Does the vanilla time make the DS stuff more appealing?

I know most of you do not read the comments on posts on this blog so you would have missed exchanges I have been having with a male who seems to read my blog intently and has done so for some while? but does not think femdom healthy and contends I am coercing bitch-boy in an abusive relationship he should escape from. These are comments on my post of 6 December 2019.

Well the latest comment from malepet is very perceptive I think. He suggests, because I do not give extensive details  of the vanilla time I spend with bitch-boy, many people who read this blog think there is no vanilla time; despite me frequently stating I often tell bitch-boy that ‘…..until further notice I will be using you for your vanilla company.’ I tell him this because it reinforces that I am the boss and he is my toy, even though there will be no overt domination until the vanilla time has ended. I even put this in my BDSM manual.

In this blog I often mention our vanilla time. Extensive and frequent travel at home and abroad, fine dining, cinema, box set bingeing,  good TV, visiting and entertaining vanilla friends and relatives, etc. I do not describe it in any detail. malepet contends the following:

…….. As an audience, some of us accept that there is adequate vanilla downtime to counterbalance your tyrannical dominance of bitch-boy. But, some readers don’t see it that way – they focus on every kinky activity you write about, and downplay all the vanilla time that comes up in between. And if a reader doesn’t see the intervening vanilla downtime, or the care and consideration you show outside of a “scene” they will start to think that the relationship has become so one sided that it has crept over the boundary to abuse. So inevitably you are going to get some pushback from where people draw the line, and it is made even worse by the very filtered perspective we get on your time with bitch-boy.

And he also writes:

…… did you get a Christmas Tree this year with bitch-boy in attendance? Was it basically a vanilla expedition? If it was, tell us about it. If it was kinky we would all like to know. But if it was rather boring and mundane, please tell us all about it, because it is that slice of life of a “normal” couple that makes all of the rest of the D/s activities more appealing. 

Buying our Christmas tree was very vanilla! I did make the conscious decision, when I began the blog, 9 years ago, to make it all about DS activity. I had seen so many lifestyle Mistress blogs where posts are all about minor illnesses, pets, sports teams’ performance they follow, current affairs; mundane boring stuff. I started the blog as I could not find a blog I wanted to follow that was exclusively all about real life DS without the boring bits of life! I wanted to have other women see it was an exciting, life changing, amazing lifestyle.

So blog followers would you find that a detailed  ‘….slice of life of a “normal” couple makes all of the rest of the D/s activities more appealing’ ? I have to say, I think not.

I was thinking about creating another website, linked to my intended communication with mainstream womens’ magazines as I had recognised that this blog is not suitable for fledging dominants and might scare them away. The original purpose of the blog was intended to be to get more women to be dominant. Am I now failing in that aim as I, and the blog, have evolved so much?  Perhaps I build that alternative site and make reference to it frequently, where vanilla time will be made much more clear.

(Of course something else I often point out is how far from extreme my lifestyle is, compared to the Dommes that no longer get any pleasure from vanilla time with their sub. So the full-on domination and submission is literally 24/7/365, every minute of every day. Ironically, my contact with males in such relationships suggests they are utterly content submissives living the life they always fantasised about.)

13 thoughts on “Does the vanilla time make the DS stuff more appealing?

  1. You are a reference for the community, do not let yourself be lost by frustrated people

    Es usted una referencia para la comunidad, no se deje perder por personas frustradas

  2. To be able to go from binge watching your favorite shows together. To Strip! Put on your Sissy Outfit! Grab your Coloring book bitch! Is a True show of Dominance! Don’t change a thing Ma’am.

  3. Nah, there are enough others lamenting their vanilla lives, talking about family visiting over the holidays, cooking, managing their kids, etc.

    Your blog is one of the few I still read and look toward daily, and still is operating over the years, we’re not here to kibitz over tea, we’re here for the nitty-gritty. You have referenced vanilla support in the past, but it’s overshadowed by the topic at hand. No worries if someone judges based on incomplete info. They would still judge based on incomplete info or consider the more vanilla posts “strawmen”.

    That said I’m glad you are honestly looking at growing and appreciate that is a pervasive aspect of your personality rather than getting stuck in a rut. Admirable.

  4. I think your blog could be a bit intimidating(?) for *very new* Dommes that aren’t comfortable with their sadistic side and don’t really understand the inner working of the dynamic and how things can evolve.

    It is hard to paint a full picture through blogging. When I first came across your blog, it did seem like you were, what you describe as 24/7/365, and more on the extreme side of the spectrum. Over time, I came to notice more.

    You give me great ideas and encouragement to keep working towards making the life I want. Your blog is refreshing (you’re in my top five). I have come across an unfortunate amount of women bloggers that seem like they are burdened by leading and don’t enjoy being (deliciously) sadistic and Dominant, but still claim to like being in control. They contradict themselves. It infuriates me, to be honest. I definitely don’t get any of that from your blog!

    You do this from time to time but, I like to read about how couples integrate D/s into day-to-day lives, outside of scenes. Protocols, rituals, rules… little things that can make big impacts on days when it isn’t full on, if that makes sense. I think that requires some vanilla talk.

    I also like when bloggers keep it real and don’t just talk about the good times. I’m not saying you should change by any means… this is YOUR blog, write about the stuff that you want to write about.

  5. Those of us who have lived in a FLR realise how difficult it would be to live a 24/7 365 life, I personally wouldn’t want to live like that anyway, as much as I’m the subservient one in the relationship, I still want the romantic side of being with somebody I love. Mistress Scarlet, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone, let alone someone who I’d contend is a male submissive in denial and conflict with his feelings… I’m sure his attempts at calling your dynamic are more to do with his own self loathing about his feelings which he projects onto you.

  6. Thank you for engaging substantively with my comment.

    Let me just say that you have a fantastic and insightful D/s blog. Dropping much of the vanilla bits from your blog and writings was the correct editorial decision. It is only having all the great D/s content and doing more vanilla oriented outreach at the same time that is the issue.

    Your idea of having a secondary website where you promote D/s in a more low key style is an excellent solution. This blog is towards the deep end of the pool – you want someplace with shallower waters where the wary can get used to this new domain. You apparently already see the issue, so I will not belabor the point.

    While there is no need to water down the core of your message, perhaps you could down play some of more edgy practices like some of the humiliation activities you seem to relish. They can distract from your message and could potentially alienate a curious novice.

    Since you have already written an excellent guide to D/s, you have already done the work to help Dominants swim in the deep end. The challenge seems to be inspiring and enticing beginners to test the waters. Challenging them to adopt a new lifestyle can be a big ask, especially for a novice Domme that has been nagged into dominance by a needy sub.

    But the novices don’t actually need to adopt the lifestyle. All they need to do is commit to experimenting and get started in exploring their Dominance. One they get to that point where they feel the true power and pleasures of Dominance, your work is done. The product pretty much will sell itself at that point.

    You don’t have to sell the D/s lifestyle to novices – all you need to is have prospective Dominant woman take it out for a test drive! That is not necessarily an easy task, but it is a manageable task, Novices need ideas, confidence, guidance, and some moral support – all of which you are extremely well suited to supply.

  7. First let me say I do not believe there is another person who writes about real dominant-submissive relationships with such honesty, intelligence and with such incite as you do Scarlet. Your discussion on the vanilla aspects of the lifestyle is another example of how you bring realism into an area which is almost always pure fantasy.

    I have to say my head hurts a bit from reading all of the reply comments. I think they are all well meant but, there are so many conflicting statements among them as well within some of the comments. But better conflicting comments which show you are getting your readers to think and react to what you say then no comments at all.

    As to your question about including the vanilla aspects of your life, does anyone really believe that any full time relationship can survive with one partner constantly being subject to intense humiliation, degradation and misery? And if one is going to write honestly about such a relationship, then including some discussion, no matter how brief, to show what they experience in the lifestyle is, in my humble view, essential. Furthermore, explaining that there are times when the submissive is treated as an equal (ok maybe almost equal:) makes the contrast with the treatment as the submissive that much more intense. So for example when I allow pussie to watch a sporting event on TV, even dressed in regular male clothing , imagine just how much more degraded he is when afterword,the sissy is put back in a cute school girl outfit and send to the basement to do hours of ironing in 5″ heels! Even worse if he was allowed to join some friends of ours watching TV then having to do all of their laundry while they stay afterwards for dinner, a cookout or whatever.

    Just please keep on writing as you want Scarlet. I , for one, think you have it just write and everyone who reads this blog benefits from it.

  8. Does it?

    On Thu, 12 Dec 2019 at 09:10, Mistress Scarlet’s Blog wrote:

    > msscarlet9015 posted: “I know most of you do not read the comments on > posts on this blog so you would have missed exchanges I have been having > with a male who seems to read my blog intently and has done so for some > while? but does not think femdom healthy and contends I am coer” >

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