdom material be it professional or amateur pornography to consult the writings here because there is more understanding here about being in the head of a submissive than anywhere else I’ve seen.

    Sub BB

  11. This is why Regular Guys shouldn’t read “shocking” blogs they don’t understand. My wife and I are new to FLR and she still has a hard time understanding the submissive mindset. I think the one thing Ms. Scarlet forgot to say in defense of submissive men and BB that I read on her blog was one time she asked BB if he could change one thing about their relationship what would it be. He didn’t say no more dressing up as a parody of a little girl, or Linnex cream, nettles, etc. Nope, he didn’t say any of that. He said he would change not having sex with Ms. Scarlet. Doesn’t sound like BB is being coerced into something he doesn’t want to do. This “desperate slave” would guess that BB biggest fear is Ms. Scarlet would stop dominating him not the other way around.

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