The easy, ultimate source of power

A commenter quoted a sentence of a previous post of mine and then commented, as follow;

My sentence: “I have recently given him the choice, domination my way, or I am happy to stop dominating him altogether. As I knew he would do, he chose my domination.” The commenters comment: I think this is the most fantastic and terrifying thing You have ever written! I’d love to read more about it if You feel there is a blog post in there?

I do think this topic is worthy of a blog post because I hope embryonic dominant women, or unfulfilling wives and girlfriends of submissive men, read this post, and it might help them get to where they need to be.

I have been researching the minds of submissive males for over a decade. Probably over a hundred submissive males, in addition to my own puppet, through intimate Q&A sessions. The most important element I established was, a linked pair of phenomenon. Firstly, simply through logic and reasoning while looking at the facts, meant I had to reject every single explanation I had ever read as to what was at the core of submissive males, and secondly, that left me with what WAS at the core of submissive males.

What is at the core of submissive males is the definition I set out in my previous post. Submissive males have a craving above all else for: A life of being helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel, dominant woman.

As I began to experiment with my own dominance and pitiless cruelty, and found pleasure in these things, I evolved and moved forward in these areas until, perhaps only 18 months ago, (I wasted so many years!), I reached the point when my puppet no longer hinted he needed me to be more pitilessly cruel or more dominant, those two boxes were PROPERLY ticked! That left ticking the box, helplessly in the power of. So many submissive males contrive all sorts of fantasy scenarios to tick this box. Being blackmailed with no way out. Being financially trapped. Being sickly ill and helplessly in the power of a dominant nurse. Being in a prison run by sadistic female warders, etc. I thought about the whole issue and landed on the associated key fact.

The number of submissive males exceeds, perhaps by more than 100 to 1, the supply of dominant women able to tick the two boxes of pitiless cruelty and dominance. So the source of my power, my absolute power, was simply; the submissive craving of my puppet. I gave him a choice. Accept my dominance my way, allowing me the power to do whatever I wanted to do with him and to him, OR, there would be no domination at all. He knew what he craved and could not do without, so he chose to accept my dominance, my way. So the third and last of the boxes, him being helplessly in the power of, is ticked.

He now has the life he craved for. A life of being helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel, dominant woman. And together we have perfect symbiosis. He hates a great deal of what he endures at the time he endures it, and hates his chastity and denial regime constantly, but he can fall asleep every night contented, safe and secure that his life’s craving is met. And he cannot help himself but be in awe of me and to worship me.

There was an extra matter that assisted me, but I do not for one moment believe it is essential. But in my case, I further skewed the supply and demand issue in my favour because I am so much younger than him and I keep my body in a very good shape. (Well, HIS favourite female body shape anyway.)

A body just like mine although I have slightly smaller breasts.
Me outdoorrs on a sunny day.

So to help him make his choice, I not only pointed out the difficulty he would have with finding and attracting a woman who was as pitilessly cruel and as dominant as me, but also, as comparatively young and beautiful. He is a very intelligent and wise man with excellent judgement. He could only choose the choice he has made.


Relevant pages of my Alternative Blog. PAGE 1. PAGE 2.



The Guide is intended for those with little or no experience.

The purpose  of the guide is to follow on from the content of this blog.

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The First Review

5.0 out of 5 stars   A must read for every any women wanting to start a FLR.

Reviewed in the United States on February 20, 2020Verified PurchaseOr any submissive man wanting to give their wife guide to help them get a good start. Ms. Scarlet knows what submissive men want and need and how women can use that knowledge to create a symbiotic relationship that is off the scales. It’s the best $5 you’ll ever spend. Highly recommended.

Another Review

Hi Scarlet,
A month ago, i bought your ‘Beginners Guide’ on amazon.

It is unbelievably good. I have been trying for almost a decade to convince my wife to be my mistress, with little success.(i now understand, it was because of my expectations) Since i have read your ‘Beginners Guide’, i learned that i did everything wrong, while i was trying to teach my wife how to be a mistress.

Now that my wife has read just the first section of your ‘Beginners Guide’ and is experimenting with it, she is really, really enjoying the dominance. The big change is that she can get into this new dynamic in our relationship at her on pace.

We are only a few weeks in so far with some DS time and mostly Vanilla time, but i am already scared of what she is going to do to me in the future, because her eyes tell me that she really likes this new dynamic now.

I would like to say a lot more, but my English is not good enough to explain everything i want to say.

So thank you very much for writing this book.

23 thoughts on “The easy, ultimate source of power

  1. Thank you so much for writing this post. Whilst i love hearing about the “things” You do to bitchboy, this blog post speaks to my soul. i am so pleased i commented on Your previous post as i have now ticked off a lifetime ambition – i have been quoted by You on Your blog!!

    i love that You have interviewed 100 or so submissive males. if You ever wish to make that 101 i beg You to interview me!

  2. Great post. You mention at the beginning that at some point roughly 18 months ago you noticed BB stop hinting for more dominance and more pitilessness. That those two boxes of his were ticked. Can you explain a little about this change? Is this a change due to BB’s attitude/cravings changing, him settling? If you believe it’s from a change in yourself would you be willing to elaborate on what changed both physically and mentally for you that allowed for you to essentially become more dominant and have less or no pity for BB. What do you think was holding you back so to speak before?

  3. This is really true in submissive men we have many fantasies, and for me the one that always drives me “crazy” just imagining it would be being tied up inside a closet, or in a box.
    I think a Mistress who locks her subs in a closet and goes out to have fun, so cruel, even more than sending him to work cleaning the house or doing something else, less than a human a mere object.
    Mistress Scarlet, do you usually apply this kind of punishment to your slave? leave him tied up for long hours or stuck somewhere?

  4. “A life of being helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel, dominant woman.” Is there a qualifier that the woman must not be abusive? If someone just wanted to injure him (say) cruelly and pitilessly, would that not meet your definition? I get the gist of what you are saying but wonder if there is affection or caring or at least concern for his mental health in there somewhere to make it (as you said) symbiotic. Maybe that is where the 3rd word (dominant, vs abusive?) comes in? Fantasies aside, if he is addicted to this and bound by having no one else who can give him the domination he craves, how do you avoid this absolute power becoming abusive? Where is the line? Would he ever draw it? Do you? Just trying to understand the thought process underlying this…

    1. Thank you for your comment which raises a risk that is important; probably more important psychologically for the Domme, than a problem in reality with 99.99% percent of Domme/sub relationships. I will soon be publishing a blog post on my current levels of meanness and I will incorporate your comment, and this issue in that post. In the mean time, one difficult matter is defining ‘abusive’, which means different things to different people. Can you define what it means to you please? Perhaps with examples. Can you define what ‘injure him’ means to you.
      One extra problem in this area is something I am very sure on, condemning a submissive to never having his need met, to live feeling helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel dominant, is of itself abusive; psychologically abusive. So the whole thing is quite an issue, certainly in theory, although to my knowledge, very rarely in practice.

  5. I am constantly looking for ways to make sense out of the conflicting desires I have as a submissive. Therefore I am very happy about your post and your research work, since it really always brings some more wisdom or all of us.

    So let me shout out a big: THANK YOU!

    I somehow do not like it, when you say ” I not only pointed out the difficulty he would have with finding and attracting a woman who was as pitilessly cruel and as dominant as me, but also, as comparatively young and beautiful.”. I thought about it and came to the conclusion, that this perspective somehow seems to diminish the value of the dominant partner. And there is no need for this to happen. Please let me explain:

    This expression makes it sound as if a relationship of love between two partners is nothing else but a “bargain” between two parties. I know that this perspective exists and is independent from any BDSM background. I really hope that you do not have decided to take that perspective for yourself. You would diminish yourself as a person so much that way. Because suddenly your power results from “being a great deal for your partner, when you add up all your attributes”. I think things could not be more far away from the truth than this.

    I think your submissive is bound to you, because you are who you are. You are unique. He will never find anyone like you, since there is only one version of you on this planet. Even if he won 100 Mio. EUR in the lottery, massively increasing his chances to decrease “the difficulty he would have with finding and attracting a woman who was as pitilessly cruel and as dominant as [you]”, I am 100% sure your submissive would NEVER leave you. Because you are who you are and you are unique.

    Its like a key and a lock. You found each other and it clicked. No other key will open the lock to this bond. Regardless how much the value of the lock increased.

    Thinking of things as a bargain is also very diminishing to the value of your submissive. I am sure he did not chose you simply because given his age, weight, height, muscle mass, optical attractiveness, intelligence, power in the world, financial standing, etc. would not allow him a “better deal”. No.

    The both of you found each other and it clicked.

    Any submissive asking himself if he is “helplessly in the power of” his dominant partner, can answer this question very easily by asking themselves the question of “Could I imagine that any change of any attributes of mine would make me select a different dominant partner?”. If the answer to this is something like “yes, if I would be younger, more fit, more beautiful and much richer” … then this submissive should be ashamed that he continues the relationship with someone who is not “the one” for him. This is not limited to D/s relationships by the way. I think anyone who selected their partner on a basis of “she/he was the best deal I could get, but I of course crave better” should be ashamed! That person then obviously is just wasting the time of their partner, keeping that partner from finding the person where things click.

    So, I think true “helplessness” comes from the fact that there truly is NO HELP on this planet that one could get that would make the submissive abandon their dominant. That there truly is nothing that the submissive could get through even massive forms of luck that would make them leave their dominant partner and go for another partner.

    I have the feeling that you might wanted to express the perspective I described and things maybe were formulated a bit ambiguous sounding to picky ears like mine.

    So to summarize: ticking the box of being helpless in the hands of “a” dominant woman comes from realizing that what one truly wants is to be “helplessly in the hands of the unique woman who seals the eternal bond between them”.

    To clarify my personal perspective:
    I could never leave my Madame. Regardless of what personal attribute “upgrades” life would offer me. She is unique. I will never ever find someone like her again. I truly and honestly put everything I am and everything I have and everything I ever will be in her hands. I am 100% devoted to her. I trust that she knows whats best for the two of us. If she would decide tomorrow that we should leave Germany, live in Australia from now on, with me having a sex change and working as a waitress from now on, then I would not hesitate doing that, since I know that she is the one and she is my purpose in life. I am there for her. I think of myself as an extension of her, like a third arm. There will never be any other woman who could take her place. She is unique, I am hers. Forever and regardless of what she will do to me. She knows best.

    1. Despite your ‘picky ears’, we are saying the same thing.
      In no way at all does my, ‘….expression make it sound as if a relationship is nothing else but a “bargain” between two parties.’ I have no idea how you come to this conclusion and you do not explain this word bargain.
      We are saying EXACTLY the same thing, except, while you simply say your Mistress is unique for you, I am pointing out to bitch-boy some of my attributes that make me unique for him.
      And while you say, ‘… I am hers. Forever and regardless of what she will do to me. She knows best…..’ , by bitch-boy choosing domination my way he is also saying he is mine. Forever and regardless of what I will do to him. That I know best…. It is exactly the same thing.
      We are saying exactly the same things, except, you have failed to try to think of WHY you and she ‘click’, of WHY she is ‘awesome’. What I have done is go further yhan you in the analysis and examined some of the reasons WHY bitch-boy and I click, why he considers me awesome, why he considers me unique. You should have a go at examining WHY you and she ‘click’, why she is ‘awesome’. See what attributes of hers you come up with. There are reasons why 2 people click and and perfect for each other.
      And, of course, you totally miss the point that I was identifying certain things because I was verbally subjugating him to me by pointing out some of these things, by ramming them home to him, it wasn’t just an academic exercise, it was also a psychological subjugation of him.
      And finally you miss the key point. He wasn’t choosing whether we should be together or not, that is a given. He was choosing whether to give me free reign to do whatever I want with him or to have no domination. I was leaving him no option, thus pointing out he was helpless. No bargain, no diminishing of myself, all exactly the same as your relationship, except my analysis goes deeper than yours. My analysis goes into the, ‘why’. And even then I only touched on a couple of symbolically powerful things he would instantly concur with.

  6. Dear Ms. Scarlet,
    Your definition of what is the core desire of a submissive male, a life of being helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel, dominant woman, makes me wonder whether I am truly submissive or whether there may be submissive males with different core desires. I have had submissive feelings from a young age. However, I would not want to undergo most of the trials and tribulations described by you with respect to your relationship with bitch boy or in other descriptions I have read on your blog. My feelings of helplessness almost always arise from my Goddess’s ability to produce sexual arousal in me and then taunt and tease me about how I will not be getting relief. This reaction seems similar to what you describe when bb is pleading with all his heart for relief from your teasing. Like him, sometimes I am reduced to tears. At those times, I do feel helpless. And while I would be intrigued by exploring some degree of physical punishment, I would not be excited by or willing to submit to some of the more extreme (extreme for me) measures you and your readers employ. This may be because my Goddess is not interested in extending her dominance in this way. I might submit if she was so inclined. Anyway, I just thought I would respectfully ask if you have any opinion regarding whether my feelings represent a variant or just an undeveloped femdom relationship. Does your definition of what is at the core of a submissive mind depend on a dom who receives sexual satisfaction from inflicting pain, humiliation, etc? Does she have to be a sadist? Thank you.

    1. You are confusing two different things. One is, ‘that you are a submissive,‘ and the other is, ‘hard limits‘.
      Your description of your reaction to your Goddess’s treatment of you absolutely confirms you are addicted to being helplessly in the power of a pitiless cruel woman. You accept you are helpless, (unless you would consider leaving your Goddess because of her cruelty but I am guessing you never would). Indeed you put her on a pedestal because of her pitiless cruelty, and she is being pitilessly cruel. You also mention, ‘being ‘intrigued’ by exploring some degree of physical punishment, so although you are ‘shy’, by using the word ‘intrigued’, the reality is you actually would like even more cruel treatment from your Goddess.

      A completely different topic is, ‘hard limits‘. A submissive has a hard limit on an activity when they imagine that activity and know it would not make them feel submissive were it applied to them. bitch-boy has some hard limits. As I have written before, some dominants have particular activities they wish to indulge in, and if their submissive who would not feel submissive undergoing these activities, the submissive has 3 options, split from the dominant, or undergo the activities, or persuade the dominant to do some other activities instead. Because there are so many hundreds of activities available to a dominant, a compromise is usually reached.

      So we have ‘submissiveness’ and we have ‘hard limits’. As always in life, there are a couple of complications. The first is; ‘habituation’. In a long term DS relationship, what is done regularly and seemed ‘extreme’ a year ago loses its intensity for both partners. So a step change happens and this sometimes causes a submissive to shift their hard limits too. What would have stopped them feeling submissive a year ago, makes them feel submissive today. So things get more ‘extreme’ which both partners need.

      Finally there is the phenomenon of a submissive actually being deeply affected, precisely because their Mistress is making them endure what they thought was a hard limit, but it turns out it isn’t after all. A high risk strategy for a dominant that often does not work out, but as it is an extra cruel thing to do, it most deeply affects the submissive who is subjected to it.

      So rest assured you are a submissive, but like all submissives, you have hard limits.

      One caveat to habituation, relates to tease and denial. Because of biology, a male craves orgasm when subjected to prolonged sexual teasing, especially physical teasing. They can and will never get habituated to this because of biology. And it is therefore extremely cruel; which means the dominant may never get habituated to it either, because it is so cruel.

      1. Thank you for your incisive response to my query. What you say makes sense especially when I remember how my Goddess used to reward my submissive behavior with orgasms and how she now she completely ignores my needs or even amplifies them no matter much I cater to her. The elimination of what I might have considered a hard limit, that is, the elimination of mutual intimacy, certainly represents progression of my submissiveness. I do find myself on my knees more often without being ordered there. I am further down the road to my Goddess’s stated goal for me: abject slavery.

  7. ‘A life of being helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel, dominant woman’

    This describes me, though I think it might not describe other subs. Your sub sounds like a masochist and I am one too but I don’t think every submissive desires cruelty and malice like we do.

    I would also add that it is ideally a woman whom he already finds attractive (and thus already feels small beside).

    Finally I think fear is at the base of a masochists sexuality and I wonder what your opinion on that is. The desire for helplessness, for pain, for suffering, for having no say in their lives… That all seems intimately linked with fear.

    1. Thank you for your comments as I like to have my theories tested all the time. There is always something to learn.
      I come from a scientific background and on that basis, my thoughts are:
      You do not justify your statement with evidence that while my definition describes you, it might not describe other subs, so I am not persuaded to change my position on that, having done so much research with so many submissives over so many years.

      The same applies to your comment, …. it is ideally a woman whom he already finds attractive (and thus already feels small beside)…. What is your evidence for this? And I hope by attractive, you don’t mean physically attractive, because 100% of the evidence I have gathered suggests a submissive would pick a plain but dominant woman, over a beautiful vanilla woman, without a moment’s hesitation every single time. I agree the physical attractiveness of the Mistress can play quite a big role if she is particularly attractive because some extra dynamics are available, like visual tease and denial, like telling him he is out of her league and he is lucky just to be with her, but beauty is totally unnecessary for a successful DS relationship and many submissives totally ignore physical attractiveness as of relevance to them when confronted with a dominant woman, especially a pitiless and cruel dominant woman.

      Obviously I know bitch-boy better than you, and I can confirm he absolutely is not a masochist. Are you clear on the definition of masochist? The ill informed psychoanalysts that have got involved in BDSM have stupidly conflated the terms masochist and submissive.The commonly accepted definition of masochist began as: The derivation of sexual gratification from being subjected to physical pain or humiliation by oneself or another person.

      Having pain inflicted on bitch-boy does affect him deeply but only because, as a submissive, it is rock-solid evidence that he is helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel dominant woman. This includes the mental pain of humiliation and orgasm denial.

      I do agree that fear is VERY affecting for submissives, but again my evidence suggests that is because, if a submissive is in a state of fear because of his Mistress, over something that is to happen, or generally 24/7, that fear is rock-solid evidence that he is helplessly in the power of a pitiless, cruel dominant woman.

      Thank you again.

      1. I think your reply made me realise how well considered your definition is.

        It really does feel like you’ve found a link that ties everything a submissive needs into a single desire.

        What I should have (more clearly) said about attractiveness is that it compounds the pleasure rather than it being a requirement. That is what I meant by using ‘ideally’.

        The distinction between someone who gets pleasure from pain and humiliation itself as opposed to someone who gets pleasure from those things due them being agents of a woman’s dominance is a sharp insight.

        I’ve often been in a position of trying to explain to a dominant woman who isn’t that experienced that I want her to do what *she* wants to do only to be met with understandable confusion, lol. Next time I will just link your post.

        It is really gratifying to read the blog of a domme who understands submissives. In the sea of online material, every once in a while I come across a domme who just seems to *get it* and I can tell almost right away. But I’ve always assumed it was natural, that it couldn’t be taught.

        Thabk you for the detailed response. I’ve intermittently read your blog for what has to be close to half a decade. As I grow older and look for more long term relationships, your insights about what that looks like are invaluable.

        1. Thank you for the kind words. My definition of the paramount need of a submissive came about after a lot of testing and honing.
          You may not have realised that I have produced, with others’ help, my Alternative Blog, designed with the sole purpose of explaining to VERY vanilla women what a submssive is all about and the amazing long term enduring symbiotic relationship that can develop following a woman first experimenting with real dominance and then adopting it.
          I would point you in the direction of THIS PAGE, and THIS PAGE, if you want a woman to understand.

  8. Dear Ms Scarlet,

    I was interested in your quoting that male subs outnumbered Dommes by 100:1 – I have always understood the figure to be similar too. Some years ago I remember watching a TV documentary that suggested one in ten women identified as being into BDSM in some way, and of these women, one in ten again identified as dominant. Obviously that doesn’t quantify the number of males, or account for sexual orientation, but one per hundred women being in any way Domme seems close enough to your figure. I don’t remember any source being named for these figures, so I had always assumed it went back to the Kinsey report.

    About six months ago though, I was watching the UK Channel 4 program “Naked Attraction” (I know, I know… I can’t help it, it’s fascinating). Non-viewers won’t know that they intersperse the dating elements with little facts and snippets about our current sexual mores. These usually seem up-to-date and well informed. So, I was very surprised when they blithely dropped in that over half of women “identify as dominant in the bedroom”. That’s pretty loose terminology, and again I couldn’t see a source quoted, but it seemed very different to my earlier assumption.

    I certainly don’t want to undermine your ultimate authority over BB, but on the other hand I would love to believe there could be so many other women moving towards this sort of dynamic. Patriarchy – schmatriarchy!

    I wonder if any of your other readers know more about the numbers?

    Kind regards,

    1. I think there is a shift increasing the ratio of dominant women which is fantastic, but one easy sampling method is looking on a BDSM contact site or Fetlife say, and count up for a given region or country, the number of dominant women looking for a long term partner and the number of submissive men looking for a long term partner, (pro-dommes have to be excluded), the last time I had bitch-by do this, probably 10 years ago, it came out remarkably close to a ration of 1 to 100. I wonder if that has changed but is it even a useful sampling method?
      I guess the bottom line is even if the ratio had halved in ten years which I doubt, that still would mean each domme woman has 50 sub males from which to choose one, so the power of our rarity would be wholly maintained!

      1. That seems like a very good way to get an indication of the ratios. I am not on any contact sites (a bit behind with social media!) It had not occurred to me as a way to check. Ah well. We live in hope.

        It sounds like the odds will be “forever in your favour”! Just as they should be!

        All the best,

  9. Mistress Scarlet, You are absolutely correct! (in everything!!) Mistress NEVER says “please” or “thank you” to a slave. In the first place, that sort of language implies that the speaker owes something to the one addressed: “I am obliged to you for…” and that will never do. In the M/s relationship, the slave owes the Mistress for everything, including its very existence; Mistress doesn’t owe anything (on the surface, that is; in truth She is obligated to care for, control and direct Her slave’s every minute) — She OWNS the slave.
    However, Mistress CAN reward Her slave. Rewarding with words, She can say something like “Good job, boy,” (as one would to a dog, and even pat his head) or “I am pleased with your work, slave” — and perhaps allow it the privilege, say, of kissing Her hand (where usually the slave is only allowed to lock Her boot). Other rewards can be a treat like a piece of candy (tossed on the floor for the slave to kneel and gobble like an animal)
    The reward must always be consistent with the difference in social position between the Owner and Her chattel possession: an edible treat dropped on the floor, an opportunity to worship the Goddess who runs the slave’s world, or to show its groveling and inco9nditionable love for Her. Nothing that obligates or inconveniences the Mistress. If She is especially pleased, and not offended by the idea, the ultimate reward may be to permit Her male slave to kneel between Her knees and provide Her with the pleasure of cunnilingus (with or without a whip to control the performance, as She may lease). The slave, of course, “will have the last word” in such an exchange. That word, as always, is “Thank You, Mistress.” This is the response to anything Mistress does to or for Her slave; the inferior is grateful for even a glance from its Goddess.
    ………………………………………………as this slave is grateful to You, Mistress Scarlet, for the privilege of contributing to Your beautiful and fantastically important blog.

    1. The Mistress is NOT obligated to care for, control and direct Her slave’s

        every minute

      That would be exhausting!

      I would never reward a slave for doing something with a positive word. The most I will say is, ‘adequate.
      I do like the idea of a reward being degrading while being a reward. Licking boots, a piece of candy (tossed on the floor for the slave to kneel and gobble like an animal), although I would prefer a grape that I squash under my sole before it is eaten from the floor.

      Yes I agree completely, always a thank you, including thank you after a punishment.

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