Because of a number of comments on recent posts of mine I have been thinking more about how marriages involving domination and submission could become more mainstream, more attractive to potential dominant women, and more acceptable to society. (I guess by marriages I also mean long term relationships.)
It became apparent as I thought about this, that within our community, misleading words and phrases are used all the time and misleading pornography dominates as a misrepresentation of what our long term relationships are actually all about. So it is hardly surprising those not in the community are usually unable to understand what the relationships are all about and they get the wrong end of the stick.
You could argue it all began with the interpretation by idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s very famous book, Venus in Furs. The first book ever to hit the mainstream about an overtly dominant submissive relationship. The book is about a man obsessed with wanting to be the slave of a woman, to be dominated and owned by her. But the idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists of the time, invented the term masochist as a result of the book and so the concept of submissiveness was replaced with, arousal through receiving pain – masochism. Leopold’s fictional character was seen as a masochist by mainstream rather than a submissive.
Leopold’s male character was a submissive. He NEEDED to be controlled by a cruel woman. He needed things to happen to him he did not like while they were happening, as a means of him having no doubt he was helplessly in the power of a cruel woman. Being in physical pain was not his goal, being truly dominated was. BUT because of the idiot simplistic Freudian psychologists, the first ever famous submissive seeking a cruel dominant to rule him, was misrepresented and misunderstood by the mainstream as a masochist.
There are masochists; I know that. People who actually seek pain for arousal and who are often not submissive, but their number is dwarfed by the number of submissives there are. A dominant woman does not want a long term relationship with a masochist. They want a long term relationship with a submissive.
Then we come to the terrible term coined for one-night-stand type get togethers. Safe, Sane and Consensual. I have come across so many people in our community who ironically dislike challenging the norm and who therefore try to shoehorn the square pegs of Safe, Sane and Consensual, into the round hole of dominant submissive relationships. Obviously I have no problem with safe. But Sane! – Of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill.
What one person may find insane another may find completely sane. A Sharia law Muslim male or Hasidic Jewish male would find the notion of women having equal rights to men to be mad, to be INSANE. So we have a subjective, meaningless word which should never be used to further any useful discussion or to define anything.
Then we have the worst offender. CONSENSUAL. When meeting a stranger at an orgy, yes, activities must be consensual. But long term dominant submissive relationships are not about orgies with strangers and more importantly a submissive needs EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE to giving their consent. In order to get the feeling of being helplessly under the control of another, they need things to happen to them for which they do not give consent. Enduring things they would not, and do not, give consent to, proves to them they are helplessly under the control of another; and they subsequently sleep soundly – wrapped in their cocoon of helplessness to a cruel woman. The cocoon they need and crave.
Then we come to POWER EXCHANGE. Again, I have come across so many people in our community who dislike challenging the norm who try to shoehorn the square pegs of Power Exchange, into the round hole of dominant submissive relationships. Dominants do not exchange power with submissives. Dominants keep all their power and submissives give up theirs. There is no exchange, (which implies a consensual situation). The submissive’s power is REMOVED. No exchange of power is involved.
So for those of us interested in long term dominant submissive relationships, let’s all try to not use the word masochist when we mean submissive, and never ever use the phrase Safe, Sane and Consensual. And never use the term Power Exchange. And beware if you use the term, BDSM, that that does include masochism.
Let’s stick with DS relationships. – Dominant/Submissive. And the submissive surrenders all power to the dominant.
Then the issue I bang on about often; misleading pornography dominates the net as a misrepresentation of what our long term relationships are actually all about. Few of us have a stone-walled dungeon or empty warehouse, few of us spend much time in PVC or corsets or thigh boots. Simply wives or long term partners, dressed comfortably, possibly sexily, in our homes relaxing and being tyrannically dominant and rather cruel.
There is still the issues of abusive relationships where someone has no power, is abused but is not submissive. We all agree that is illegal and should be prosecuted.
And there is the issue of hard limits; and definitions of these truly test the notion of the submissive giving up all consent. My solution is to define hard limits as activities that stop the submissive feeling submissive. These are different activities depending on the submissive. If the dominant wants to indulge in such activities, they need to find a different submissive.