Something that has greatly amused me, particularly over the past couple of years has been receiving accounts of lifestyle regimes from other Dommes and at some point during my first read of their account, I think, ‘Wow, this is an extreme regime! Certainly compared to mine’. I keep reading and then come across words to the effect of, ‘Of, course my regime is nowhere near as extreme as yours, Scarlet!‘
Over the last couple of months this has happened a lot. It got me thinking, why do so many of us Dommes want to think, or happen to think, our regime is less extreme than others’? Guilt, embarrassment over levels of depravity and or selfishness? What could it be? Or is it simply natural perception. I will say here that not all Dommes display this trait. There are a few wonderful Dommes with extreme regimes that know they are extreme regimes and are very comfortable with that. Admirable and delicious indeed!
I have, I believe, concluded why ‘extreme’ gets measured in such an inconsistent way. For my own amusement I have concocted a scale. But it is not a simple totting up scale. It is a list of themes and, if on any theme, a Domme is far more extreme than me, then, I think subconsciously, I consider her more extreme than me overall, even if on another theme I am much more extreme than her. I think us Dommes get habitualised on themes in which we are extreme. So we think our extreme things are average.
My list of themes are: (with my scores from 10, where 10 is the most extreme possible)
- Percentage of time in vanilla mode as a couple. (5)
- Percentage of chores carried out by the sub. (8)
- Levels of pain during regular punishments and tortures. (7)
- Levels of humiliation. (10)
- Frequency of orgasms / denial of penetration for the sub. (5/10)
- Time spent in tedium for the sub. (7)
- Levels of cuckolding experience / forced bisexuality. (6/0)
Here is how I am affected by the ‘everyone is more extreme than me’ trait.
I spend quite a bit of vanilla time with bitch-boy. If I read of a regime where there is no vanilla time, I immediately think, wow this regime is more extreme than mine! Regardless of the levels for the other themes.
bitch-boy carries out most chores but not always all. If I have him on a big chore and I would like some little ones done on the same day, I may well do them myself because I want chore time over so I can get into some serious BDSM! If I read a regime is 100% chores by the sub, I immediately think, wow this regime is more extreme than mine!
I always have bitch-boy taking more pain than he thinks he can cope with during punishment or torture. He begs with all his heart for it to stop but I keep going until I am satisfied. But he is not in shrieking agony. I read of a Domme whose regime includes, say, a very thick coating of Linnex to the entirety of freshly shaved cock and balls, so the sub is in shrieking agony for around 40 minutes, I immediately think, wow this regime is more extreme than mine!
I accept, or am proud that, the levels of humiliation to which I subject bitch-boy are extreme! Parody of a little girl outfit, playing with and talking to dollies, in front of an audience of mocking women he has never met before; if I can get that. But I am habitualised to that. I have done it for years, I don’t think it is that extreme. (bitch-boy is not habitualised to that at all!) But of course to a Domme who scores low on the humiliation theme, they think my whole regime is more extreme than theirs; even if they regularly invoke shrieking agony and I never do.
bitch-boy has a frequency of orgasms that ranges, during a normal say, six months, of roughly between ten days apart and three weeks apart. But he never, ever gets penetration. In fact, in addition, his releases are always under the sole of my shoe, or being very painfully wanked within the spikey bristles of a looped brush. Some Dommes who generate agony for the sub during tortures and never have vanilla time with their sub, (so I think EXTREME!), think I am extreme because their sub gets to penetrate them once a month while bitch-boy never, ever gets penetration. (Some Dommes never allow an orgasm at all of course!)
I accept I am pretty extreme when it comes to periods of tedium for bitch-boy. Hours colouring -in with dolly. Perhaps six hour daytime sessions in sensory deprivation bondage if I happen to have a female sub over I want to dominate uninterrupted for a long period. But then I read of a Domme who has her sub write school time lines for seven hours in a day and I think wow! Her regime is much more extreme than mine. I guess I am habitualised to the tedium I put bitch-by through and shocked by regimes of tedium by other Dommes I have not subjected bitch-boy to.
I do cuckold bitch-boy with female lovers, whenever I have a female lover. And I really rub his nose in my intimate sex I have with her, while he gets no intimate sex at all, EVER! But I do not have male lovers, because I don’t want that and so bitch-boy has never seen me penetrated by another male and certainly never been forced to suck another male as an act of fluffing. I read of a sub having to do that, I think, wow! That regime is so extreme compared to mine!
Then there is the complicating issue of applying more than one theme at once. So extreme chastity with cuckolding. Or extreme humiliation with tedium.
I hope I have not made this too complicated. I think I now understand the issue of Domme A thinking their regime is less extreme than Domme B, while Domme B thinks exactly the opposite.
I think being ‘extreme’ on any of the 7 themes I have selected, probably means a regime can be labelled extreme overall. Ironically, while many of us Dommes seem to seek out why our regime is less extreme than the next Domme’s regime, it is a fact that at least 75% of submssives crave, at least in their fantasies, to be subjected to the most extreme regime possible. I think if, in one of the themes, we are ‘extreme’ we should be proud of that. That makes us attractive to subs and has our own sub in awe of us.
But my hat comes off to the Dommes that do not quibble. Those Dommes that proudly acknowledge their regime is extreme!
I do apologise if this post has been rather long and boring. The content was just a bit of a revelation to me.
For info on my own BDSM manual, in several formats, click on an image below.
15 thoughts on “How extreme is that Domme?”
However you define it the “e” word should be reserved exclusively for ladies!
There is a thing in statistics called a Likert Scale which allows you to calculate an overall score from several different variables. If you ever wanted to do a serious comparison study, thats the way to go but really, it is a bit geeky and quite frankly, I think you have got a pretty good handle on the situation already!
Interesting, but as I wrote I realised that the whole issue of perceived ‘extremeness’ often comes down to whether another Mistress is much more extreme than me, on just a single theme, and that tips the whole balance. I think I have come to the conclusion the overall score is irrelevant and the subconscious makes its decision on a single theme.
Very interesting post, I think. Many years ago I came upon your blog Ms. Scarlet, but did not like it because I didn’t understand your dynamics with bitch boy, so I moved on. I started reading another blog by a woman who “humiliated” her husband by making him wear a pink ribbon in his hair and go out in public. I thought that was extreme. But I thought she was forcing people to engage in their kink who may not want to be (the public). Anyhow, I came back to your blog last year and starting reading it all and your journals and fully understood your dynamics. I understood that you dressed bitch boy up as a parody of a little girl to humiliate him not because he liked it (far from it). Now I look at the pink ribbon in the hair as “quaint”
When I read about you and bitch boy about to enter a room with other woman are in and he is “trembling”, I tremble too if I picture myself in his place. I don’t think it will ever become “habitualized” for him.
I think you are right.
Dear Miss Scarlet.
My boy is never allowed penetrative sex. His orgasms are about monthly, observed by his own hand. Once in a while he can rub my foot. He serves as a sissy maid for guests he is in full time chastity several people know. I do cuckold him once in a while. He is partied, wears a bra and women’s shoes all the time.
I think “extreme” also depends on the sub. A macho athletic guy might be able to endure high levels of pain and may even feel proud that he can take it and get off on the endorphin rush…but he would rather die than be displayed to a roomful of laughing women while dressed in a schoolgirl’s uniform. A more femme sub would be thrilled to flounce around in front of an audience but might shrink at the sight of a riding crop.
Yes there is an element of how the sub is affected by each theme.
Rather than reply immediately when I saw this post, I’ve spent a little time reflecting on my own ‘scores’ at this stage of my relatively fledgling dominance.
Percentage of our time spent in vanilla mode as a couple: 4, increasing
Percentage of chores carried out by my husband: 6, increasing
Intensity of pain during his regular punishments: 5, may increase
Levels of humiliation: 8 when in role-play mode
Frequency of orgasms / denial of penetration: 5, increasing
Time spent in tedium for the sub: 6, increasing
Levels of cuckolding experience / forced bisexuality: 0, unlikely to change
Thus I score myself at only 34 out of 70 compared with Mistress Scarlet’s 48. Therefore my impression is I still have some way to go to attain her level. Of course, I may be kidding myself ! So here are my further thoughts.
I have asked myself where my current scores might potentially end up in, say, another year or two’s time. Consensually, of course. Although it might not be DC (‘dominantly correct’) to say it, in my own case I do all this only as long and as intensely as my husband pipsqueak remains okay with it (he shows no sign of wanting to stop, however). One day we may simply be too old :-(
I could see the percentage of our time spent in vanilla mode changing up to a 6 (from 4) – ie. us having less vanilla time – but, like Scarlet, I value the ‘normal’ time we spend together too much to move to anything like 24/7. This means that his time spent in tedium could rise similarly to, say, 8, (from 6), because non-vanilla time and tedium are likely to move pretty much in parallel for us.
His percentage of chores will rise similarly from 6 to probably 8. The number of household, garden and administrative duties delegated by me to him compared with 12 months ago has risen steadily. Nevertheless, there are things I simply do better than him (cooking, shopping, a bit of ironing) that I don’t mind or even quite enjoy doing. He now does most other chores (all the nasty ones) both in and out of role play, in both our non-vanilla and vanilla life. I can see him doing more and more, but not everything.
The levels of humiliation have already risen a lot from when we started, from 1-2 then to 8 today, as I’ve got more comfortable with it. However, 8 is during role play. I don’t really use humiliation much at other times. I am not personally into feminization, babyhood, diapers, dresses, anything like that. We dress up. Both of us are into that for role play purposes. But not ridicule. I’m not against it. It’s just not for me, or us. It also depends what counts as humiliation. Is him tonguing my bottom in the middle of an otherwise normal day a ‘humiliation’? I think some things like that are in the eye of the beholder.
The frequency he has orgasms is an area where I feel I’ve been overly generous, or perhaps cautious, is a better word. It’s complicated; I felt I had to train the poor man up slowly from the daily+ orgasms he’s given himself over 50 or so years. On the other hand it was him who asked me for key holding and chastity above all else, when we began. My own journey has taken me from seeing denial as cruel to something else, not exactly ‘kind’ but almost maternal. Above all, perhaps, I discovered the behavioral benefits of denying him and the corresponding buzz it’s given to my own libido. And there are more nuances I haven’t even mentioned here.
But what I’ve discovered as last year’s gone by is that I adore imposing chastity. Not only key holding, which in itself is a power-trip, but denying him. It’s here, in particular, I’d love to push on. I could see us reaching 9, even 10 (versus 5 now), providing he can cope with it. Put another way, I’d only stop at 7-8 if he genuinely CAN’T cope without having say a weekly release. Why do I want to do this? Put him on a once a month regime? I genuinely have no idea, beyond the sadistic streak I’ve discovered within myself. And because he asked me for it. And I’d at least like to explore extreme chastity, even if we turn back having delved into it.
On the other hand, Mistress Scarlet has aligned frequency of orgasms with denial of penetration which, in her case, is obviously appropriate. In my own marriage, denying my husband penetration denies me as well. Again, it may not be DC to admit it, but I have to admit to rather liking and wanting occasional sexual intercourse with my husband. Especially as I’ve taught him to be a much better lover over the past year. It’s partly the sex, partly the bonding together, and partly a reaffirmation that, despite our new lifestyle, we are still, underneath it all, wife and husband and parents. So I could never see myself reaching 9-10 on denying him penetration. I’m drawn to the idea of imposing a regime where he ONLY has orgasms from penetrative lovemaking with me once or twice a month. Like, masturbation is for naughty teenagers, not for a man his age. However, I actually really enjoy watching him masturbate himself on my command, wrong-handed, edging himself endlessly and finally ruining his own orgasm (or I ruin it for him). Decisions, decisions. But one way or another, I’ve been too ‘soft’ on him so far.
There is no cuckolding or forced bi in my dominance of pipsqueak. If I’m 100 pc honest, had we begun this say 20 years ago, I’d have definitely been drawn to the idea of cuckolding. Whether I’d have actually taken the plunge, I don’t know, and it would obviously have depended on opportunities, etc. But, risks aside, I’d have loved to indulge in some of the wicked things I’ve read about over the past few months. I’d almost no experience before I married and the lure of backfilling that gap in my ‘sexual CV’ is undeniably enticing. However, no forced bi. Like feminization, I’m simply not attracted to it. Whether or not my husband would be, I don’t know. I doubt it. But we’ve never discussed it. My own image of my husband couldn’t permit something like that. That’s just my personal preference. I wouldn’t judge other ladies who are into that.
I’ve left intensity of pain during punishments until last. In my mind, it’s complex. There are two sorts of pain. The first is impact-pain. A caning for example. The second is what I think of as more subtle-pain. A slow burner. Nettles on his penis for example. I see myself as a ‘5’ at present, based solely on my own impression of where I stand along the extremity curve. I’m certainly not a 10. But I can’t pretend to be a 1 either. I enjoy exploring pain. I’m more sadistic than I’d ever have thought. I can admit that. But I honestly don’t get a lot from corporal punishment. For me the best bit about caning or spanking my husband is the humiliation aspect. Making him take his trousers down, bend over, submit to my blows until his bottom’s nice and red, the thwacking sounds. All that part I enjoy. But actually hurting him, bruising his buttocks, splitting skin, making him yell. That I have VERY little appetite for.
My tastes lean toward subtle-pain. Here I have much to learn and have only just started researching and testing. I’ve enjoyed Mistress Scarlet’s blog descriptions of some of the more ‘subtle punishments’ she puts bb through. I have tried a few but have barely reached the tip of the iceberg. My husband doesn’t enjoy the pain of nettles on his genitals. He’s not at all a masochist in that sense. Far from it. But he got off on being made to control his reaction to the pain itself, the stinging, itching, burning, whatever. We’d look into each other’s eyes last summer as I tickled his balls with a long nettle while he stood to attention, hands behind his back, silent, motionless. In that area, 5 now could increase to 7-8
An interesting exercise. Wonderful original post.
Thank you for our interesting input.
Thank you for this post. Perceived extremeness is an interesting topic. I’d like to add that I think the pereception also depends on your experience. Ironically, I think the more experienced you are as a dom or sub, the less extreme you perceive yourself. For me, there are things that we did early on that I would consider extreme, such as me wearing panties, that now after many years, I would consider not so extreme. Overtime some of the things just become a natural part of your life and so you forget that an outsider would consider them extreme. -Joe
I’m going to sound like a pedant but you know how important all this analysis is to me. LOL. I think your point is relevant and pertinent to this issue but I believe you are conflating eroding extremeness with habituation. As I was specifically talking about measuring AND COMPARING the extremeness of Dommes, the perception of the sub has to be excluded. (This is very difficult to put into words.)
I think a male forced to wear panties for the first time feels that VERY INTENSELY but, thanks to the internet, would still know that is not at all extreme as he could have been forced into a head to toe parody of a little girl’s outfit. But his feeling/experience is intense. However once he has been put into panties 30 times, he becomes habituated to that and it does not feel very intense for him at all. It has not become less extreme because it never was, but he has become habituated to it.
So I think a measure of extreme excludes personal experience while habituation is all about personal experience. For example on the extremeness scale for petticoating, being put into panties is the least extreme while being forced into a head to toe parody of a little girl’s outfit is the most extreme. That is the petticoating scale of extremeness and we can all agree that. As a Domme I know I am being most extreme when it comes to petticoating and another Domme that only uses panties is not extreme, when it comes to petticoating. As a separate issue, her sub, if it is for the first time, may feel just as humiliated as my sub. It would be the same for caning. 6 light strokes not extreme, 200 heavy strokes very extreme.
My post was about how we Dommes tend to mismeasure each others’ extremeness. Thank you for the comment though, a linked point.
I understand what you are saying. Thank you for taking the time to reply and explain the difference.