I know I am tilting at windmills here, and covering old ground. I apologise, but is there nothing that can be done about submissive males simultaneously despairing about how few dominant women there are compared to submissive men, while posting and sharing images that contribute to keeping the number of dominant women as low as it is.
Somehow the concept of Female Led Relationships, (FLR), needs to be seen as totally separate from, and completely different to, Femdom Porn. ‘Relationship’ being the key word. I will explain:
99% of vanilla women, (possibly even ‘curious’ vanilla women), do not want to wear thigh high boots, PVC or rubber, corsets, or shoes with heels more than four inches high that do not have a platform sole. These women do not want to visit a dungeon, they don’t want to use a bull-whip, they don’t want to use needles or electrics, or have a dungeon in their house. They probably don’t like the thought of their male dressed as a maid or other female character. They also do not think women are born to rule and men are born to serve. They all know at least one woman who you would not want or trust to rule a pet hamster, let alone rule another human being; and they probably now some amazing men. They do want to know that if they did end up as the dominant partner, their male would not be weak and submissive in the vanilla times with any problems they face as a family. (I wish sub men would stop posting their memes like ‘women were born to lead, men are born to follow.’ I understand sub men truly feel this, BUT non-submissive men think its mental, as do vanilla women! It is not the case, stop writing it! I guess it would be fine to post, ‘Women are born to lead submissive males, who will worship and protect them.’) Also, 99% of vanilla women do not look like supermodels. It does not help that so many dominatrices do.
My ranting point is that the output of the profit based femdom industry which includes dominatrices and photo and video makers, is almost all, very likely to put off vanilla women from trying dominance, even ‘curious’ ones. I do not want to criticise these industries though as they do play an important role. My criticism is how the same sub males that are despairing about how few dominant women there are, of how they can’t tempt their wife or girlfriend to try it, post and share these images and videos that put off vanilla women from having a try.
In my BDSMLR site, I do try to include many, many images of domestic FLR. I do also have a few images of dominatrices in action because I adore the featured activity in which they are partaking. But then I am not a submissive male despairing about how few dominant women there are, and my BDSMLR site is not intended to attract vanilla women to try dominance. It is simply for my pleasure. I have, with help from a few others, put together my Alternative Blog and my Manual for Beginners for the purpose of attracting vanilla women to try dominance. And produced pages on this blog as advice to sub husbands and boyfriends.
I guess I am wondering if there could be, whenever people are labelling images or videos, or writing on the internet, a clear distinction between FLR and femdom porn.
One of my favourite genres of image on BDSMLR is the ‘while doing something else’ activity. It epitomises REAL FLR. The male is at his chores, or tethered somewhere, or performing shoe worship or cunnilingus say. And the wife/girlfriend, almost certainly dressed in vanilla-ish clothes, is watching TV, or on the phone, or reading, or sunbathing. While doing something else activity plays a big part in a FLR. Once a vanilla woman has had a try at real domination and experiences her first REAL power-rush, things can move quickly to bullwhips and cages and all the other femdom porn paraphernalia, but we have to get them to make that first step.
I dream of there being two very distinct Femdom internet genre; Femdom porn and FLR material.
So I will now step down from my soapbox and I apologise for my rant on an unrealistic dream.
Mistress Scarlet's Blog 
how very true – thank you
In our WLM my wife wears what she wants and feels comfortable in. No pvc, high boots, etc like you mentioned. I will be cleaning the house or ironing and she will be reading, watching tv or on her computer. I know what I am expected to do and do it without her having to stand over me with a whip.
When she wants to lounge on a float in our pool, I must stand next to her in the pool with a large umbrella and keep the sun off her. She will ignore me the whole time. She will drift around the pool and I must always keep up with her and keep her shaded. During this time, which is usually one or two hours, she will read or relax with a glass of wine and maybe nap. Very vanilla, she expects me to keep her under the umbrella and I do, again without threats. My arms get tired but I know I am never allowed to complain. That would upset her and lead to some punishments for me.
That sounds like a glorious, wonderful FLR! I am full of questions and a little confusion though.
From a Dommes point of view I can confirm, taking a nap while your sub toils for your comfort does not feel vanilla! Why have you writen it is?
What about sexual satisfaction? Yours and hers?
What would punishments entail?
It needed to be said and I think you have hit the nail 100% on the head.
I will also mention that there are plenty of unrealistic portraits of what a successful vanilla relationship should be…
I am no expert, but I guess that a successful vanilla relationship, in which the man is happy to share domestic chores such as laundry/ironing/cooking/washing up/cleaning etc etc because they need to be done anyway, and one partner can’t do everything, can develop an FLD dimension much more easily, perhaps even ‘effortlessly’?
Good point. I think though (A) the male needs to be a natural submissive and most are not, and (B) the woman needs to be introduced to and want to try domination.
Very thoughtful of you to post this. Thank you.
My wife is 99.44% vanilla. Most of the blogs on the topic of FLR/WLM would completely turn her off from the topic, immediately and permanently. But ours is an FLR / WLM. Sans any kinkiness (other than that she is in complete control).
Have you thought about showing her some highly selected paragraphs from all those on my alternative blog? She is after all I think missing out on all she could have.
If I thought for a moment that she would want to see them, I would share them in a heartbeat. I enjoy kink.
Sites with any nudity turn her off. And while her interest in sex is strong, she has no interest in the topic at all outside of sex between her and me, so other people’s stories turn her off.
I’m not complaining about her tastes (lack of kink, etc.) in the slightest. I have learned to respect her completely. Whatever she chooses is the correct choice.
I have shared a few e-books with her, including the Real Women Don’t Do Housework, for example. But they’re “tasteful” enough that it doesn’t turn her off. Also, as a result of that book I guess, I now lovingly and appreciatively do all of the housework that she doesn’t want to do herself. It is weird to realize how normal it has become; I’ve only been doing the housework for a few years, but I can’t even imagine ever not having done it.
I know that this lifestyle isn’t common, but I’m glad we found it.
I am getting the ipression you have never looked at my alternative website? LINK 1. LINK 2.
I am a sub and met a few dominant women but never had the chance to have a viable relationship with a dominant woman. I actually agree with what you wrote BUT for me it is sexual and I put that out there up front. I am not looking for anything nearly as extreme as what you have with your sub. I am in between kink and vanilla. Vanilla isn’t enough for me and the fin doms or pros, simpering slave type language, etc is way too much for me yet I have not been able to find the right woman. Yes, probably I am to blame for some of it but I don’t see the numbers out there of dominant women and this is after 30 years of looking.
FLR for me is also too lite. I need some actual D/s but not much.
I do not understand what your point is.
You seem a little confused, or I am anyway? You say FLR for you is too light, but you also say my FLR is much too extreme. So which is it?
You seem to have missed my words that there are about 100 submissive males for each dominant woman, so I fear such a woman to meet your exacting specification? probably will never happen Dominant women have their own specification and have lots of submissive males to choose from.
What a pleasure to read such an intelligent statement! It was high time someone made clear that there is also a FLR-style with class, brains and style that doesn’t need a megaphone to be enjoyable.
Bravo Mistress Scarlett, Bravo to You.
For too long, this has been allowed to exist and this toxic brainwashing must cease.
If every sub-male slave were held to the same standards of photographic beauty that Women are, 99.5% of them would be eliminated on looks alone. The same applies to the old patriarchal standard of wealth and power.
Simply put, men fail miserably when the shoe is on the other foot.
This slave is compelled to agree with You over the disparity of websites offering Femdom porn/FLR. This slave ponders one reason for this, is that Women prefer their privacy once an FLR commences to avoid criticism and ostraciziation from the outside patriarchal world.
The good news is FLR is slowly populating the web so Women, as well as sub-males can be properly educated to to the different types and levels of an FLR.
Thank You for allowing it’s comments Mistress Scarlet.
I think you are right that one big reason there is so little video/still images of FLR is fur privacy reasons.
I think another big one is low motivation. People in a good FLR have everything they want. They don’t need to post images online. Whereas the femdom industry is highly motivated because exposure equals profits. I think my rant was about sub males wanting more women to be dominant but then reblogging almost exclusively images of profit making femdom that put off women from trying domination.
Your final point is spot on Mistress Scarlet. When that stunt is done by a male, it is really more an instance of topping from the bottom and exploiting the very things it purportedly claims to seek.
Intentional? Perhaps.
Misguided? Likely.
Foolish? without question.
This slave feels many Women sense and see that immediately and quickly move on.
I am unsure as to what you refer when you write, ‘that stunt’?
Please forgive it’s vagueness Mistress Scarlet. What it means is the fact males are reblogging and exploiting Women in hopes as a way to encourage more Women to be dominant.
It is a stunt Mistress Scarlet, akin to the silly actions of a clown at a circus Ma’am.
Lewis Hamilton’s pink balaclava at the Belgium Grand Prix this weekend is interesting. It looks very sissy. Even has a big red ball on the mouth area that looks suspiciously like a ball-gag or even a bottle bottom. Am I just seeing this?
I would love to hear an explanation for that!
Ms Scarlet, I thought you might like to see this. No whips or leather in sight. Just some plain old role reversal and dominance. There’s an underlying message about reproductive rights which may or may not be of interest. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yyeTE80BFjE
I do like the imagery. Although I would love it, I am always very unsure about a matriarchy replacing a patriarchy. The reality is there are a good number of competent males who are good at what they do and a good number of women who are incompetent. More to the point, focus should be on getting all naturally submissive males under the control of a woman. That is actually feasible. I did expand on this issue in my post of 28 August. As I wrote at the beginning though. I loved the imagery and if one thinks ALL the males in the vid are actually natural submissives it is very pleasing.
It is a pleasure to answer your questions.
First, my wife is so content with out WLM. We are both retired and I have been her total slave for over 15 years. Since we both retired it got much better since we have more time together.
She will tell me that she is going into our pool and get ready. That means I prepare her pool lounger, ice water and perhaps a cold bottle of white wine on the pools edge and get the large golf umbrella. I also have to change into one of my three ladies swimsuits she likes to see me in. I guess I could say that is the only non vanilla aspect. I have 2 two piece bathing suits and 1 one piece. We purchased them a a local thrift store for a fraction of their original price. Her favorite is the newest, a black two piece with blue flowers. Very pretty. And it has a wood ring in the center that holds the two cups together. My wife says the two piece suits, especially that one create interesting tan lines. Since we live on a golf course we occasionally have a golfer come thru our shrubbery looking for an errant golf ball. He will see us and usually leave right away. So she wears a bathing suit when she is in the pool.
As she is on the pool lounger, she is relaxed and content, and never has to tell me what to do. She will float for an hour or two with me constantly holding the umbrella over her, shielding her from the sun In that respect, it is very vanilla since I do this all of the time and she never has to yell or threaten me if I fail to hold the umbrella correctly. She may take a quick nap since she feels so content. I am only doing what is expected of me. That is why I feel it is vanilla.
As for sexual satisfaction, there is so very little for me. I have been a member of your BAV club since September 2013. Prior to that date I was allowed to enter my wife’s pussy 3 or four times a year. She usually told me I was not allowed to cum and had to stop and pull out when I was almost there. Maybe once a year she would tell me I was allowed to pull out and cum into a plastic cup I had next to me. Then she felt that being in her pussy was too great a privilege for a slave/husband. So she said I would never be allowed inside her again, forever.
She gets orgasms about twice a week from me orally and I use one of her many vibrators. She says a wife should never be horny, only husbands.
I do have a CB 6000 chastity device that I wear mostly as a punishment. For maybe a month at a time for minor infractions. My wife says the chastity device is an artificial method of control. She says if she tells me I may not come without her permission, that’s it. I should not have to be caged . Just obey her. Nothing more. I must obey her. And I do.
She likes to edge me and will do that about once or twice a week. I wear panties 24/7 and she rubs me thru the panties until I am ready to explode and then stops. My wife only allows me to cum three times a year, about every four months. But that happens only if she has been totally pleased with me during those months. My housework has to be perfect, ironing and meal preparation and overall attitude perfect, otherwise I miss my chance. After she edged me a few weeks ago she said last month my attitude one day and housework twice was poor so no cumming in August. So I must wait another four months until hopefully December. If she allows me to cum then it will be eight months of wait time. .
When she says she will allow me to cum, she only gives me a minute or 90 seconds to cum while she rubs me thru my panties. She shows no interest as she lays propped up on the bed with me next to her and she is checking e mails or texts while her left hand rubs me. But she does check the seconds. One time I did not cum in time and had to wait another four months. But I am always so horny and frustrated I cum very quickly and make a mess in my panties.
If she edges me and I have a wet edge, that is some leaks out 5 to 10 seconds after she stops.I will be punished. She doesn’t like to whip or spank me because she sees how hard and excited I get. She likes punishments that she doesn’t have to do a thing. , On a day I am doing housework she will remind me that I am to be punished and make me clean the floors on my hands and knees with a very small sponge. She then tells me I missed a spot and makes me do it over again. Then after I am done she will say I missed another spot (which I didn’t but I am never allowed to talk back or argue) and I have do the floors again.a third time. We live in a big house with tile floors and it will takes 6 hours or more. For house work she has me wear a babydoll nightie. If I have to do windows inside and out I will be dressed. Again, she will find a streak and say do them all again, and again.
If I have had a wet edge or have a wet spot on my panties bigger than a half inch she will punish me for not holding it in and releasing some cum without permission. Even though she knows I cannot control leakage, she will punish me for it. I must strip, lay on the bed and she puts a disposable diaper on me. Then I must drink a large glass of water, she says so I don’t get dehydrated with a smile., but I know better. She leads me into her large walk in closet , ties my hands together with thin rope, puts it thru the eye hook fastened in the ceiling and pulls my hands up high. Then fastens the other end to a cleat on the side wall. This way she can come in and raise and lower me as she wants. My wife will keep me tied up for 3 to 4 hours and I may not speak during this time. She will say I am not allowed to wet the diaper until she gives me permission. She used to keep me naked and come in after about 3 hours with a coffee can and put my cock in it and allow me to pee. But she felt that was too degrading so she switched to the diaper. After about an hour or so, no clock so I guess the time, I start feeling the urge to pee. I have held it several times but several times I could not and wet my diaper. She checks me every hour and feels the diaper. If I am dry she will say “good boy”. If I am wet, she will say I have corner time for an hour a day for the next 15 days.
I will have to strip to my panties, go into the living room corner and she puts a pair of her worn panties between my nose and the wall and tells me to hold them there. She then ties my hands behind my back. If the panties drop the time starts all over again. Sometimes I am there for 2 or 3 hours , for many of the 15 days. She laughs when they drop telling me I must like corner time since I don’t want it to end.
I believe I have answered your questions, and by the length of this, in detail. We have a wonderful WLM and I am so very lucky to have a very dominating wife.
I will include this as well as some other past bits of detail you have provided, all in a blog post. It is divine.
One thing though. I think you are misusing the word’vanilla’ insofar as its meaning on blogs like mine. I believe in this context, vanilla means – activities absent of all domination and submission, sex and or relationship not involving domination or submission.
Sorry, I guess I did misuse the word vanilla. I somehow thought it meant just doing something without being told by your wife to do it. For example, she expects me to hold the umbrella over her so I do it without being told. Without her ordering me to do it or I will be spanked or whipped later on. I see your meaning of the word now and I will use it that way from now on. Thanks for the correction.
Dear Mistress Scarlet,
I have commented a couple of times on your fantastic blog and although I’m not experienced or offered any insight you have been gracious and kind to reply, so thank you.
I’m not sure if it is the correct etiquette, but I would like to comment on a fairly recent post regarding the disparity between the amount of submissive men to the lack of genuine female dominants.
Perhaps you might indulge me by reading an experience I had when I was in my early twenties before I express my own opinion on this matter. It may well be a very low resolution theory and not worthy of publishing on your blog so I totally understand if you do not publish it.
Hindsight and and accidental femdom:
From very early on in life I found that I was attracted to women that smoke, not every woman and certainly not every situation. It was the femme fatale imagery portrayed by women in films and for some reason I fixated on the cigarettes. I realise now that it was the image of the strong, confident woman that was my initial attraction.
I was the absolute typical alfa male, sports, body building, manual work with the attitude to match. I met and fell in love with Lucy, it was a conventional totally vanilla relationship. Lucy had a rather fiery personality with a fairly impressive temper at times!
It was before everyone had the Internet and therefore the social construct was quite limited and relationships generally conformed to what was considered normal. We all hate the word ‘normal’ and I appreciate that there were a lot of exceptions, but, in general times were very different back then with the lack of easily accessed information.
Lucy wore a suit to work, when she returned from work she would walk to the kitchen, light a cigarette and tell me about her day. I genuinely thought I was the only one that found that image extremely erotic so I never said anything, thinking I was somehow strange or weird for finding her smoking so sexy.
After five years as with most relationships sex can become fairly standard and boring and ours was no exception. I would give her an oral orgasm before penatration. Lucy would then have two or more orgasms before I concentrated on myself. I have never been able to cum until my partner is satisfied. I don’t know how or when it started but Lucy started pinching my right niple during sex. Quite softly initially but as time went on she pinched harder. I did not realise at the time but my yelps of pain and and my comments of “too hard too hard, that really hurts” would cause her to orgasm powerfully and quickly. I did not did not make the psychological link!
Lucy used her nails and on one occasion she said “my fingers are wet”, we turned on the light to discover my niple was bleeding. Lucy had what could only be described as a spontaneous, extremely powerful orgasm, bucking and screaming as she did so. At this point I was more concerned with the neighbours and my bleeding niple and therefore the session fizzled out.
From that point forward my niple was constantly sore, just wearing a T shirt would be uncomfortable. Lucy would sometimes give my niple a little rub over my shirt when we were out with friends and pass me a wicked smile, causing me to blush and feel embarrassed.
On an occasion when Lucy was completely sated and I had yet to cum I asked if perhaps she would like a cigarette while I ‘finish’. A simple question for some but for me it was huge, it had taken me six years to find the courage to ask. Lucy straddled me and lit her cigarette. I can not describe my feelings at that moment but it was short lived when Lucy lent forward and blew her smoke directly in my face.
After that occasion when Lucy had been completely satisfied while laying on her back she would reach for her cigarettes, while I was penetrating her in the lazy side position. Lucy would just lay there smoking only turning her head to blow smoke in my face, totally relaxed, not doing anything with her pelvic muscles. It felt dismissive and the fact that I didn’t particularly like smoke in my face made it that much more erotic. I was at the absolute height of sexual pleasure and Lucy was just laying still. I now understand the psychology but at the time I didn’t understand my feelings. Lucy eventually said she had to try very hard not to get horny again so I think she also had similar feelings and understood the psychology but neither of us knew how to explore those feelings further
It was the days of the Anne Summers parties and Lucy had asked if there was anything she should buy. I suggested a cane, feeling rather embarrassed. You have to remember that I was the A typical alpha male and Lucy’s response was that she would never let me hit her with a cane. She did however return with a cane, obviously cheap and poor quality but nevertheless it was a cane.
What ensued next would not have been misplaced in a comedy, both chasing each other all over the house laughing raucously. I knew Lucy too well and that her intention would have been to hit me as hard as she could and fall about laughing at my misfortune. Eventually she did just that after promising otherwise! Once recovered and any erotic thoughts of the cane dismissed from my mind, I showed Lucy the single red welt accross my bottom, shortly after which she became rather flushed and moved in for a sexy kiss. When I reached for her knickers I found them extremely wet and her arousal had actually run down her legs.
Neither of us had any idea of what I know now, there was no information, any porn was seedy German BDSM which had absolutely no relation to our experience and not something we would have been interested in. The femdom imagery was as you said leather clad dungeon scenarios which was not helpful in anyway. I so wish your journals were available back then. I had no idea how Lucy felt and I had no idea that I could keep my masculinity but be submissive sexually.
We didn’t have any discussions as we didn’t have the vocabulary or any knowledge. Society expected me to be the alfa male and Lucy had no idea of her potential. Although the Internet has changed things massively I still feel there is a stigma towards submissive males. A sexually submissive male is completely different from a weak man and I think, there lies the heart of the disparity in numbers of submissive men and dominant women. Lucy loved my masculinity and would not have wanted a weak Sissy man but we had no real way of communicating or understanding the psychology at such a young age. That is why I feel that the FLR community will remain relatively small and niche.
Lucy and I reluctantly parted after 9 years, I never wanted children but she had always wanted a family and the clock was ticking.
I appreciate my comments were rather long winded and I appreciate that you may take time to read it. I certainly do not expect a reply.
Kind regards
She was obviosuly a natural dominant and sadist. Wonderful.
I do not though understand the basis of your conclusion when you write, ‘……That is why I feel that the FLR community will remain relatively small and niche……’ Why???
Relatively small and niche: apologies for not being concise. I was talking from my limited experience and understanding. Society in general does not have an understanding of what an FLR relationship actually entails or the benefits gained and is seen as something unconventional. One is required to seek knowledge to understand and I do not believe people in general take the time. I did not understand my feelings all those years ago and it was only with my more recent long term relationship that I began to explore and gain a little more insight. Initially my partner enjoyed being dominated, it was only later in the relationship that we discovered that she prefered things the other way round. All our friends were in a coventional relationship and it wasn’t something that was or could have been discussed. Gay, straight, bi and all manner of sexual preferences are thankfully openly talked about. Even The awful 50-shades of grey series had some positive impact on BDSM making it more acceptable, for perhaps, some women that were otherwise vanilla? Openly discussing FLR, however seems more difficult because of the preconceptions and lack of understanding?
FLR or DS is not a subject that comes up at the beginning of a relationship, finding someone compatible is hard enough, let alone someone that is on the same wavelength sexually. I would imagine in general its the male that seeks this type of relationship? Persuading his wife or partner to try new things? Even if women do try domination, there is no guarantee they will like it. I doubt many relationships or marriages start with the woman thinking she wants to dominate her husband. Perhaps it’s a bit like the proverbial needle in a haystack!
The Internet is awash with femdom porn and like you said in your blog entry it is not reality and certainly isn’t helpful for men or women seeking a genuine relationship.
A bit more of a reply than intended, but hopefully that explains why I personally think FLR will remain small and niche.
Kind regards
Matt
I understand your explanation but I have a problem with a couple of aspects. Firstly you use the word, ‘remain’ suggesting things will always be exactly as they have always been and there is no progress. But there clearly is progress, and lots of evidence of that progress. Women commenting on my blog that, thanks to what they read on my blog, they are now in charge of their FLR and loving it. My blog is not the only such blog, but such blogs did not really exist a dozen years ago. Now they do.
All the findoms and pro dommes on social media platforms that do not dress in the leather or frequent dungeons. Commercial femdom I know, but by women who dress in everyday clothes and are not in dungeons or using lots of equipment, making domestic FLR much more understandable to vanilla women.
More and more FLR in mainstream films and TV programmes and articles in newspapers and magazines. Far more than ever before. The second issue is that I am guessing you come from the USA, and you are forgetting the USA culture is not representative of global culture. In Scandinavia and Germany, DS is an accepted option as part of a healthy marital sex life. It is discussed at dinner parties.
So while the speed of widespread acceptance may be debatable, FLR is not remaining static, its acceptance is definitely growing.