I am interested in comments from true submissives on the following: (I define true submissives as those who recognised their submissiveness before they reached puberty; before the age of say 11, and who have desired domination ever since.)
Recent experiences and some reading lead me to be convinced that the submissive’s PERCEPTION of the dominant’s cruelty is key to maximising effect. I highlight perception because it is more important than the cruelty itself. I stress cruelty is TAKING PLEASURE in inflicting discomfort. To give a real example:
On any full-on domination day, bitch-boy will find himself in total sensory deprivation bondage (TSDB) for between one hour and six hours. (Up to six hours if I have a female submissive here for using and abusing).
I could simply put him into the bondage and then eventually release him without talking about what I get out of it. The TSDB would effect his submissive soul a fair amount and he would probably make assumptions about what I get from it. But the effect can be increased 100 fold if I advise him that I adore getting on with whatever I want while he is in TSDB. That it turns me on. That I love thinking about my power and decadence and his misery during the TSDB. That I love causing him to be so miserable. Having spoken these words, he is now CRYSTAL CLEAR that I am being cruel to him during all future sessions of TSDB. (I am being a sadist.)
Even if administering a punishment, (see previous post), I now make sure I am clear on my pleasure. I am likely to use words with the effect of the following, during my leisurely, extensive punishment session:
‘Poor bitch-boy. I do enjoy causing you pain like this. I will never get bored of doing so. IT TURNS ME ON and I get a lovely power rush. Obviously even if I did not enjoy it, you would still be enduring punishment, because you committed an infraction and all infractions must be punished. But I do enjoy it, so it’s a lovely win-win. Deserved punishment for you, to deter infractions; and pleasure for me while punishing you. While hurting you. And this is your life now and forever. There is no escape. You are my puppet and I will never let you go or become less cruel.’
As I set out in my published manual, my theory is that true submissives need to feel helplessly under the power of another to sleep well and feel contented. So while a bossy, overbearing person who is a control freak may produce some submissive satisfaction, they will not produce the contentment that a bossy and CRUEL person will. Why? My theory is that being subject to simple bossy control does not infer as much helplessness as being subjected to wanton, unnecessary physical or mental discomfort; because wanton unnecessary physical or mental discomfort infers, or even requires, even more power; even more helplessness. (Not an easy phenomenon to describe!)
I therefore suggest, if you are a dominant, you make absolutely clear the pleasure you get from each and every slice of adversity to which you subject your submissive. You can’t be shy about being cruel, about being a sadist. You must be bold about this. Make sure some adversity is simply for your pleasure and nothing more. Your submissive will be further in awe of you if you do. Your submissive will feel even more helplessly under your power.
Do true submissives agree with me?
Mistress Scarlet's Blog 
Fascinating. I gain satisfaction and true fulfillment if I feel my suffering has added to the Dominants power rush. If it reveals her true sadistic nature and is a mirror to that part of her that is Nirvana.
Giving one’s self over to another is scary and difficult. Knowing what ever pain or humiliation over and above what would ever be possible is only possible if the knowledge it results in orgasm or a power rush in the Dominant is important.
Thank you. That is one vote in support of my theory.
I disagree in part with your thesis, not because I’m suggesting you’re wrong but just because there are so many variations in our kinks. And ours is different.
I have known I was submissive since I was very young and am now in the 3rd year of a full-time relationship with my Mistress. We are both in our late-20s. She is unquestionably a sadist but I am not at all masochistic. I want and need to be controlled and made to submit and understand that when I fail to do so to her satisfaction I will be punished – in fact, I want to be punished when I fail her – but I hate being punished. I hate pain. I get no thrill or high from pain. I absolutely want to avoid it.
For me, the “reward” is in knowing that she decides everything, particularly whether I’ve behaved as she requires. And she decides the consequences for me if I haven’t. I get off on the fact that she has control and I have none and must just obey as well as I can and accept whatever she decides to require and/or impose.
I enjoy your blog but personally I don’t enjoy the extensive talk that characterizes your dominance of your sub. There is no question about my Mistress’ sadism and no question that she absolutely loves and thrives on being totally in charge and controlling me and hurting me.
So, for me – and again, there are so many variations in our kinks – her exercise of her power and control without discussion, without explanation and certainly without apology tells me everything I need to know about her dominance and my position in our relationship.
On the topic of punishment, she routinely punishes me for failing to be acceptably submissive or obedient and those punishments are sometimes incredibly harsh. I truly hate them, get no pleasure from the and want to avoid them if at all possible. So I try incredibly hard to make my submission to her complete.
But maybe the ultimate expression of her power and my submission is that though she punishes me for failures, she sometimes punishes me totally arbitrarily. No reason except that she can and chooses to at the moment. So though I work as hard as I can to submit, both because I deeply want to and get immense satisfaction from it and also because I want to avoid the punishment I fear and hate, she makes clear thru arbitrary punishment – knowing I hate it and fear it – that even if my submission is perfect (impossible, of course) she is in charge and expresses that to me in a way I fear and hate and in a way I, no matter how hard I try or how good I am, cannot avoid or prevent.
In a sense that expresses our relationship – maximizes the effect on me. She exercises her power arbitratily and I accept it totally. And we let actions speak. No discussion needed.
She does sometimes bring in others and in those situations she does tend to provide a narrative of sorts for her guests. But that is for their benefit, not to signal anything to me.
People, including subs, are different! :)
I can’t really spot where your kink is different. Like you, my bitch-boy is not a masochist and hates pain. Like your Mistress, I am a sadist. I think there is no need for any verbal reinforcement of your wife’s sadism from your Mistress because she makes it so apparent and you are FULLY aware of her sadistic nature. You are very lucky. She is quite rare. The verbalising advice part of my post was written because many Domme women are embarrassed or ashamed to be sadistic and so try to hide that. I suggest, and so far, every comment response concurs – that is bad for her and bad for the submissive too.
I am very confused by your comment that you enjoy my blog but personally don’t enjoy the extensive talk that characterizes my dominance of your sub. Without that, what is left???
I was my husband’s submissive for 3 years and our relationship had a serious lack of cruelty that I very much desired. I learned quite a bit from this.
For example, when he would punish me (which was not often), I knew he was just doing it for me. It was something he ‘had’ to do, not something he ‘wanted’ to do. (He also said some things that made me feel really messed up for wanting punishment.) In my mind this goes against what a submissive should be. A sub should bring pleasure and joy to their Dom/me, not create more nagging, pain-in-the-ass work. I did NOT want him to do stuff that he did not want to do, yet I craved feelings that were achieved by those same actions (he could have gotten around this but he wasn’t creative enough)…It was quite painful and would create a negative spiral.
I believe, below the surface, cruelty (the way you define it) allows a sub to be who they ‘need’ to be…which is a helpless being that is used for pleasure. :)
As a new Domme (with like 10 minutes of experience) I think I will greatly benefit from this knowledge. I know, with the right kind of submissive, I can revel in my evil — and I fully intend to do as much!
More power to you! In the not too distant future you are going to make some submissive very, very content (and sore). And you will be content too.
Are you in the UK?
Content and sore, I like the sound of that.
No, I live in the USA.
The holy grail for me is my Wife’s cute little giggle that starts when I am at my limit of endurance and she knows that I am really suffering for her; I hate that I desire this so much knowing how unpleasant the journey will be. I am also told what my Wife liked about a particular treatment she has subjected me to; she will also discuss with me what she would like to try and why, and I am required to make suggestions that will enhance her pleasure (often to my detriment). This interchange is crucial for my own level of contentment, and the deep connection I feel. I cannot honestly see a way in which I could ever have a happy and contented vanilla relationship now.
This is so interesting. You are spot on about how the submissive feels. I think that cruelty endowes suffering with personal meaning. When the sadist is cruel towards the submissive, then cruelty becomes a gesture from the sadist to the submissive. On the contrary, control flowing from rules (you must do this because X) is not satisfying, otherwise a submissive would be happy even with control freaks.
It is a felicitous distinction on your part. If we follow your thought to its logical conclusion, submissives are found to be attracted to bad intentions, not necessarily control. I do not feel content when I am controlled in order to do good things, like work out. The pleasure I get from this is the pleasure everybody gets from doing what “they have to”. The pleasure of receiving a sadist’s bad intentions is something else entirely.
Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
do subs want their dominant to get pleasure from their pain and administer it with cruelty?
Your theory closely describes my experience as a submissive. I read a lot online of people who suggest simply ‘acting submissive’ around your partner and trying to be content with a one-way power dynamic, but I can find no submissive satisfaction in this at all, it’s pushing against an open door and in the end, feels like submitting to yourself, which totally misses the point.
Yes I can completely see that.
I am 60, have been submissive long before puberty. I wanted women teachers to kidnap me and make me do whatever they wanted before I even knew what sex was. It has been my dream to find a mentally cruel Domme. One that could convince me she would own me and never let me go. One that could see in my heart that fear and humiliation were key to running me. If physical pain was what she needed I want her to do it knowing that she is free to do so because I need her and can’t leave. The worse thing You could do to me is to dominate me because You loved me and that’s what i wanted. It has to be because You want it, You revel in it. So yes i agree with Your theory.
Thank you for providing further support for my theory.
Hello Miss, (curtsies), to give a little background, I realized that I’m submissive before I even knew what it meant. At the age of 4, i clung on to my mother’s leather boots, as she dragged me around the floor in a game, whilst my nostrils drank in the smell of the leather. I knew, then and there, that I belonged at the feet of women. I agree that knowing you are enjoying punishing, truly helps. To be tied up or punished without a word being uttered, degrades the whole scenario into an emotionless thing, similar to being held captive by a terrorist, where the only thing you are in fear of, is will you stay alive.
You are so incisive. My own desires to serve her happiness arose aroud 7, when playing indoors on a stormy day with my sisters friends. They played a game called, ‘pile on’ in which the four of them wrestled with me, winning when they got me down and “piled on” so I could not move. The smell of their body’s and the giddy joy of their triumph over a boy, hooked me for life of service to strong dominant woman, my wife, with her hold on me, tightened after every USE for her satisfaction & her praising my giving her her needs while always suspending mine, until she deems me worthy.
Please don’t think me presumptuous to suggest that like bitch-boy and many commenters to this blog, you were already submissive to females by the age of 7, and the event of the ‘pile-on’ gave you your first experience of the profound sense of contentment actually being dominated gave you.
Your wife sounds delightful. Can you give examples of her current regime?
Totally agree, the sweetness of pleasing a Dom however they wish without any guilt involved…
Guilt involved on their part?
Any examples of the most cruel?
Yes, when the Dom feels guilty to do something because its too cruel.
I think of cruel as doing whatever you desire without damaging your ‘toy’.