Submissives, What Not To Do!

Below is a comment I received on my Alternative Blog. I did not publish it. I have not revealed the name of the submissive.

It is quite a useful comment as it seems to include EVERYTHING a submissive SHOULD NOT DO, if they want their wife to become the dominant party in the relationship. I list those things.

  1. DO NOT use the emotional blackmail that your submissiveness MUST BE catered for by her.
  2. DO NOT use the financial blackmail that if your submissiveness is not catered for by her, you will regularly visit an expensive dominatrix.
  3. DO NOT set out all your favourite fantasies as your instructions for how you want to be dominated. Firstly they may horrify her and put her off forever, and secondly, she may otherwise have wanted to dominate you, but in different ways.
  4. DO NOT put yourself into extended bondage, as though that is a sacrifice for her, and then listen to music or podcasts so you do not get bored.
  5. DO NOT AMUBUSH HER with all of the above, immediately on her arrival home from A HARD DAY AT WORK.
  6. DO NOT instruct her to inspect all your housework looking for faults. Of itself, that activity can be a chore for her. Why should she, unless she wants to?
  7. DO NOT start a CFNM regime for yourself, which she may not like and her be so worried about your state of mind, she feels she has to ask you to put jeans on when anyone visits.
  8. When leading her to my alternative blog, DO NOT describe it as being, ‘..without a lot of the rubbish you get elsewhere on the web…’; which implies it still has some of the rubbish!

The number one key to success is having total empathy, not having zero empathy! Put yourself in her mind. What will she think? Will she be horrified by the fantasies you have been evolving over years? What will her fears be? Will she be tired or stressed at the time you are thinking of raising the issue? What is in it for her that she actually wants, not what you think she wants? ETC!


Hi Mistress Scarlet,
I thought I would report back on a real world example of a use of your new blog. First some history. I have been submissive my whole life. I am 55 years old. I have hid it more or less successfully but my wife of 30 years did know/suspect but not the details or the depth of my submissive side. There have been accidents such as a few months ago. When alone I dress as a maid and do the housework. Not a french maid, but a formal black and white knee length maid uniform. I normally wear tights but occasionally I wear holdups. I didn’t clear up properly (I have a dress up box in the attic) and a stocking was left on the floor beside a bed. When she came across it she asked where it had come from as she doesn’t wear holdups! I was busted. I decided to come clean and told her what I did and how it turned me on. She wasn’t happy but as long as she never encountered me in my maid role she could live with it. Indeed, just before Christmas we went to a fancy dress themed dinner dance. There was a lady dressed as a french maid and my wife commented that I should have come in my maids uniform! I was speechless, but she was definitely more at ease with it all.
Moving forward in time I read this blog and thought “no time like the present”. I know my wife and know she wouldn’t hurt a fly so getting any impact punishments from her would be a stretch. I went on line and bought a shock collar called the SmartDog from PetSafe. It has no controller. Instead you load an app onto a Smartphone and control the collar from that via Bluetooth. I then bought a cat collar and made a small collar that fits around my balls and nestles the contacts near my perineum. I tested the shocks and found I could tolerate up to 9, but 10-15 were very painful. I then put my planning into action. Last Thursday she was at work, but I was still on Christmas holiday. She would get home between 4 and 5:30, so after spending the day cleaning the house as the maid I put a letter near the door, and went upstairs and put myself in bondage, something I have done many times over the years with ice release systems. The letter said:
Hi Darling,
I am currently tied to the bed, gagged and blindfolded listening to music/podcasts. I’ve been there for some time. I will not know if your enter the room or not! I know that you could do without this when you get home after a hard day, but please read on and try to understand. To help you get your head around this, dinner is ready and the maid has been again today, so the house should be immaculate! Take a walk around and pick up any faults you can find. They may come into play later!

I have a submissive personality but I think that you know that already or at least suspect. I “get off” by being controlled and commanded. I’ve always been like this but manage to hide it to one degree or another most of the time. At this point, grab a cuppa (after all I’m going nowhere!) ,open my iPad (pin is ******) and read the webpage blog open in Safari. It is a great intro to what I am about without a lot of the rubbish you get elsewhere on the web. I came across this site a while ago. The author does explain the whole submissive thing very well.

============ Break to read the weblog ==============

OK, so you’ve now read her blog and now have a decision to make. If you come up and release me we’ll carry on as before but with the added knowledge that this is inside me and needs to come out every now and again. As mentioned in the website there are plenty of dominatrix who will provide these services, and I could use one of them. They charge upwards of £250 but it would mean you’d never need to deal with this again. If however you’re willing to give this a go then I’m ready, so read on and we can keep that cash. I’m banking on your Yorkshire genes here!

I want to serve you. I want you to channel your inner bitch. I know it’s in there as occasionally it shows itself when you’re pissed off with me about something! I want to do the chores that you hate, whatever they may be. It doesn’t matter if I like doing them or want to do them when you tell me to, I will do my best or suffer the consequences. I want as mean and bitchy as you can be when we are doing this. I want as little compassion as possible. Back to consequences…..

You don’t need to hit me with the carpet beater or cane (although I’d like that too, and I doubt you’d have too hard a stroke anyway!) I have a static shock device fitted to my balls. It’s already switched on and you already have the control app installed on your phone (proof I planned this)! If you look for the Smartdog app and open it. If it’s not connected click on “Connect” and it’ll connect via Bluetooth. Press the shock button (the yellow dots icon)to deliver a pulse to me. The level is adjustable from 1 to 15. I’ve tried it on all levels and find 1-4 hardly register, 5-10 are bearable and 11-15 are painful, so for real punishment! It’s your choice but give it a try. At the very least I’ll know your decision! You don’t even need to be in the room to use it but it’ll be interesting to find out the range. The beauty of this that even when we are out you can get me back into sub mode with a discrete push of a button on your phone if you think I need to do, or stop doing something. Again, it puts you in control.

I am also wearing a chastity device (since last night) and the keys for this, my handcuffs and the shock device are in the back of your car, in the rear drivers side door pocket. Please hide them somewhere I will never find them. That way the issue of my masturbating will never happen again! I want you to control when we have sex.

I’m happy to discuss this all with you but I promise you, you’ll have a loving, devoted and happy subbie hubbie whenever you choose.


I was tied in such a way that release was possible but very painful on my nipples as to obtain release would need result in a serious pull on a pair of cloverleaf nipple clamps. I lay there waiting for a long time, and I had started to worry. I then felt a zapp through my balls that made me yelp…..and then nothing. Later she came in and sat on the bed and after removing my gag (a pair of her used panties) we talked, although she left my blindfold on. As I thought she was not going to use canes or crops on me, despite my asking but the zapper (as she calls it) was a hit and she was willing to give it a try. She likes the idea of causing me pain without her needing to actually hit me! She agreed to be the boss as much as possible and we agreed what was a punishment and what was a sub session. Both would be enacted tied to the bed but the punishment session would have no music/podcast to relieve the boredom and would involve pain. I can report that yesterday I had my first punishment session. She went out and told me that when I’d finished my chores (yes she likes that part) I was to “assume the punishment position”. I repeated the bondage and waited….and waited and waited some more. I was bored and my 55 year old shoulders were cramping up causing me unwanted pain!! Eventually I heard her car reversing onto the drive (nothing in my ears to mask the sounds) and then nothing…..until I received 3 zaps in quick succession, which made me yelp. This elicited a laugh from downstairs! Then nothing again until she zapped me twice more then came up to the bedroom and zapped me again before sitting on the bed. What she did next surprised me. She left the blindfold on and quickly removed the nipple clamps causing me excruciating pain! She chuckled and then massaging and pinching my nipples said “do you prefer the nipple pain or the zapper?” She gave me two zaps and twisted the nipple again. I thanked her and said I preferred the zaps. She said OK then and gave me 3 more quick zaps! She then left me again for quite some time. My arms were cramping again and I was on the verge of asking for relief when she next came up and without saying anything more she did something ( I now realise she removed her jeans and knickers) and climbed on the bed and straddled my head. She said to “get to work” and gave me a zap to underline it. It didn’t take long for her to orgasm with periodic zaps to encourage my oral efforts. She then released me and we cuddled for a while before she gave me some more chores to do and told me to wash my face and brush my teeth! The punishment had lasted for 3 hours.
I’m now on day 4 of my chastity and I am incredibly horny! She just smiled when I said this earlier.
This response is far better than I could have hoped for and I am hopeful that, with time she will grow in her domination of me. I will keep you posted. I’ve already started CFNM, and where I don’t embarrass her I am naked, or in underpants and a t-shirt at most. It’s January and we live in an 18th century cottage, which can be very cold. My wife has accepted this but asked me to put jeans on when anyone visits.
Yours respectfully,
A very happy XXXXXXXXXXX


For info on my own BDSM manual, in several formats, click on an image below.


9 thoughts on “Submissives, What Not To Do!

  1. Seems like he’s doing all the leading. Just my humble observation.

    I hope it works out. But my own experience is trouble is coming.

    Good luck!

  2. I think a husband should pamper his wife as much as possible and try to control the frequency of his orgasms on his own without using a chastity device (as self chastity with a cage or tube may be counterproductive) so that his devotion towards her doesn’t fade away quickly. He should focus completely on her orgasms while forgetting his own during sex.
    Then when she has free time and is in a relaxed mood, he can directly or subtly tell her that he feels very submissive towards her and that he would like to make her life easier and happier by serving her without wanting anything in return. If she asks more, then he can tell more details based on her reaction and his knowledge of her, otherwise, he should keep worshipping her and make her used to the comfort while slowly and subtly telling her more about his fantasies (at a pace based on the feedback he receives from her) so as to not go too fast at it.
    He can also explain to her how his orgasms result in a decreased level of interest and devotion towards her and he likes being constantly horny. It would be better if his orgasms are moderated and he would only like to orgasm with her instead of masturbation, without telling her about chastity devices.
    He should tell these things in a way such that she becomes curious and want to know more about his internal desires and fantasies. After all this, all he can do is hope that she will want to know more and become interested in becoming a domme. If she really loves him, then she would most probably want to know more and try to entertain his interests.

    1. Spot on up until the bit where you begin telling her about your fantasies. I suggest just before that bit, invite her to read my alternative blog, that is what it is for. Then once she understands all about the mind of a submissive, you can wait for her to invite you to talk about some of your fantasises.

  3. Hi all,

    First time poster and recent follower.

    I apologize for being naive, but what are the general issues with self chastity? I completely understand in the case of the post where it has not been discussed or brought up with the sub’s Wife, it is completely unfair to trap her and put her in a box.

    However, my chastity is not enforced (for now), as she wants the opportunity to play with me freely and enjoys my erections and PiV sex. However, I have the freedom (again, for now) to lock myself up if I feel inclined to masturbate so I can save myself for her, and I’m more than happy to oblige. When I am caged, she doesn’t feel inclined to tease and deny, but merely is mildly amused and happy that I am saving myself for her, particularly when she goes on trips and I’m home alone for a couple days/week. Even when She is home, She makes me take it off before bed and gets concerned when I have it on for more than a 5 hours.

    I REALLY enjoy it, particularly with a butt plug in – I feel it enhances my submissiveness to her. That said, I fully recognized that my temporary situation cannot be compared to permanent chastity, but it’s a start.

    it’s very early in our D/s days as there are no formal agreements. In a case like this, is self chastity more help or harm?


    1. There is absolutely nothing wrong at all with your current regime. It works for you, (I think), and it works for her. As it works for you and for her, I cannot see how it is harmful. It does seem helpful.

      I think an issue that often gets raised by submissives, which may have prompted your comment, is that the Domme should be doing the locking up and key-holding and deciding when unlocking occurs, or the control is not real. And if the control is not real, the sub does not feel controlled and so does not get the feelings they crave.

      I do notice you have written, ‘….. my chastity is not enforced (for now),’ and ‘…I have the freedom (again, for now)..‘ and ‘….. that my temporary situation‘ Why have you formed the opinion your current chastity regime is temporary if it is working? Perhaps you also see that it is not giving you the feelings you crave? Your references to the temporary nature of the regime seem at odds with you saying it is working for you and your wife.

      Out of interest, when you lock yourself up, what happens to the key?

      For women who are still unsure they want to actually truly take control, (rather than continue to just play a domination game), taking control of the keys and choosing when the cage should be unlocked, WITHOUT GIVING IN TO THE DESPERATE MALE’S WISHES, is a massive step! It is a huge thing. Not a usual first step into dominance. Regarding your wife wanting you free so often, and her giving her ‘reasons’ for that. The reasons may actually be excuses to keep her from having to commit to truly taking control. I may be wrong of course.

      Perhaps you should show her my alterative blog, that would lead her to the first steps section, steps much, much lower than the massive leap to chastity control with a physical device. If you do so, please let me know how she responds. (I need feedback on that blog.) But I may be wrong altogether of course. I cannot be an expert on other people and their relationships. Each person and relationship is unique.

      1. Hi Mistress Scarlet,

        Thank you for your kind response and encouraging words. You are right in suggesting that given i have a lot of control over my chastity that it doesn’t provide ALL the feelings i crave, although I am still happy with it. I classify my chastity as temporary given the slow pace that she wants to move at, which is due to my own transgressions that i am not comfortable sharing publicly. Unfortunately, I do not believe she is ready to read the alternative blog yet, it will be sometime. We are strengthening the foundation of our relationship before we do major construction on the house. As such, its more focused on love and we are slowly introducing in various D/s elements. There’s a very fine line between advancing the ball and going too far, and to date i have struggled straddling that line or staying in bounds (apologies for all the sports cliches). In terms of willingness to take control, i agree that she is likely not there yet.

        That said, we are only in our 30s so there is plenty of time for this to evolve. It is soooooo hard (no pun intended) to not push the envelope further and be patient, but i am trying my best. I would add when we were at a sex store last month she mentioned she wanted me to upgrade my cheap silicone cage for one that was on display (CB6000), saying she wants me to be comfortable. I told her i was more than happy to do that, but given the cost (she had no idea) and how frequently she cages me i’d prefer to allocate our spending towards other things (we are not flush with cash) but would happily do so if she wanted to cage me more frequently. In hindsight, this was probably not a smart comment…

        When caged, we each have a key. If she is not there, i need to have the key to actually open the lock and get myself in. However, i usually keep it on until she gets home that night and (at my suggestion) we have established that she is the one to do the unlocking process, although i physically remove the device. i do keep it on until she tells me to take it off.

        Hope this helps.

  4. I think waiting to serve’s comment is right on point. Whoever send Ms Scarlet the letter is trying to be a Dom and make his wife the submissive. By that I mean he is trying to have his wife satisfy his desires only, with apparent no concern for the type of relationship she would like.
    A man sharing his desires and fantasies of domination and submission is wonderful as long as she is not scared off by them. But it absolutely must be the woman’s decision to experiment with or move to a true FLR. And if she does desire to be a Domme, it must be entirely up to her as to what that relationship will involve and how submissive a partner she wants. Anything short of that will only lead to frustration and disappointment for both the woman and man.

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